[Two Pronged] He won’t introduce me to his family

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I am a 30-something woman, in a relationship with a 40-something guy. We’ve been together for nearly a year now. The relationship is “normal.” I mean, we experience challenges and overcome it, the sweetness from each other, and good sex.

What I am concerned about (not just me, but my family and some of my other friends too) is I don’t get introduced to his family.

He’s “legal” in the eyes of my family. I introduced him to my world because I know he’s worth it. Dumadalaw naman siya sa bahay every other time.  (He does visit the house every other tIme.)

I also understand that things have been tough between him and his family since his annulment, and it could be one of the reasons why he can’t tell them about me.

I am also pretty sure he knows how it hurts not to be known in your S.O.’s family. Para kang ikinahihiya (it’s like he’s ashamed of you), because one of the girls he dated before did that to him. That is why I cannot comprehend why I can’t get a chance to know his family in person. 

When I asked him why he doesn’t do that (yet), he tried to confirm if I really want to know them and I said “yes, of course”, his answer was “dadating tayo dyan.” (We’ll get there.) 

On another occasion, I asked if at least his siblings know about me and he said “no”, followed by “I gave my siblings a hint, though” then I asked “How? what kind of hint?” he answered “I told them that I have a big plan in the near future” – (which still sounds really vague, right?) 

I actually want to confront him about this, but I am scared that he might think I’m in a hurry or something and could be the end of everything. I also don’t want to ask him about getting married because it might also put too much pressure on him. I jested about it once, then he said “we’ll be secretly married” and my head just said “Wtf? Do I look cheap, for a secret marriage?”

I mean, he and I are both the right age to talk about these things, but, I feel like I just can’t talk about it randomly with him. Sometimes he mentions about us living together in one roof, a family, conjugal stuff, and all; but never did he mention the legalities of it, considering he knows my position in the religious realm.

I know you have an idea how important it is for someone to get introduced to your partner’s family. For me it’s a privilege, but why can’t he? 

Though some of his cousins and friends, even his kids from his first marriage know that I exist in his life, but it’s still a different story to know and be known by his parents and siblings. 

It just feels like he can introduce some other girl to his family and not me. It also feels like he doesn’t see a future with me. It feels like I am of no value to him. It’s frustrating. 

On my part, I also had tough times telling the world that I am in a relationship with him. I was even berated with hurtful words by some of my faith-conservative friends because he’s not of the same faith as I am – like they and their relationships are the standard of love. But I fought for him, and our status, because I know love doesn’t have boundaries.

Sometimes when I think of it, I am so much ready to face the future coming from this relationship, while he, on the other hand, is still contemplating if he wants it with me or not.

For now, I just need a word of advice and wisdom from your perspective.

Thanks.

Bea 

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Dear Bea

To enable us to consider your letter more fully, perhaps you can elaborate on the significance of your different faiths on the past and the future of your relationship. 

Two Pronged

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I am a non-Catholic, reverend’s daughter. I do some church-based work. He, on the other hand, is a Catholic, but doesn’t go to church on a regular basis; Occasionally, he goes to a chapel to pray and light a candle.

When my non-Catholic, conservative friends knew of my relationship with him, they were against it. One of them said that it wasn’t the standard relationship that I should have (that is to be in a relationship only with someone from the same faith). But I fought that idea, stood for the love that we have; stood up for him.

I took the risk of telling the people around me (including my family) about my relationship with him, despite of the [possible] negative feedback that I could get. I went against the odds for our relationship, because I love him, and because I believe that love has no boundaries. It overlooks any race or faith, even the person’s past.

But not being introduced to his family, which I believe is the core group who should first know about me and him, is quite questionable. It gives me a feeling that I am not who he would want to be with in the long run. 

For me, knowing his family, and them knowing me – that’s partly a security/assurance of our relationship’s longevity. It gives me a hint and peace of mind that he and I will have a future. 

Bea 

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Dear Bea,

Thank you for your emails. 

It seems there are two main issues: your boyfriend (let’s call him Alan) refuses to introduce you to his family of origin (parents and siblings) and you have decided so far not to question Alan too forcibly on this. There may also be a further issue – your different religions – but this is unclear.

It is evident that the two of you have very different attitudes to your immediate families in general and to introducing your respective partners in particular. There is of course nothing wrong in this, provided you both understand the reasons behind the attitudes but despite being together for a year it is obvious that communication between you on these matters is scarcely ideal.

On the subject of the family friction caused by his annulment, “it could be one of the reasons why he can’t tell them about me” but you have clearly not discussed it frankly with him. Regarding his hints to his siblings, “I actually want to confront him about this” but you have yet to do so. He too is evasive and deliberately opaque. On the other hand, you have freely introduced him to your family and friends, and withstood any criticism, all in the name of love (in your view).

Your interpretation of his reluctance is negative; you see it as a lack of commitment to your relationship. However your explanation of your own reluctance to press him on this all-important issue is “I am scared that he might think I’m in a hurry.”

Have you considered that you are simply projecting here, interpreting Alan’s thoughts and actions as if he were you? Are you sure you have it right? And if you are not, why not address the problem the old-fashioned way and ask him directly about the things that are bothering you?

After all, your own assessment of the situation is that “It also feels like he doesn’t see a future with me.” If this is truly the case, at some stage the relationship is bound to end so you have nothing to lose. 

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Bea:

Thank you very much for your letter. I am sure it resonates with many of us who 1.) feel we are walking on eggs in our relationship, especially when bringing up a subject that is so important to us which our partner refuses to take seriously; and 2.) don’t know if we have reached the end of the road – whether to accept that things will never change and it’s time to go or time to give it one last shot. 

First, a relationship is sustained when life becomes easier, more joyful because you have this person in your life. I don’t see that happening in your relationship with Alan, Bea.

He has made you querulous and insecure. By giving you the message that your concerns about being introduced to his family of origin and marriage are not worthy of discussion, you now doubt whether these things should be important to you (they are). 

Outwardly, you have accepted his behavior without questioning, perhaps even laughing halfheartedly about his secret marriage allusions when what you really want to do is conk him on the head and shout: “Are you really such a bloody idiot?!!?”

I don’t blame you. He doesn’t behave like a man in love because such a person would do as you did – announce to the world proudly and boldly that he is your partner, the way you have done. 

No, you are not being pushy for demanding an answer; in fact you would be naïve not to. 

True, he might decide to break up with you but Bea, for all intents and purposes, he is no longer your partner. Instead of being on your side through thick and thin, especially when something untoward happens to you, he has become the untoward entity you need help dealing with. Frankly, many women have considered behavior like his as deal breakers.        

Urban Dictionary’s top definition for deal breaker

The definition is by Irish Red: “A deal breaker is ‘the catch’ that a particular individual cannot overlook and ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality the individual may possess. “

However, the one the example I like best was given by Liz Lemon from the TV show 30 Rock:

“What happen(ed), did the relationship suck?”  – Esposito 
“Dealbreaker. She wanted to have sex in a Coffin” – Ryan 

In other words, a deal breaker need not be something that comes across like, well, sex in a coffin or peeing on your face before he comes. It can be something other people do – like being emotionally unavailable when you need reassurance and some straight answers.

I do not know who said “What you accept (as you have been all this time) is what will continue” but s/he was spot on.  It is up to you to decide, Bea. Will you risk being without him or remain the querulous, insecure person you are with him?  

Best of luck,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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