[Two Pronged] He puts his family before me

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

Is there such a thing as an overly possessive family?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 10 years. We’ve been dating since we were 17, but we’ve never really had major arguments except when we fight about his family.

My boyfriend lives with his entire clan. His parents, his aunties, his older siblings and nephews and nieces. Every year they’d invite me over to family occasions but if it’s my family’s turn to invite him, they’d be reluctant and insist that I attend their celebration instead. In a span of almost 10 years, my boyfriend has only attended around 5 significant occasions (Christmas, funerals, birthday parties) from my side of the family because his family has been emotionally blackmailing him every time he’d attend and he felt guilty about it.

In occasions when he had to bring me home from a date, his mother would frown upon the idea of him bringing me to my house saying it’s too much effort for him to do that. At one point, she even suggested that he stay in my place overnight even if he lives only 10km away! On rare occasions when he would help me with random errands, to them, it is as if he’s giving so much effort for it, but these requests are just standard things people in a relationship do for each other and i’ve done my fair share for him too. To them, doing small things for me and supporting my family’s activities is too much effort on his part.

For almost 10 years, I’ve seen his family influence him in many of his decisions and it’s seriously affecting our relationship. I know family culture is very important in this country, I know they mean well, but at this point, I consider their dominance seriously unhealthy. 

He doesn’t seem to be growing or maturing, he can’t even make decisions for himself unless they approve of it, he can’t even work independently because of them. The influence is so strong that in several occasions, he’d choose errands they’d make him do over our dates. I can’t point a finger at it, but something really feels wrong. I’ve talked to him about this and to him he does not have much of a choice (i totally disagree with this).

As much as I love him, I can’t shake off the feeling that I should seriously consider ending it because of his controlling and manipulative relatives.

Please help me.

Ana

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Dear Ana,

Thank you for your email.

In almost every corner of life there is a fine line to be drawn between normal and abnormal (in the non-scientific sense) behavior and what is normal for one person should not necessarily set the standard for anybody else, much less everybody. This is particularly so in the area of family dynamics where cultural norms – often expressed as generalizations such as the hierarchy of siblings, respect for one’s elders, etc – are intertwined with the particular characteristics, both virtues and vices, of the actual people who make up each individual family unit. In your case, Ana, there is a widening chasm between what your boyfriend (let’s call him Josh) considers normal behavior and how you define it.

As children develop into adults, they pass through various stages: total dependence, partial dependence, independence. The character of the individual will weigh heavily on the process but so will the environment in which the person is living. For example, in Anglo-Saxon societies, children are often considered adults at 18 and expected to leave home, go to college or get a job, and generally to lead a separate life, particularly financially. In other societies however, it is not unknown for children to remain living at home well into adulthood and frequently even after marriage.

When it comes down to one specific couple and how their respective views on independence impact on their relationship, clearly the ideal is a shared view. This is most definitely not the case here, Ana. You expect Josh to place you increasingly at the top of his priorities, over and above his family, while he considers that family comes first. The battle has been going on for 10 years and you are not emerging victorious. 

This should lead you ineluctably to the conclusion that you cannot change either Josh or his family. The good news however is that you can change yourself.

You say: “I should seriously consider ending it because of his controlling and manipulative relatives.” I would put it differently: “I should end it because he does not have the will to change or to make me the #1 person in his life.” You may want to give him an ultimatum, a last (however unlikely) chance, or simply decide that enough is enough and say goodbye. All the best.

JAF Baer

 

Dear Ana:

Thank you very much for your letter, which you started with the question: “Is there such a thing as an overly possessive family?” 

This is a leading question because, of course, there is always such a thing as an overly possessive family, an overly manipulative mother, an overly jealous sister, et cetera, et cetera. The question is phrased in such a way that the answer has to be a resounding yes (especially for those, perhaps, who are not so immediately discerning) or maybe. Never a “no” because how can one ever prove a negative?

However, looking at your situation,  I highly recommend you stop second guessing his family or even Josh.  Words are a dime a dozen and you have been arguing about so many tings and, it seems never coming to resolution.  All this arguing, second guessing, making excuses for him (it’s not because of him but “because of his controlling and manipulative relatives”) might be ok for the first year of the relationship but after that? 

If the proof of the pudding is in the eating, then the proof of the relationship is in the relating.  How do you relate to each other when you are not focused on his relatives, especially on blaming them for his unsatisfactory behavior?  After all, does it really matter if he’s an ineffectual, incompetent (as far as you’re concerned) boyfriend? What matters is whether you like being his girlfriend even if nothing ever changes. 

Because nothing will, you know.

Not unless you change and leave him.  You’ve been with him for 10 years now and have probably tried everything under the sun to get him to change vis a vis his family.  But changing vis-à-vis his family is really getting him to change vis-à-vis you.  What you want is to be Josh’s #1 priority – and why not?

You feel the “why not?” is because of his family.  But other men have had families more possessive than Josh’s and yet have not treated their girlfriends as cavalierly as Josh has treated you.  In the final analysis, Josh treats you the way he does because you’ve let him.

How do you not let him? By not agreeing to be his girlfriend if this continues.  

In other words, as Mr Baer suggests, break up with him. If he changes in the way you hope and want, consider going back, as long as you are sure the change is real.  If he doesn’t, then at least you are free from being a person who always blames others for her misfortune.

I know, I know, you will say “But sayang (What a waste)! Sayang naman our 10 years. Ten years, Doktora!!!” to which I answer: “10 years is a lot less sayang than 11, 12, etc”

Reading between the lines of your letter (I hope, accurately), I think this is the better way to move forward.  Good luck.

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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