[Two Pronged] Will he cheat again?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer: 

I am “Gelli,” 45, and married to “Leon,” 45.  Ten years ago, Leon left my son and me for “Kara.” To cope with my failed marriage, my son and I migrated. I moved on and healed myself. 

Shortly after I returned home 4 years ago, Leon left the woman. I accepted him back, after a brief “courtship” period. He asked forgiveness and a second chance. It was pride and shame for his actions that made him not come back to us earlier, discovering that Kara had a tendency to pick fights and was insecure of her position, despite his leaving us for her. He realized that what he had with me was far better than the very turbulent and violent relationship he had with her.

I never spoke to or saw Kara personally but I know of her from social media and common friends. I have no ill feelings for her but I do not want our paths to cross. I may just find myself realizing I have not forgiven her for destroying my family. 

I was vocal of my conditions that Leon stop all communication with Kara. He agreed, but asked for my patience as he disentangles himself from her. In the first year of our reconciliation there are photos of him and Kara on her FB page. I understand that letting go is different for everyone and I let him deal with it his own way.

But it’s nearing the 4th year and he still entertains calls, messages, appeals for financial help, etc. He says there is nothing romantic anymore, he only wants to help. He feels he is also to blame for the woman’s present difficulties. 

Last week, when he took her and her friends out on a day trip out of town and helped her organize an alumni event. I confronted him as I have before, and told him to leave. Twice this year, I already threw out his clothes and locked him out of our house, but he insists that there is nothing between them anymore and pleads for me to forgive him, not to give up on him, and find some more patience for his shortcomings.

In the same way I knew before that he was having an affair then, I know that nothing like that is happening now, and that he is telling the truth that they have not gotten back together. But I do know that the woman is still hoping that he comes back to her and makes all kinds of reasons for them to talk and see each other. And he accommodates these and I think his giving in to the woman’s request is fanning her hopes that he will want to rekindle their relationship.

I am getting very tired of the situation. I do not want this stress in my life anymore and I have no peace of mind every time he comes home late or does not answer his phone, I am suspicious of his actions.

No doubt I love him, but I am also a person who knows I can live without a husband and my happiness is not only being with him. Our child is already a teenager and very mature about our family life (he knew his father left us for another woman), so in the event of a second separation, I know I can talk to him already as an adult, so that is of little consequence to ensuring a “complete family” set up. 

We had another confrontation, I reiterated my demands, and said that the next one I discover after this latest incident will be the last – no more questions or discussions. I said that I will want him to leave us and just establish his own relationship with his child. No more “another chance.” 

I more or less know that this is what I want to happen in case he does it again and in the meantime, I try to still be a loving and supportive wife to him and pray that the last time will really be the last. 

Any thoughts on this are most welcome.

“Gelli“

Dear Gelli, 

Thank you for your letter. 

At first I thought: here is a woman who is in control of her life. She discovers that her husband Leon is fooling around the hard way (when he leaves her for another woman) but manages to move on, making a new life for herself and her son abroad.

However, it seems, Gelli, that you did not move on at all because no sooner had you set foot back home than you were welcoming the adulterer with open arms and declaring that you loved him. Sure, you required him to court you again. Sure, you imposed stringent conditions. But in the final analysis he was under your roof once again more or less as though nothing had happened – and incidentally without you explaining (to us) why you decided on this course of action. 

Except, of course, Leon has to this day maintained his relationship with Kara. Maybe it is no longer the passionate and sexual relationship it once was, but are you in a position to know this for a fact? Anyway, a relationship with a mistress (whether ex or not) that lasts 4 years after the philanderer returns to the bosom of his family is certainly a strong emotional tie that is extremely unlikely to have a beneficial effect on the husband/wife relationship.

And what of your demand when agreeing to take Leon back that he stop all communication with Kara? That, and all subsequent repetitions, have been roundly ignored for 4 long years yet you and Leon are still together despite everything.

Leon has it made. He has his feet under your table and plenty of time to see Kara as well. He probably enjoys having two women fighting over him and may even be giving Kara some faint hope of reconciliation to keep her keen. Ok, you may complain loudly and tell him to stop seeing her but he already knows these are empty threats.

Quite what your son is making of all this is not clear. First he is living in a two-parent household. Then he is abroad with only you and perhaps being told that his father has moved in with another woman. Then he is home again with two parents – but Dad is still seeing “the other woman.”

Mum keeps threatening him, he pays no attention, and the empty threats continue in an unchanging cycle. This is not an ideal introduction to how adults should manage relationships for a teenager approaching his maturity.

And it is worth mentioning at this juncture that whatever theory (about adult relationships, marriage, forgiveness etc.) you may be attempting to inculcate in his adolescent mind, he will undoubtedly be measuring it – and finding it sorely wanting – against the stark reality of the adult behavior he is exposed to on a daily basis. In effect, you will be teaching him ‘Disneyland’ and he is living Fifty Shades of Grey. 

Gelli, perhaps the time has come for you to stop saying one thing (“no more another chance”) yet doing another (giving him another chance). Isn’t your patience exhausted after 4 years of Leon’s feeble excuses for staying in touch with Kara? Move him out, move on and be the person you claim to be – “I can live without a husband and my happiness is not only being with him.” 

Alternatively, accept him for what he is – after all, you say you love him so he must have some good attributes even if you have not revealed them to us – and make the best of it. Good luck.

JAF Baer

 

Dear Gelli: 

Thank you very much for your letter. IMHO, Mr Baer’s answer is very good and while I was tempted to add “it is so good I have nothing more to say; everything would be a mere repetition of his answer,” I realize that I do.

I cannot help feeling Mr Baer and you have been too kind, too willing to overlook the past and forgive him…until he makes the next mistake. 

My stance is to go back to him and tell him, the sooner the better: “Look, I’ve thought it over. I made a mistake taking you back. Please leave by 6 pm tonight or, once more, you will find your clothes out on the street and, but, unlike before, you cannot come back to us.” 

It is important, I feel, that you think about this when you are calm and collected so that you do not worry – like you may have in the past when you threw his clothes out in a anger – that you were being unfair or too emotional and that yes, he deserves another chance. 

He doesn’t. 

You have given him so many chances and he has botched them all.  

Research in clinical psychology is replete with the dangers and – I would say, the uselessness – of forgiving too easily or too quickly.  The one I feel might be particularly helpful is “The doormat effect: When forgiving erodes self-respect and clarity” in the 2010 (Vol 98) Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, pp 734–749. But there are many, many other sources I can share with you, Gelli.

The issue here is not whether your husband has any romantic/sexual feelings for her. The issue is that he consistently puts his ex mistress’s needs ahead of yours.

Genesis 2: 24 says “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and cleave to his wife; … to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth,” exhorting a man to put his wife before his parents. 

I cannot imagine Genesis making an exception for an ex-mistress.  If you do not believe in the Bible, ok lang. Then go back to all the scientific journals (or laymen articles that make sense) and get your strength and insights from there. 

My own clinical experience suggest that it is only when he has proven beyond reasonable doubt that it has been two years since he last saw, spoke or received a text from her that you might consider taking him back. No sooner.

This will be easier to fulfill if you mean what you say about being a strong woman who can live without him. I also hope that being strong means more to you than simply appearing strong to all and sundry. And finally, finally, I hope your mental health and that of your son take precedence over continuing to believe your husband’s lies.    

Good luck.

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.