[Two Pronged] I fell out of love with the father of my child

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I’m writing because I wanna take the opportunity to ask you a very complicated thing I have been experiencing for years now. And the hard thing is I don’t have someone to share this with. So, here it is.

I am Anell (not real name), 23, from Mindanao. I have a live-in partner with a child already. Thing is, it’s hard for me right now:  I have been living with my bf for almost 3 years now and we’ve been in a relationship for 5 years. And before we got a child, I got this feeling, as if I lost my feelings already to this guy, but I just pursued the relationship and companionship because I don’t want my child to experience the same thing as mine which is not having a father or a biological father with me when I grew up.

Right now, I’m really having a hard time having sex with him; I feel that I can’t resist it anymore. I feel that I can’t even kiss him. I can hug him, but i can’t kiss him passionately unlike before. I can’t make love to him the way I did before.

And the hardest thing here is like I always long for another man to love me. To give a life I deserve and a family I would be living with forever. 

I need some advice from you guys, I don’t wanna hurt my bf and my child but I am really sacrificing a lot for myself. I don’t think I can live a life that I can’t be crystal clear unlike before when I was in love. What should I do now?

I would love to hear from you here, if you would still reply. Thank you for hearing my concern.  God bless!

Kind regards, 

Anell

 

Dear Anell,

Thank you for your email.

I must confess to some confusion after reading your account of your situation. You say that you lost your feelings for your boyfriend (let’s call him Bob) before you got pregnant yet despite this you have not only continued the relationship but actually had a child together for reasons that you do not even hint at. You also dwell at length on your feelings, or lack of, for Bob but never mention his feelings, if any, for you. However, you state that you long for another man to love you which implies possibly that Bob does not love you any more than you love him. 

Leaving this aside in the absence of further information, having stayed with Bob and had a child, you believe you are now faced with the choice of either bringing up your child in partnership with the biological father who you do not love or seeking a mutually loving relationship elsewhere with a partner who can only be a stepfather to your child. This suggests that your choice is between your happiness and that of your child, a conclusion you reach partly on the basis of your own fatherless experience.

As any regular reader of this column will be aware, we are not advocates of the doctrine that parents should stay together, whatever the circumstances, simply for the sake of the children. 

Given that emotions are caught and not taught, children pick up very quickly on the state of their parents’ relationship. An upbringing in an unhappy marriage can be damaging for a child just as an upbringing in a single parent or blended family can be affirming. After all, if the parents are unhappy or at loggerheads or having affairs, what sort of message is this giving the children about how marriages are supposed to work, how husbands and wives are supposed to behave? And what sort of atmosphere are the children growing up in on a daily basis?

You are in danger of locking yourself into a loveless relationship with Bob solely because he is the biological father of your child, based on the incorrect assumption that a family with two parents must always be better for a child than one with either just one parent or a parent and a non-biological parent.

Certainly there is no guarantee that if you leave Bob you will necessarily find your soulmate, but you will have kept your net gritty and regained your independence – and your child will of course still have a father, albeit one who lives elsewhere.

All the best,

JAF Baer

  

Dear Anell,

Thank you very much for your letter.  I can’t help feeling that the penultimate paragraph of your letter says it all  “…I don’t wanna hurt my bf and my child but I am really sacrificing a lot for myself. I don’t think I can live a life that I can’t be crystal clear unlike before when I was in love.”

It is fairly clear that you plan to leave your boyfriend because you are no longer in love with him. You do not need permission from us – or from anyone else – to do what you feel is right for yourself. Ultimately, what is right for yourself will be right for your baby – as Mr Baer has adequately explained. It will also be right for the father of your child who will, at least, stop living in a fool’s paradise and can thus make realistic plans for himself as well.

Falling out of love with your partner is not under your control. What is, however, is the manner in which you leave him.

I feel the most honorable thing to do is to tell the father of your child your plans as soon as possible. He has a right to know what is going on. 

I honestly don’t know what to tell him if he asks why you want to leave him because I do not know what sort of a person he is and how he would react to what you might tell him.   All I know is, the closer to the truth your reason is, the better it will be for everyone. 

So good luck, dearest Anell. You have a lot on your plate at such a young age and if there is anything else we can do for you, especially help you with information and/or gaining another perspective about something you still have not made up your mind about, please write us once more. 

All the best,

MG Holmes 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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