[Two Pronged] Nosy friends

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer: 

I am Rona, 50 years old, and single for 20 years. My boyfriend, “Phillipe” is 54, and lives in France. I belong to a “travel group,” which goes on tour every year.  

We first met 6 years ago, when we joined a pilgrimage to Lourdes, Fatima, etc. We liked each other so much that we agreed to go on tour at least once a year. These tours last 15-35 days, so we have become close through the years. 

Last year, Phillipe joined us on our tour to South America. After they met Phillipe, they keep on asking about us, “has something happened between us?” 

The problem is that now, everyone wants to know about us, asking so many questions about how we met, how long we’ve known each other, do we have kids ­– and we both do from our former spouses, etc etc.

The worst is: “Oy, may nangyari na ba sa inyo?” (Hey, has anything happened between you?) I just ignore the question. After 6 years I am surprised they still don’t know what kind of person I am – private and not liking those too intimate kinds of questions.

The questions are always impromptu, when I am not prepared, and with no warning. It is like they do it on purpose, so I have no time to think of a better answer, like they want to “shock” me so I end up telling the truth. 

Because I say nothing about “may nangyari ba sa inyo?” they immediately concluded that nothing physical happened between us, even if we share the same room. 

So then they added: “Dapat may nangyari na. Bading yan. Mag-break na kayo pag balik mo sa Pilipinas (“Something should have happened by now. He is a homosexual. Break up with him!!”).

Also, they ask these questions and make these comments in front of other people, which makes it doubly hard for me to ignore them. Maybe I am imagining things, but I feel they are disappointed because I don’t open up to them. It’s as if gusto nilang makilig, (they want to be thrilled by our romance) but I am not cooperating. 

I want shout to all of them: “Leave us alone!” Please help.

Thank you.

Rona

Dear Rona,

Thank you for your email. 

Where one draws the line between what is public and what is private differs both between cultures and from person to person. I often feel that English and Filipino attitudes to privacy are at different ends of the spectrum – we believe everything is private unless we choose to publicize it, Filipinos believe more or less the opposite. Perhaps this is accurate or perhaps my view is skewed by being married to someone particularly open, especially on Facebook – and by the following true story:

Shortly after I arrived in Manila for the first time in the late 1970s, I attended a ‘meet and greet’ lunch with my new office colleagues at which the following exchange took place: 

Q – are you married?

A – yes

Q – how many children do you have?

A – none

Q – how long have you been married?

A- 5 years

(Break for lively discussion in Tagalog)

Q – what is your problem?

Flabbergasted at the directness and intimacy of the question from someone I barely knew, I failed to reply as I could not come up with a quick answer that wasn’t extremely rude.

You, Rona, seem by temperament closer to the English view than the Filipino. You consider that the details of your relationship with Philippe are something that you have the right to share or not to share at your sole discretion. It is a private matter unless you choose otherwise. This is of course your absolute privilege but as it flies in the face of local custom you must have already been aware for years that you need to be prepared with coping mechanisms for the inevitable questions on topics where your sense of boundaries clashes with that of your family, friends and/or colleagues. 

Appropriate responses obviously vary according to the circumstances and the people involved. Just remember that your response need bear no relation to the truth whatsoever. I personally like to employ shock tactics: to the question “Has something happened?” I might reply “How can you ask that? Can’t you see I can hardly walk every morning?” or a variant thereof like “5 times a night every night”.

I can imagine this approach would not however appeal to someone “private” so perhaps the opposite tactic might be more attractive: “Of course not. We aren’t married.” This would go down particularly well with the religious-minded, especially Catholics and evangelicals, and would be ideal to use on a pilgrimage! 

When preparing possible responses, you also need to consider the motivation(s) of your tormentors. Some, probably a very small minority, may simply be interested because they want to know that you are happy with Philippe. Others may be upset that after being single for a while, during which time they were able to feel superior because they had a husband/partner, you are now happy with someone. Yet others may be jealous because you are happy while their relationship is on the rocks. And let’s not forget those who simply like to gossip.

So one solution is to have a few answers prepared when you next go out with ‘friends’ and life will be a lot easier. Alternatively and more radically, you could ask yourself whether these so-called friends are actually worth your time. People who act this way do not have your best interests at heart and you should consider dropping them.

Finally, it might be useful to spend some time analyzing why all this is bothering you so much. Is not revealing the truth really worth the endless hassle? Why? Is it some vague notion of ‘privacy’? Is there someone you are concealing the truth from? It all seems very convent school-ish yet those days, and indeed your virginity, are far behind you. Your account does not address any of this but perhaps it merits some thought. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Rona, 

Thank you very much for your letter. There are three particular responses I appreciate most in Mr Baer’s answer to you. The first is his differentiating private and public spaces in a cultural context; the second is his suggesting you have a ready supply of answers depending on the intrusiveness of the questions and your perception of the motives of the inquisitors; and the third is his suggestion that you “might (find it) useful to spend some time analyzing why all this is bothering you so much.”

It is Mr Baer’s third response – that you analyze the root cause of your reaction – that I wish to respond to. It sounds like what your travel group would like you to do is self disclose to them. 

Self-disclosure is a process by which one person reveals information about himself or herself to another – like whether you and your boyfriend have already slept together. However, this needs to be a gradual process of unfolding one’s inner self, and it requires intimacy and closeness to have been established. 

Is it possible that those who have breached the rules of engagement as far as you’re concerned are neither malicious or wanting to live through you vicariously but are merely socially inept? They do not wish to intrude but, like bulls in a china shop, they realize that they are asking more and more offensive questions but are unable to stop doing so, that they are sincere in wanting to reach out to you, but are so gauche that all you want to do is run away from them? 

Is it possible that all they really want to tell you is that we still want to matter to you and please don’t leave us even if Philippe becomes a bigger and more important part of your life. 

Think about it, Rona. You have been spending approximately a month together for the last 6 years. To many the group may be the closest thing they have to a barkada (group of close friends who meet regularly); its members the closest approximation of a friend, and to see you closer to someone else, Phillipe, may seem a betrayal of your friendship with them.

Hence, the intrusive questions – have you had sex? – the absurd hypotheses – he must be gay!; the commands they have no right to issue – break up with him!!

It is just as likely, of course, that you have no desire to be closer to them and thus no desire to self-disclose the way they wish you would.  

I have no answer…as perhaps neither do you, but if you think there is any merit in exploring this possibility further, why don’t you?

Good luck, please feel free to write us again as I have a feeling some of these hypotheses may need some time getting your head around before you can agree or disagree with any of them.  

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.