[Two Pronged] He wanted a threesome, I obliged. Now he’s grown cold

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I have had a British partner for 3 years and up to this time we are still together.  I met him in Puerto Galera, Mindoro, in 2013 and he brought me here to Australia.

When we first met, we were together for 5 days and on our last day I asked him if there was anything else in life he wanted to do that he hadn’t done yet.

He answered that he had never had a threesome and that he would really like to have one with me and another girl.

I was not shocked at his answer because he is already 37 years old and a foreigner. I am also 37 and so, without making a big deal about it and because we were still not boyfriend-girlfriend, I was able to find a girl, who had another girl tag along so they were two other women who came.

At that time it was only my foreigner friend and the two women who had the threesome. I did not join them, even if I was naked.  It seemed like two women were enough for him. He was so happy with me and I didn’t realize that he would invite me to be with him for 3 weeks the next time he was in the Philippines.

He asked me if I wanted to go to Australia. He brought me there but I had to go back after 6 months because of my visa. Our baby is now 18 months.

When I came back to the Philippines, I brought my baby and we were all ok…until last May 2015 when our baby and I came home to the Philippines once more. 

Now, he started changing, little by little until I realized he was into porn movies on his computer. After, he would masturbate and now, we hardly ever have sex. 

I often see the tissue he uses to wipe himself off and of course we all know what semen smells like.  We also just arrived from Puerto Galera and on our last day he asked me once more to get another female. This time I was part of the threesome.

Perhaps you are wondering why I allowed all this to happen. That is because I told him I preferred he tell me everything rather than hide anything from me.

What can you advise me, Dr Holmes and Mr Baer? Why is he still like this even if I try to understand him?  I even let him taste other women but he still behaves the same towards me when we came back to Australia – very cold. 

Is what he does normal? Always masturbating even if we live together in the same house? 

I am hurt with the way he treats me in bed. Do you think it would be better if I separated from him?  I have learned to love him and we have a child together, but the only problem is his behavior.

He is 55 and I am 40. If you check my pictures on FB, I have taken care of myself just to please him, but it seems I still lack something.  What should I do or am I just too OA (over-acting)? 

Please help me.  

Cora 

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Hello, Cora:

Just to get a better idea of the options available to you, can you tell us if you’re legally married?

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Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

We are not married but we are in a de facto relationship, according to Australian law, so it is like we’re good as married.

I am sacrificing because I still have two children in the Philippines and they are both studying.  But they will both be graduating in March 2017.

I am waiting for my visa to change to resident so that I can bring both my children here. I still need to wait at least 2 1/2 years for all this to happen. I don’t mind waiting, even if I have to suffer.

I don’t know if after all this, I will just set him free so he can do all the things that make him happy. Sometimes he says he is happy, but because I have been with him these 3 years I already know him well. 

I also know whether what he says is what is deep in his heart. I know that he is still looking for something else and that he still wants to experience and do something else. 

Is it normal for a man like him to masturbate so often? Sometimes, I am the one who initiates making love. But he often says no because he has finished masturbating. I humiliate myself but I just swallow my pride for the sake of our relationship. I am trying to keep the relationship alive because I do not want our baby to grow up like my 2 older kids, who did not have a father by their side.

Their father was an alcoholic who beat me. But even if he was violent towards me I tried to keep myself together emotionally because my children were still young.

I do not know how long I can keep on suffering like this.

I am not after any alimony. When my two older children graduate, I can support our baby and myself. 

I do not want to ask for any alimony in case we separate. I know he loves our baby so I want him to feel the pain and what he will miss if he doesn’t change, 

True, he has money, a house, a good job, but at the end of the day, he will not be happy.  I want him to realize what he will miss if he loses us. 

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Dear Cora, 

Thank you for your emails.

It seems that some basic ground rules for your relationship with your boyfriend (let’s call him James) were set when you first met. On the last day he wanted a threesome and so you arranged it, even if you did not participate.

You supposedly did this because he was 37 and a foreigner (bizarre criteria for your decision) but you also say you were not in a relationship with him so you perhaps had no real expectation of seeing him again.

He however had met a beautiful woman who was willing to indulge his sexual fantasies without demur so he looked you up on his next visit and, as they say, the rest is history and you are a couple with a baby. 

It is reasonable to suggest that your initial meeting influenced the development of your relationship. You were willing to forgo any notion of exclusivity or fidelity by allowing him to sleep with two other women and this was something James was unlikely to forget.

It is therefore not difficult to understand that his interest in porn is just an extension of this same theme – sex with strangers without your involvement – as well as being far easier to arrange and less demanding than real sex.

It seems that his lack of interest in sex with you is the source of your current dissatisfaction yet given your early history with James you surely cannot have expected a truly conventional relationship.

You also seem to think that if he turns down your sexual advances you are humiliating yourself. This seems inconsistent with your willingness to provide him with alternative partners, but maybe there is some critical information that we are missing from the period between your move to Australia and James’s loss of interest in sex with you. 

As for a strategy for the future, you seem to be a bit inconsistent. On the one hand, you say you don’t mind waiting even if you have to suffer. You are also willing to stay because you want your baby to have a father and you have learned to love James. Yet you also want him to suffer if you eventually leave him. 

Overall, the best option may be to make the most of your current situation. Then, when your visa situation is resolved, you can decide whether you want to stay with James or not. 

If there are other aspects of your relationship which you wish to address, please write again. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Cora:

Thank you very much for your letter. Jeremy talks of being confused regarding all the results you want to happen should you leave…but also should you stay.  

Actually, there’s nothing wrong with what you’re going through. It’s called ambivalence and psychology is rife with research on and theories about ambivalence, be it the reasonable kind that we all experience or the pathological kind that many of us experience occasionally (at least, we hope it’s merely occasionally ☺). 

The latest I’ve read on ambivalence is Kenneth Weisbrode’s 2012 book On Ambivalence: the Problems and Pleasures of Having it Both Ways  (MIT Press, 2012) and it is a wonderful read.

To quote University of Wisconsin-Madison Full Professor Yi-Fu Tuan, who by the way was partly educated in the Philippines, “Ambivalence haunts individuals and societies, intensifying as the world moves toward global modernity. What a relief and a pleasure, then, to be able to recommend, without ambivalence, this elegant meditation on ambivalence.”

You may ask, “Why are you going on and on about ambivalence? It’s answers I want, not treatises on a psychological reality.”

To which I would answer: “Ahhh…because I cannot continue to answer your letter effectively without sharing my ambivalence about doing so.” 

When I told Mr Baer about my conflict, he said: “You mean about the age thing? Yes, I noticed it, but I chose to concentrate on what I felt were the  more important issues.” 

Happily, Mr Baer is not a clinical psychologist (at least, not strictly speaking), though I have learned more from him than from 10 psychologists combined. He can thus overlook what I cannot, and answer your letter effectively and elegantly. 

Alas, I am (merely) a clinical psychologist and feel uncomfortable about answering you further unless I can clarify the following something.

The first sentence in paragraph 4 (P4) of your letter to us states: “I was not shocked at his answer because he is already 37 years old and a foreigner. I am also 37 and so, without making a big deal about it and because we were still not boyfriend-girlfriend, I was able to find a girl…”

However, in the 14^th (and last) paragraph of the same letter, you unequivocally state that: “He is 55 and I am 40.” 

Please explain. I really want to answer your letter. It touches on so many issues confronting our fellow kababayans, especially those who live away from home.  

However, I hope you understand why I cannot answer a letter that seems to involve at the very least 2 different men with a 15-year age gap who would most likely have different expectations of, and different options available for, a long term relationship.

Unless I feel you are straightforward, I myself am ambivalent about answering you further. I can choose to look at this glaring age-gap discrepancy the way Mr Baer has, but that would be inconsistent with my training and clinical experience.   

Did you just forget that you are both the same age? Were you using ages 55 and 40 metaphorically and 37 and 37 literally? Or vice versa? Is there a new kind of math I am unaware of?

I know I may seem to be nit-picking but to ignore this discrepancy would not be helpful to you, to me and to our readers. 

Looking forward to hearing from you, hopefully with answers that will allow further interactions among all 3 of us.

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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