[Two Pronged] Sugar mommy

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Hi Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I’m Chloe, 31 years old, a government hospital resident doctor. I’m an NBSB (No BF since birth)-until now. I am always unlucky when it comes to love – they’re either gay or married.

Two years ago, my best friend, INS, told me that her boyfriend (Joey), met a handsome and rich guy looking for a text mate. We became text mates.

We clicked, texting each other like we’ve been friends for life. We became “sext mates.” We met up. This is the first time I surrendered my virginity, maybe because I’m in my 30s. I thought that it was just a one-night stand. But he kept texting, etc.

But he’s not rich or with his own business. He is a lazy bum – unemployed, drinks, smokes, gambles and womanizes

Worse, I bring food to his house after work, pay when we have movie dates. I pick him up and we go to malls by taxi. It makes me look like a young sugar mommy…(Shame on me!) We have sex in his house and I give him money in return. It’s as if I am maintaining him.

But I fell in love with him despite his flaws. I discovered he’s communicating with his ex-girlfriend. I confronted him but he says he doesn’t see me as a girlfriend; he’s “just happy” with me.

He insisted he would only treat me as a girlfriend if I would diet, claiming he’s a having hard time during sex. I’m on the heavy side. That’s a double whammy for me. I tried dieting and exercise, but it didn’t work…

I’m thinking he’s happy because I give him money, like he’s with me only for money. He even said we’re exclusively dating, but we can date other people as well. It’s confusing and hurts me. As if we’re friends with benefits. 

 I’ve cried countless times over him. He lies countless times for no particular reason. I always get jealous and paranoid whenever girls text him. He’s comparing his cellphone to my wallet because both are private things.

Every time we argue, we don’t communicate for about a  month. I feel I’m really over him, but he would text me and I give in…I’m pusong mamon (I am too kind-hearted).

I disclosed this to some trusted friends, They say I should leave him – he’s a douchebag, just using me for money. But I hold on to him even if he’s just using me.

Kung kelan pa ako tumanda, saka pa ako naging tanga sa pag-ibig (It’s terrible that it is when I am older that I became such a fool for love).

There are also times that when we fight and even if it’s not my fault, I end up apologizing to him…as if I don’t have enough self-respect…

Why did God send me a man like Matt?  What is Matt’s purpose in my life?

Please enlighten me, even if –haha, looks like I’ll be experiencing a sermon.  Many thanks again.     

Chloe

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Dear Chloe,

Thanks for your email – though if your issue is truly why God sent you Matt, it seems your email got misdirected to this agnostic. 🙂 But while I am not about to deliver a sermon, which is after all the province of men pontificating with fearful certainty about the thoughts and demands of a Supreme Being who has actually never contacted them, I do have some rather more grounded thoughts about your situation.

The picture you paint of the man you say you love is, I must suggest, rather one-sided. Matt is apparently an unemployed and lazy bum, fond of drink, smoking, gambling and other women. Furthermore, this paragon of vices refuses to acknowledge you as his girlfriend, preferring to consider you ‘unofficial.’

Quite why you ‘love’ a man with these qualities is something you have neglected to mention. Of course we can speculate – perhaps Matt is very attractive, an ace in bed etc. – but your failure to tell us leaves this as nothing more than mere guesswork.

Looking at your situation more broadly, perhaps it is worth noting that there can be understandably differing viewpoints depending on whose opinion is being solicited.

Firstly, your friends and family are presumably professionals like yourself, or at least aspire to such status. For them, approval of your association with a ‘lazy bum’ dedicated to a life of unemployment would be quite unthinkable and they will not cease to list the endless reasons for their opposition.

However, for Matt’s friends, the situation is very different. He has found a girlfriend (whatever the status) who will accept him despite all his faults and who has enough money to enrich his life in so many ways. What’s not to like, even envy?!?!

Then there is your own perspective, which I think is very firmly rooted in your self-image as an NBSB who wants the happily married life that she sees her friends enjoying. You finally find someone who ticks some of the boxes, you ignore his faults and you have the resources to make it work. Ok, it isn’t the relationship that you dreamt of but it sure beats being on your own.

Now, there are competing views of the future of this relationship. Some may say that it is doomed to failure but so what, many relationships are equally doomed to failure but people can still enjoy them until they end. Some may say that you can do better so you should end it immediately “since he is just using you,” but this means giving up something real in the hope, perhaps never to be realized, of another, better prospect appearing on the horizon at some unknown future date. It is not difficult to understand how this might seem an unattractive option.

You yourself could have yet another viewpoint. Perhaps, that is that Matt may be an unsatisfactory boyfriend but he is way better than no boyfriend at all. You may have to make some sacrifices – but your pride and your bank balance have already suffered and survived – but overall you are getting enough out of the relationship to make the situation tolerable.

At the end of the day, you need to decide what really matters to you, what you want from the relationship and how much you are prepared to compromise. All relationships require compromise; it is just the degree that is in question. Clearly if you only wanted a conventionally perfect relationship, you would have said goodbye to Matt already. On the other hand, if you were simply happy no longer to be an NBSB, you would carry on with him. That you wrote to us puts you somewhere in between these positions and so you need to decide what your true priorities are and match them against your relationship with Matt.

And finally, in answer to your question “What is Matt’s purpose in my life?” I would suggest that he is there to help you decide what you really want out of a relationship.

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Chloe:

Thank you very much for your letter. A special shout put to my co-columnist, Jeremy Baer, without whose straightforward, realistic and “krookoo” answer I would not have had the space to explore other issues.

I especially like the last part of your letter, when you say “I’m expecting a sermon.” To me that means you don’t mind my giving you one ☺. In truth, I will not really be giving you a sermon (does that ever work, I wonder?) but more content analyzing parts of your letter. 

I will also posit a theory based on what you wrote about yourself and on my observations and clinical experience.

Both may be quite hurtful initially but, I hope, more healing than hurtful in the long term.

In your letter, you wrote the following:

• “It makes me look like a young sugar mommy… We have sex in his house and I give him money in return.It’s as if I am maintaining him … I’m thinking like he’s with me only for money.
• I’m thinking he’s happy because I give him money, like he’s with me only for money. (Italics and bold print mine) 

The poet James Whitcomb Riley once wrote “When I see a bird that walks like a duck and swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, I call that bird a duck“

In other words, dearest Chloe, using phrases like “as if ” and the word “like” does not change the fact that you are a young sugar mommy and he’s with you only for money.

Of course, someone also once said: “If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck but it needs batteries, you probably have the wrong abstraction.” 

One way to test whether Matt really is an “-uck” (and not just a wrong abstraction of one) is to put it to the test. Do not give him any money no matter how much you want to take a cab or eat in nice places. And definitely, do not give him any money after he makes love to you, and see how long he stays around.

In your letter, you also describe yourself as “an NBSB – until now” and “always unlucky when it comes to love” and “paranoid whenever girls text him” 

All of these suggest that you consider yourself inferior to women who have had countless boyfriends from the get go, are lucky in love and do not get paranoid when girls text their BF. 

I can just imagine the messages cruel aunts, supposed friends and even Matt (who has the arrogance to suggest that “we’re exclusively dating, but we can date other people as well”) have sent you through the years. These other women are slimmer, prettier, sexier, and far more attractive and always will be.”

Matt was the first man who made you feel as pretty, as sexy and as attractive as all these other women, the first man who made you feel like a woman desired by a hot blooded male – until he didn’t, that is.  

Still, while it lasted, it must have given you that extra sparkle in your eyes and the glowing skin only young love can bestow. Without saying a word, you let the world recognize the exhilaration and the sense of power and the self confidence no one else – be they friends, parents or mentors – can give.

You forgive him for anything because of this gift he once gave you — until he took it away with his words and actions. This is called “keeping you on your toes,” which is an insult to any sentient being, including one’s pet dog.

And yet this forgiveness is understandable because you hope he will, once again, reignite that exhilaration, power and self-confidence within you.

Yet I doubt he can ever give you that self-confidence now that jealousy and paranoia have set in.  I can’t help feeling he did this on purpose, so you would find it difficult to say goodbye.

As I said earlier, these are hurtful truths (at least, I feel they’re truths) I have shared.  But, if it leads to your realizing no one can give you that power and self-confidence but yourself, it will be well worth it.

Good luck,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.