[Two Pronged] I kept quiet about my feelings for him

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentalityand Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

Hi, I would like to hear your thoughts on my current situation.

 I am 38 years old and single. I have had an ongoing friendship with John for more than 13 years now. For the past 6 years of my life I was so focused on my career and never had enough time to focus on my personal life. Though I am very much interested in John and I really do like him a lot. John is the shy and reserved kind of guy so there were times that we have misunderstandings, on why he doees not respond to my messages. When we have these misunderstandings, we bounce back and shortly also back to our old ways.

I never had the chance to tell him that he was special to me or to the point that I love him. I was very occupied with my career and there were months that I would be away because of my job.

Until 2014-2015, I was assigned to work overseas and finally decided that it was time to give up on him as well, since I really did not see any progress. Come 2016, I was back in Manila with minimal communication with John. I missed him so much, so I decided to rekindle the friendship. When I was about to do that I saw in one of his friends’ FB that he already got married. I was so devastated upon reading the news and I immediately texted and asked him about it. He confirmed that he already got married. 

That was the only time I had the chance to tell him how I really felt for him in the last few years. During our conversations, he mentioned that he felt that “I liked him more than his wife.” He also opened up about certain marital conflicts that were going on between them. Up to the point that sometimes he felt that getting married was a wrong decision. 

During this time I’ve noticed that we are closer than before. We openly shared our thoughts and problems, it seems that we are happier now than before. We have been messaging and talking during office hours and even when we are at our respective homes.

This newfound closeness is too confusing for me. Also I just like to add that his wife does not know anything about our friendship. To be honest I cannot simply let go of him and whatever we have right now makes things more complicated.

Thanks, 

Flora

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Dear Flora, 

Thank you for your email.

Yours has truly been a strange 13-year relationship. First there was the period prior to 2010 about which you have chosen for some reason to tell us nothing at all. Then there were the 6 years devoted to your career when your personal life took a back seat. Finally there is 2016 when you returned home and the relationship with John developed.

It is difficult to understand how in the first 6 or so years “I never had the chance to tell him that he was special to me or to the point that I love him.” Presumably you weren’t overseas and weren’t so concentrated on your career. How could John have become special and how could you have come to love him if there were no occasions to talk about it? Anyway, you have drawn a veil over this, and it will remain a mystery – at least to us.

So what are we to make of your story from 2010 to the present? It seems that your career meant a lot more to you than this man you supposedly ‘love’ and so another 5/6 years slipped by without telling John how you felt. Which brings us to the last 12 months or so when lo and behold you suddenly decide that this relationship, which has been incubating for 15 years, is ready to burst forth and bloom.

Unfortunately, while you have been building your career, John, blissfully unaware of your continuing interest, has met and married someone else. So what do you do? Congratulate him and move on? Oh no! Instead you start messaging and talking day and night, relentlessly pursuing your own interests, undermining his marriage, telling him how special he is to you, until he starts to think that he married the wrong woman.

And then you have the gall to pretend innocence: “this newfound closeness is too confusing for me.” Of course, “shy and reserved” John is not blameless. He could have discouraged your attentions from the very start and never allowed matters to develop as they did. 

So where do you go from here? The more obvious choices include pursuing John, walking away from the whole imbroglio or trying to remain just friends. Whatever you and John decide, there will be no guaranteed happy outcome. Ultimately it’s a matter for your conscience, whose voice has recently been decidedly muted, if not totally silent.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

  

Dear Flora:

Thank you very much for your letter, which has helped me to understand a little bit about you. And while there isn’t much I can conclude from what you wrote, I know enough to disagree when you told us that: “That – (when he confirmed he was already married) – was the only time I had the chance to tell him how I really felt for him in the last few years.”

Actually, that is far from accurate. You yourself said that: “there were times that we have misunderstandings on why he does not respond to my messages. When we have these misunderstandings, we bounce back and shortly also back to our old ways.”

Those were the times you could have told him how you felt about him, perhaps even explaining that one possible reason for your misunderstandings is that he mean a lot to you.

I feel it was not lack of time but rather, a certain lack of courage which kept you from telling John how you truly feel about him earlier.  You may have been devastated when you first heard he had gotten married, but this gave you the strength to finally tell him your feelings.

While that may seem counterintuitive to many, I am no longer surprised when this happens.

It is always painful to tell someone you love him and not have him respond in kind.

But, should he be married when you finally tell him, you have an out if he does not say “I love you” right back.  Even if he doesn’t explain, you can always comfort yourself with the face saver that, “yes, he really loves me, but he is married and thus can’t show – much less tell – me about it.”

You can tell yourself he didn’t really rebuff you personally since he would have rebuffed anyone who wasn’t his wife, whether he loved her or not.

It is a win-win situation for you, Flora. If John had cut you off at the pass, you could rationalize that it wasn’t really a rejection of you, but more a desire to keep his marriage safe.  If he, however, responds positively, as he did, then you can take it as far as you both are willing to, no matter how confused either of you are.

I will need to know a lot more about you before I can hypothesize the reasons you may have needed for his being married before you felt strong/courageous enough to speak of your love for him.  

However, I can see from your letter the possible results of your actions should you allow your relationship to go further: Heartbreak. 

Perhaps you (and even John) have convinced yourself/ves that all is fair in love and war, but it really isn’t, is it?  Not when you want others to treat you the way you have treated them. Not if you believe that, if you’ve kept silent about your love all these years, surely telling yourself to continue being so if a man is already spoken for is the better part of valor.

I am not blaming you, dearest Flora. I know how the feeling that you missed the boat UNLESS you told him how you felt can push you into action. The best thing about all this is that it is not too late. You can still decide to “just be friends” the way you used to be if you want to, no matter how far you have gone. Well…maybe not be friends exactly the way you are right now, but enough so that you can also be friends with his wife. 

Should you either of you be tempted to “recidivize” and be potential lovers once more, please tell yourselves that the grass is always greener where you water it…and watering it where fidelity, respect and generosity of heart can bloom most lushly is the best thing to do.  

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.