[Two Pronged] I’m inadvertently his ‘mistress’

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons. 

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer, 

I met this guy on a gay hookup app called Grindr. I invited him to dinner the day after we chatted. He is pale, skinny, and 6 years older than me. I know it is a hookup app but I was specifically looking for a date since it is easier to converse with strangers online, rather than in person.

The date went well. We talked about our first times, our favorites and whatnot. He said he had met over 20 guys there since 2013 while I only met 4 guys there. I assumed that he liked me, so I didn’t bother asking too many questions as this might annoy him and he might lose interest in me. 

I was able to score a second date from him, which was a first for me. He basically bagged all of my first times which sent me over the moon. We did it during our 5th date. Around the 26th of December, just out of curiosity, I asked him how long he and his last boyfriend lasted.

He said that he wanted to answer the question, but he wanted to do it in person. He added that he didn’t want to spoil my year. I got nervous. I said I could handle it. Then he directed me to this Instagram post he posted a day before his birthday. It was a greeting card with “I love you” scribbled on it. He said that the person who gave him that is still his boyfriend. They’ve been together for a year and a half and his boyfriend doesn’t know. 

I was shocked. I haven’t had any boyfriends yet, but I’m already the third party. A mistress, if you will. I can’t believe that I actually joined the bandwagon. He said he wanted to tell me before we met, but he was struck by my tweets because they were so sensitive and genuine.

I asked why he cheated on him. He explained that during their first two months, he caught his boyfriend cheating. Since then he got paranoid. He said getting even was the only solution he could think of to remedy his paranoia.

And I was stupid enough to take his bait. He wanted to remain friends with me because we have the same taste in music. Our dates were usually 90% listening to music and 4% eating, 5% sketching/writing and 1% talking. So he wanted to continue this. But should I? Should I unfriend him?

Love always,

Bong

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Dear Bong,

Thank you for your email. 

The essence of your situation seems to be that you entered into a relationship with someone who gave you every reason to believe that he was unattached, but who then turned out to be very much the opposite. It was your first real relationship and you consequently had expectations which were clearly encouraged. 

So it is interesting to learn that your friend (let’s call him Jose) was so taken by your sensitive and genuine tweets that he deliberately decided not to tell you that he was already in a relationship – and to compound matters, far from admitting that this was total selfishness on his part, not to mention a betrayal of his partner and of you, he then had the gall to try and disguise it as concern for you. 

While it is of course true that the majority of relationships fail to follow the Hallmark path of true and everlasting bliss, not all need to be built on Joe’s chosen foundations of lies and deceit. A relationship needs a basis of trust if it is to prosper and it is precisely this that Joe has spectacularly failed to provide.

You are therefore faced with choices – continue to enjoy music, eating, sketching/writing and talking with Joe in the knowledge that he is untrustworthy, unprincipled and unwilling to provide you with the complete relationship that you were looking for, or alternatively break up with Joe and look elsewhere. You could of course take a page out of his book and continue seeing him while also looking elsewhere, but then you would be descending to his level. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Bong:

Thank you very much for your email. I agree wholeheartedly with Mr Baer’s analysis of Joe’s character: untrustworthy, unprincipled and unwilling to provide you with the complete relationship that you were looking for.

Forgive me, but I will share our questions at the end of your letter and then answer them directly – something a therapist like Mr Baer would never do, but a columnist like Dr Holmes is permitted to:

1. Should I continue to “remain friends with him like he wants?” Answer:  Abso-bloody-lutely not.   

2. Should I unfriend him? Answer:  Abso-bloody-lutely-yes

The reasons for the above answers are the same:  What he wants you to be is an interloper, the other party, a person willing to hide and lie (or help him hide and lie) so Joe can see you despite having a partner who loves him. As you say yourself, “A mistress, if you will.” 

I can imagine how cutting him off clearly, cleanly and as soon as possible, might be difficult for you do. You’ve used Grindr before but for the first time you scored a second date from him. Also sex didn’t happen till the fifth date, giving you the impression it was as important and as special to him as it was to you.

And it could have been (as special). However, in my clinical experience, a man who is self-serving enough to excuse his cheating his partner 16 months after his partner cheated on him knows how to use sex as a weapon.  

His actions gave you the impression that you were a mistress, that you “joined the bandwagon” of people selfish enough to hurt somebody else(even if you don’t know Joe’s partner) just for his own pleasure.

But you are not that sort of person, Bong. If he had told you from the start that he was already committed, I doubt you would have continued conversing with him, much less having 5 dates with him.

You never agreed to cheat and hurt somebody else. You never even gave the impression you were willing to be an interloper. The only reason you seem to come across that way (but mainly to yourself) is because he lied to you.

If you feel dirty, it is because of his lies, not because of who you are.   

So yes please, unfriend him because he will never stop trying to seduce you. Should you use Grindr again and not find someone else within a year, please write Mr Baer and myself and we promise we three can do something about it. That is how strongly I feel about your goodness and sensitivity and pulling power…not to mention how much I disdain this lying cad.

Keep safe,

MG Holmes 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.