[Two Pronged] My partner can’t give me an orgasm

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

 

Dear Dr. Holmes:

 

I am 22 years old and have been sexually active for two years now. My sex life is great, and currently I am in a serious relationship. My boyfriend and I are deeply in love, are sexually attracted to each other, and trust each other completely, especially when it comes to sex. However, I cannot reach orgasm through intercourse or through clitoral stimulation from him. Even when I was with other guys, it doesn’t seem to happen, no matter how serious the relationship or despite their efforts.

 

Truth be told, I have sexually bloomed early, and have been masturbating since I was a young girl. Thus, I am used to a certain method of achieving orgasm – a method wherein only I can do it, and my boyfriend can’t imitate. Since he can’t imitate the exact means of how I achieve orgasm through masturbation, I do not achieve orgasm with him. It feels good when he stimulates me, but it doesn’t reach the peak. The only way for me to reach orgasm is to finish up myself.

 

Our sex life isn’t suffering because we both don’t mind. However, I imagine it would be much, much more fulfilling if I could achieve orgasm either from vaginal or clitoral stimulation from him. I suspect this would also be good for him, knowing that he can make me come. Do you have any suggestions? I’ve tried everything and I’m not self-conscious. It’s just that, it seems impossible to reach orgasm unless I do it my own way, which a partner cannot imitate. I have tried teaching him as well, but it cannot be done.

 

Thank you very much for your time!   

 

All the best,

Donna

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Dear Donna,

Thank you for your email.

We live in a world of massive information overload, where millions of answers to any question are available at the click of a mouse and where we are bombarded by the media with unsolicited advice on all sorts, even the most intimate, of subjects. The result is a huge difficulty in separating fact from fiction and truth from falsehood, or at least wishful thinking.

Sex, and allied subjects like body image, are particularly fertile ground for misinformation and misdirection, especially when commercially driven. Billboards and other media delivery channels abound with messages extolling the virtues of white teeth, white skin, cosmetic surgery etc. What were optional extras are now increasingly marketed as life-enhancing necessities.

This propaganda blizzard has also engulfed the bedroom. The joys of sex, the importance of female sexual fulfillment, the simultaneous orgasm as the ultimate goal of intercourse – these are among the “rights” that are touted as denied to previous generations and ours for the taking, if only we will purchase the relevant magazine, book, video, cream, medication etc.

Given this onslaught, it is all too easy to see problems through the lens of focus groups, weighted averages, or carefully selected samples, and forget that when it comes to relationships we are individuals. What is touted as the average person’s or the majority’s views on penis size, or required time for foreplay, or favorite route to orgasm (stimulation by partner), or favorite type of stimulation for orgasm (vaginal intercourse) may be interesting but is unlikely to help a specific couple grappling with their own specific issues.

It seems to me that the critical parts of your email are “Our sex life isn’t suffering because we both don’t mind” and “I do it my own way, which a partner cannot imitate.” If both of these statements are true, perhaps it is time to stop striving for something that might be a nice optional extra but isn’t vital to a successful sex life. And maybe with time (after all, you have only been together for two years), just like some women get pregnant only when they stop trying, the two of you may yet enjoy a broader spectrum of orgasms than at present.

All the best,
JAF Baer

Dear Donna,

Thank you very much for your letter and for putting your problem in context: “My boyfriend cannot make me come. Although our sex life isn’t suffering but I imagine it would be more fulfilling if I could achieve orgasm from him. Do you have any suggestions?”

I have two specific suggestions for this specific goal you have:

1. One is the sexual position CAT (coital alignment technique) a variant of the missionary position and is designed to maximize clitoral stimulation during sexual intercourse (coitus). This is achieved by combining the “riding high” variation of the missionary position with pressure-counterpressure movements performed by each partner in rhythm with coitus. 

The Internet is full of techniques on how to perfect the CAT and some work and others don’t, but one thing you must remember to do is laugh together, okay? Or at least not to take things too seriously, okay? Laugh with him the first few times he falls off you since doing the CAT takes some skill and a lot of balancing.

2. The second is to masturbate until you are very close to orgasm and then put your hand above his so you can move it the way you usually do to come. Thus, his hand does not imitate your movements, as much as move the way you do since it is your hand that does it. This works only if you take his hand a few seconds before you come so that the interruption does not stop the excitement.  

And definitely, like the above suggestion, always look at the wider picture. The specific, tunnel-vision goal is for him to make you come during sex. The wider, all encompassing aspiration is, I hope, to journey together in love and lust, taking each adventure in stride, no matter what the outcome is.

I am not sure if either suggestion will work, but it’s sure worth a try, isn’t it?

While it may not matter to you as you seem a very self-assured person, allow me to say, “Hindi kayo nag-iisa (you are not alone).” To other women who may have similar concerns but may feel bad about it, let me cite some studies that back up my statement.

There is consistent evidence that women reach orgasm more quickly by themselves than during partnered sexual activity. In my opinion, the most exciting study “proving” this point is that by Zietsch, Miller, Bailey, and Martin called “Female orgasm rates are largely independent of other traits: Implications for ‘female orgasmic disorder’ and evolutionary theories of orgasm” from the Journal of Sexual Medicine, (2011) 8, 2305-2316.

Perhaps, more important is how women feel about orgasm vis-a-vis sexual satisfaction. For that, we have a UK study of women going to general practice clinics who showed that although 18% of the women met criteria for orgasmic difficulties, only 8% of said women also considered they had a sex problem. This 2007 study was done by King, Holt, and Nazareth, published in Archives of Sexual Behavior 36, 281-288 and titled, “Women’s views of their sexual difficulties: Agreement and disagreement of sexual diagnoses.”

In 2011, this finding was backed up by Bancroft, Long, and McCabe, J in their study “Sexual well being: A Comparison of US Black and White women in heterosexual relationships” in Archives of Sexual Behaviour. 40, 725-740. In it, they confirmed that women clearly differ in how important orgasm is in sexual satisfaction. In a national sample of US women aged 21 to 65 years, 29.1% rated having an orgasm as very or extremely important for their sexual happiness in contrast to 83.2% who said “feeling close to my partner” is what mattered.

It is very clear from your letter that you feel close to your partner and that any triumph from finally mastering a technical and/or timing glitch that will lead to his making you come is nothing compared to the security, joy, and laughter of caring for each other.

All the best,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com 

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