[Two Pronged] He wants her back after he accused her of cheating

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I have been a bad boyfriend to my girlfriend. My girlfriend is nice and loving, she is truly a perfect woman a man could ever dream of. We have been in a relationship for 5 months. The first 3 months were okay and we both did our part as a couple to make our relationship work well. We were like real married couple that time, that people close to us often said that our relationship would go stronger. 

We were deeply in love with each other that we both felt that we cannot be separated. The trial came when out of overthinking and baseless jealousy, I broke [up] with her and it was worsened by the painful words that I threw at her. 

She was hurt deeply, I know because I heard her cry on the phone and I was informed by a friend that she drowned herself in drinking. After 3 days, I realized my mistake and I tried to win her heart back, but she said that she was afraid to love me again and was not sure if she could love me again. She told me to distance myself from her.

I love her so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want her to be in my life again, but I don’t know how I could bring back her trust in me, I don’t know how I could make her love me again. Please give me some piece of advice or tips on this matter. 

Manny

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From Two Pronged to Manny:

Perhaps you could tell us more about “out of overthinking and baseless jealousy, I broke [up] with her…”

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From Manny to Two Pronged:

I had this strange feeling that maybe she was cheating on me. An hour without a text message from her drove me to conclude that she is having an affair with someone.

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Dear Manny,

Thank you for your email and the clarification.

By your own admission, you accused your girlfriend of infidelity based not on any evidence but only “a strange feeling” and her failure to text you hourly. Absent any past history to justify your concern, your conclusion does not seem logical, except obviously to you. Indeed, you show no desire to hone your analytical abilities and your only interest now is to ingratiate yourself once more with your girlfriend (let’s call her Clara) and not to examine how and/or why you alienated her in the first place. 

Generally speaking, couples do not operate on the basis that unless they text each other hourly, it means that one or both are having sex with a third party (though were it common practice it would of course be much appreciated by telecom companies). This is for several reasons, among the most obvious of which are: texting does not preclude sex; hourly texting implies a degree of control that few people want either to exercise or to submit to.

So, rather than asking for tips in order to ensnare Clara once more in a relationship in which you monitor her every move 24/7 and expose her to your reactions to “strange feelings” whenever these may visit you, how about instead embarking on a bout of self-analysis and introspection? You could start by examining why it is that you want to exercise this extreme degree of control over a person whom you supposedly consider the “perfect woman.” Then you could ask yourself what part “strange feelings” play in your life, what form they take and the extent to which you should allow yourself to be guided by them.

If you find that this degree of self-examination is beyond you, consider consulting a mental health professional. This will help you come to terms with any divergence between what you consider normal behavior and what the rest of the world thinks. It will also hopefully equip you for a rather more acceptable approach to the next perfect woman that you meet. 

All the best,

JAF Baer 

 

Dear Manny:

Thank you very much for your letter, which I hope will be the start of a few other letters dealing with how to first recognize and also deal with abuse. Recognizing one is or was abused can be difficult, because most of us never think it could happen to us – especially with partners who, at first, treated us like princesses.  

So far, Manny, it seems Clara has found the perfect way to deal with what you’ve done:  be truthful, by saying she is not sure if she could love you again and telling you to distance yourself from her. 

I hope she sticks to her guns and refuses to get back together with you until you have changed, because my own clinical experience proves you can change, but not until you realize the gravity of what you’ve done. 

If Clara forgives you too easily and gets back with you too quickly, you will not fully realize that yes, you abused her and no, it is not a good idea for her to go back to you at this point in time, no matter how sorry you are and how sincerely you promise you will never do it again. 

Very few abusers can admit that they are, in truth, actual abusers—especially if it is the first time it’s happened. 

Among other reasons, it is painful to realize it isn’t just you, but something your childhood and thus your upbringing may have contributed to. As Dr Murray unequivocally states  

“Abusive behavior begins in childhood. Almost without exception, abusers—including teen abusers—fit a typical profile:

• They have been physically and/or psychologically abused as children.
• They have seen their father beat and/or severely dominate their mother or sisters.
• One or both of their parents abused, or continue to abuse, alcohol, or use drugs.”

“These facts are important to understand because if a boy (I will use the stereotypical gender of male although women can also be highly abusive to men) sees his father dominate and intimidate his mother, he understands that this is the way men behave toward women. If he sees his father hit his mother, he understands that physical domination is the man’s right in his relationships. If he sees that his mother tolerates this behavior – that is, she doesn’t leave or at least stand up for herself  – his perception is that women feel this is acceptable behavior.” 

Perhaps, the best start is to read two books by Patricia Evans:

• The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond. NY: Adams Media Corporation, 2010
• Teen Torment: Overcoming Verbal Abuse at Home and at School NY: Adams Media Corporation, 2003

Despite your firm resolve to stop abusing and to try and do it yourself, therapy may be necessary to strengthen your resolve. As Mr Baer says: “ If you find that this degree of self-examination is beyond you, consider consulting a mental health professional. This will help you come to terms with any divergence between what you consider normal behavior and what the rest of the world thinks. It will also hopefully equip you for a rather more acceptable approach to the next perfect woman that you meet.”  

Our hearts go out to you, congratulate you for realizing you need help right way, and wish you every luck in the world in winning the girl you deserve once you get your act together. 

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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