[Two Pronged] Resign or suffer?

Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes

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'I wanted to leave and resign to avoid her because I cannot contain my feelings anymore and I wanted to keep my family intact,' writes Mon

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I first saw her in a training conducted by the company she was with. She was one of the facilitators. I felt attracted to her because she was pretty but I know that’s the only thing I can do that day, just to admire. Until one day, unexpectedly, I saw her in our company as a new hire and she joined our team. I befriended her with the intention to make her feel welcome in the company and in the group. Our friendship started that day.

Almost every morning she would always bring me food because we arrived in the office very early and we became close. I feel so happy when I am with her because she is so fun to be with and we can talk about any topic and have a blast. She is very good in teasing too.

I didn’t realize that I was falling for her. I am falling because of her total personality. I tried to suppress my feelings for her for many reasons.

1. I have been married for more than a decade already.

2. She was engaged to be married when we met. She now recently got married.

3. It’s unethical and unprofessional.

I am pretty sure I am in love of her, and I am not talking about lust here, because I just want to be with her. Every time we talk, chat and joke around it gives me so much happiness.

I am really torn right now. I wanted to leave and resign to avoid her because I cannot contain my feelings anymore and I wanted to keep my family intact.

Because of the way I feel for her, I am willing to do stupid things for her. I might be wrong but as a boy I can discern and interpret signs that somehow, she likes me too.

I need your help to give me sound advice on what to do. Should I leave and forever keep my feelings for her and wish that this feeling would fade away? Or stay and continue to love her in secret and continue to hurt myself?

Sincerely,

Mon

———————–

Dear Mon,

Thank you for your email.

You are, I am sure, aware that you are not the first married person to notice and appreciate the positive attributes, physical and otherwise, of someone other than your own spouse. However, this may be of scant comfort to you, particularly as we all tend to think that our own situation is unique.

Let’s take a closer look at your problem. According to your own account, you were already married when you met this woman (let’s call her Mia), were instantly attracted to her and then actively encouraged her friendship once she joined your company, despite the fact that she had a fiancé. This suggests that all this talk of just wanting to make her feel welcome in the company and trying to suppress your feelings for her is merely a ruse to muddy the waters and a last ditch effort to burnish what is a very tarnished image. Indeed, far from trying to resist her charms, you were actually 100% open to exploring the extent to which the relationship could develop – and, lo and behold, you fell in love, or at least lust, with her.

So perhaps a good start would be to acknowledge that the pickle in which you find yourself is entirely of your own making. You actively set up a situation in which you, a married man, could luxuriate in a relationship with an engaged woman. Sure, it may not have technically overstepped the boundaries in that there has not been any actual physical adultery but there seems no question that you are guilty of gross emotional infidelity.

What Mia thinks about all this is something that you have somehow forgotten to mention. Does she think of you as just a friend, is she enjoying the daily attentions of a forever to be frustrated suitor, or is she perhaps simply oblivious? And what are we to make of your throwaway line that you can discern signs that despite getting married to her fiancé she somehow likes you too?

Whatever her reaction, it seems ironic is that after investing so much time and energy in Mia, to the extent that you have apparently ‘fallen in love’, you have now re-discovered that you want to keep your family intact. Maybe I am old-fashioned but devotion to your wife and children seems just a trifle incompatible with your long-term pursuit of Mia – unless you next decide everybody should live together, which you have not yet mentioned, perhaps realizing everyone else would balk at such a suggestion.

Anyway, your rediscovery of the virtues of fidelity and traditional family values appears to be totally fake, given that one of your two suggested solutions to your problem is “stay and continue to love her in secret and continue to hurt myself”. This is a recipe for disaster; you would simply be indulging yourself on a daily basis in your feelings for Mia, to the inevitable detriment of your relationship with your wife.

The other alternative you suggest is to resign from your company. This offers you the chance to make a clean break and gives you a good opportunity to concentrate on your relationship with your wife without the distractions of seeing Mia again. So, if indeed you are sincere about your desire to keep your family intact, then you really do not have a choice at all.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Mon:

Thank you very much for your letter. I agree with everything Mr. Baer says above, except for his suggestion that you make a clean break by resigning from your company. Not only do I wonder if getting another job will be no problem, but I also feel such a decision will only make your relationship even more dramatic and thus, more special and harder to give up. Even though there is no independent, objective sign that Mia feels as you do, leaving your company will make you obsess over “What if?” scenarios even more.

I say this because I feel you may be a fantasist. Or, more accurately perhaps, a fantasist lite. A fantasist is “someone who often… confuses fantasy and what is real.” 

I am referring to your confusing Mia’s friendship with something more than that.

Unless Mia explicitly says “If you leave your wife, I will leave my husband so we can run away together, where nobody knows we’re not really married,” you should not read anything more into it the way you have been doing. That is what makes you a fantasist: making a big deal out of encounters between ordinary friends, which you interpret as the behavior of lovers (soon-to-be, potentially, or actually).

I could, of course, be wrong: Perhaps your reading of the situation is the more accurate. Perhaps all Mia is waiting for is a “Go ahead” signal from you, to leave her husband whom she recently married. Perhaps she is prepared to jeopardize her marriage for you, a man married to another woman for the last 10 years. Somehow I doubt it though.

The good news though is that you sometimes veer closer to reality (than to fantasy). I refer to your last sentence: “Should I leave and forever keep my feelings for her and wish that this feeling would fade away? Or stay and continue to love her in secret and continue to hurt myself?”

It is, of course, truly honorable of you to sacrifice what you feel is a reciprocated emotion because of your marriage. However, you can still behave decently and not choose either option you mention. You seem to feel you have no other choice but (1) to leave the company or (2) to stay, and continue to love her in secret. That is a false dichotomy and I can immediately think of another, more palatable option (and there may be many more than this one too).

Stay and enjoy the relationship for what it is – that of mere colleagues who reach out to each other in friendship and support.

Good luck and all the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Two Pronged asking for help, and may well view your comments here. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments which appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed.

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