[Two Pronged] I’m into ‘golden showers’

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I am 27 years old and single (never married) I studied in one of the best universities in the South (run by Jesuits) and have a good job. I have no problems getting women, but keeping them is a problem.

I wonder if it has to do with my problem. I like pissing on people. Not all the time and not on all the people. Just on women. Women I find attractive. Women I want to take to bed. I need it to get turned on. It’s like, if I don’t piss on them, I don’t want to bed them, no matter how attractive they are.  Even if they are the ones who make the first move and tell me they like me. 

Some even hint they would like to scr*w me. You’d be surprised how forward women are these days, Dr Holmes. But maybe Mr Baer would know what I am talking about. 

You think that would be enough to turn on any male in his prime. But not me. I am jealous of men who can get hot so easily.

But for me, that is not the case. I cannot get hot even if the girl is beautiful or white (mestiza). Unless I piss on the girl, I do not become hot.

But it isn’t just that. I want to scr*w her too. 

The problem is, once I piss on her, she doesn’t want me to scr*w her anymore. I try everything and say everything to make her stay to scr*w but they all leave.  Only one girl agreed to stay. She was a feminist who told me “what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.”  In other words, she wanted to piss on me too!! She said we could scr*w only if she pissed on me too. I refused.

Before I used to wait and court the girl so that she would become my girlfriend and maybe love me enough to allow pissing. But it didn’t work.  

My barkada told me girls love gifts so I included a present. But still nothing happens. Once I pissed on them, they weren’t interested.

 I am so frustrated. What can I do? I am running out of girls to court in my city. 

Carlo

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Dear Carlo,

I very much regret however that none of my own experiences, whether in single sex boarding schools, as an international banker or even as just a male of the species, has prepared me for this issue. As any reply on my part would be based on mere speculation or whimsy, I must defer to my eminent co-columnist, whose videos (check here and here) are an excellent general introduction to this topic. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Carlo: 

Thank you vey much for your letter.

Your desire to pee on someone before you have sex with her is a kind of urolagnia, which one can describe as sexual pleasure from the sight or thought of urination or, as in your case, the act on urinating on a person. 

Other terms for it are golden shower, watersports, golden rain, giving the impression thaturolagnia is something fun to experience or actually have over the long term. It is for many consenting adults, but for people who are forced into it, well, it no longer is urolagnia (which includes sexual pleasure).

One might be tempted to describe being forced – or, in your case, “shocked” – into it as urophobia but it isn’t, since urophobia is the fear of urine, which I imagine, none of your SSP (sana sex partners – or would have been sexual partners had you not peed on them) experienced before or even after having met you. 

They didn’t refuse to have sex with you because they were afraid of urine per se, but because what you did was distasteful to them, kakainis (irritating as hell) and who wants to have sex with someone one who is kakainis in the first place. 

You are so lucky that all they did was leave – rather than walloping you or making you a butt of jokes.

Not knowing any of your SSP’s, I am merely hypothesizing the following, ok?

I suspect that what was most offensive to your SSPs was not the peeing per se.  After all, there is nothing inherently wrong with some warm pee sprinkling (or even raining) down on your feet or even on your belly – but imagine how off putting it must be not to be told about it beforehand?!!?

Among other reasons, you did not give them the option to say no, which is really awful of you, don’t you think?

This is not to reassure you that they would all have agreed if you had asked them beforehand, but at least you would have given them the chance to say yes (or not), rather than making the decision for them beforehand.

While being peed on is not the end of the world, admittedly, I have yet to be told it is on anyone’s bucket list.  I daresay you too were given the choice – by your “what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander” SSP you described as feminist – and you said no.

We will not, for the moment (or maybe forever, unless you write us back), discuss if their shock/fear/disgust when you pee on them is part of what turns you on.  That will involve other dynamics and will thus need a different column to discuss adequately.

In ending, therefore, what I suggest is that you tell your SSPs beforehand so that, hopefully, one or many of them will gladly agree to trade in their SSP description for the more happy-making ASP (actual sex partner). 

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.