[Two Pronged] Can I sue my abusive girlfriend if she leaves me?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

Just call me James. My girlfriend and I have already been in our relationship for 6 years. I’ve been very understanding and accepting to my girl, though she always verbally abuses me, and emotionally blackmails me. An example of it would be when we have an argument, and I try to reason with her and defend myself against whatever accusations she throws against me – like having another woman, when really there’s no proof and she can’t even cite any evidence. And when I try to tell her that there’s something wrong with her thinking, she will always threaten to end our relationship. I love her so much, and I’m willing to understand her up to the end. But she just keeps on abusing me.

I know that there’s a problem with me as well, as I let her do it to me, and I’m afraid to lose her. But life is not just that simple. I come from a broken family, and I want to hold on to our relationship, as I can’t bear losing someone. I’m afraid to be abandoned again. As much as possible, I don’t want to end up like my parents. I will bear with all the pain as long as I can. 

I know that I cannot state all the details of the story, and that I am just saying my side. But let’s just assume that conclusively, she is verbally and emotionally abusing me. What are my options, aside from letting her go? 

I’ve read that there is a provision in our law against psychological abuse, but it is only limited to women, as cited in our VAW (Violence Against Women) law. 

Is there any provision for us men as well? Because women, realizing that they can use the VAW law to prevent us from physically hurting them, can also use it as leverage to verbally and emotionally abuse us men.

If I or she finally ends our relationship, I want her to pay for her abuse. What I mean is that I will endure whatever she’s throwing at me, but when the time comes that she leaves me, can I file a case of abuse against her? 

James

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Dear James,

Thank you for your email.

From your account it seems that you are quite aware of the perils of your situation but are unable to act. Your girlfriend (let’s call her Jane) is verbally abusive and blackmails you emotionally, to the extent of threatening to break up with you if you disagree with her, yet you still say you love her so much. You suggest that this fortitude owes much to your background – a broken home and the desire not to repeat your parents’ “mistake.” 

Of course we don’t know what led to your parents separating, much less whether they were happier people after parting, but the idea that this back history is what encourages you to hold on to a relationship – no matter how toxic, for fear of losing someone – is profoundly warped.

The desire not to get divorced (or the alternatives this society offers its citizens – separation or annulment) should hopefully be at the forefront of everybody’s mind when they contemplate marriage. But by the same token, those still at the pre-marriage stage of their lives should be making every effort to avoid temporary sub-optimal relationships becoming permanent. To interpret the failure of your parents marriage as a signal to remain with Jane at any cost is simply perverse, since either you risk the very outcome you profess to abhor or you are sentencing yourself to a lifetime of misery.

The irony, of course, is that you already recognize at least some of the dangers you face since you now want to explore the legal options available to you under the VAW and other laws for the abuse you have suffered at the hands of the woman you say you love, should she ever leave you.

So in effect, you are trapped between endless abuse on the one hand and a desire for retribution on the other. However both are characterized by your refusal to take the initiative. “I will endure whatever she’s throwing at me” but “when the time comes that she will leave me” you want to sue her. Being totally dependent on the other person is not a good basis for a relationship, much less for marriage, so I suggest that some therapy to address why you are unable to take responsibility for your own actions (or inactions in this case) would be a useful start to sorting out your situation.

All the best,

JAF Baer 

Dear James, 

Thank you very much for your letter.  I am afraid the only real help I can offer is to strongly suggest you consult a lawyer who will not only give you the information you need on the laws that she possibly could have broken which will be the grounds for your suit (if any), but also give you the benefit of his experience and expertise to advise you about the pros and cons of filing (and winning) such a case.

Even if I think a psychologist might be of more help to you than a lawyer, that is clearly my opinion and not yours. And if what you truly want to know is if you can file a case of abuse against her should she leave you, then it is obvious that your relationship is already on the rocks.

I say this because real friends give each other the benefit of the doubt, do not constantly try to figure out who is giving more to, or suffering more than whom, and have no plans of suing the other should the relationship end.

You have not done any of the above and, in fact, have done practically the opposite at each and every turn. 

My God, if even friends give each other the benefit of the doubt and have no plans of suing the other should the relationship end, what more people in love?

For example, you wrote: “[She accuses me of] having another woman, when really there’s no proof and she can’t even cite any evidence.” This doesn’t confirm you don’t have another woman; all it says is, there’s no way she can prove it.

But is that enough for someone in love? Should your girlfriend stop angsting about her worries that you have another woman simply because she has “no proof?”  It’s as if you think the cold, hard facts (and true relationships are never just cold, hard facts) matter more than the support and joy you can give each other.

And this is all I see from your entire letter. A sense of the letter of the relationship, instead of its spirit. 

If you have not read beyond the first paragraph where I admitted that that was as far as I could go about answering your direct questions, fair enough. However, should you still be reading at this point (and my excuse for continuing to write even if you aren’t still reading is that, hopefully, others may reflect on what I say) I would suggest that you leave, instead of waiting to be left. That will give you a stronger sense of efficacy which many would say is the first step in a non-abusive relationship.

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.