[Two Pronged] Am I gay?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

When I was 7 years old, my cousin, 14 at that time, taught me how to pleasure myself. I was aroused by the fact that we did it together and that he was teaching me how to do it. I am 20 now and have been questioning my sexuality since. I realized that I liked girls and that it was only a phase, and that I knew I was straight and in actuality, my cousin had just harassed me and robbed me of my innocence.

I have been a member of a varsity team in our university since I was 17. And as any other team in our university, we train a lot during the day then we drink at night. Last year, after a team party at a teammate’s (let’s call him Gino) place, I was forced to sleepover, as I was too drunk to drive home. Gino and I had to share a bed because all the other beds were already taken. We were close friends so it didn’t bother us.

The night went on and I discovered myself holding his thighs and rubbing my package against his butt. I even remember whispering his name. He woke up, got out of the bed and glared at me, disgusted. I was apologizing to him all night and he didn’t utter a word. He didn’t sleep ’til the sun rose. He drove me all the way to our house, as I was still drunk. It was the most awkward moment of my life. We haven’t talked since.

Does this mean that I am not straight? Does my past (aroused by my cousin) have anything to do with all of this? But I am not into men. I like girls. I have had 4 girlfriends.

What should I do? I haven’t had the courage to talk to Gino. Should I even talk to him? I haven’t told this to anyone yet. He hasn’t too, I think.

Please help me. 

James

—————–

Dear James,

Thank you for your email.

Sexual orientation can be a vexing issue, especially if one is not certain of, or resistant to, one’s leanings. You like girls, have had 4 girlfriends, yet two major events in your life have left you with questions.

In the absence of divine revelation, which most – if not all – mainstream religions rule out for masturbation, people are left either to discover this practice for themselves or are initiated by a family member or friend. It makes sense that it is usually a person of the same sex who does, since the techniques are anatomically specific 🙂 Thus, who actually initiated you, James, when you were 7 years old, should not be a significant factor in and of itself, and indeed the fact that you make no further mention of your cousin or others in this connection would seem to confirm this.

Fast-forwarding to the present and the incident with your friend Gino, I would again suggest that one single event when you were drunk should not be blown up into a crisis in which your sexual orientation is suddenly under the microscope. Imagine you were drunk and blindfolded in a room with a man and a woman and someone fondled you. You would, in all probability, react to the stimulus regardless of who the fondler was, and just because it turns out that it was the man should not necessarily mean that your orientation is in doubt.

There is, however, one caveat. You say that you were whispering his name as you rubbed against Gino. This does raise questions, but unfortunately, just mentioning his name is insufficient by itself to be indicative of very much.

Two incidents in a life of 20 years should certainly not be considered more significant than the fact that you like girls and have had 4 girlfriends, though the possibility that you are gay or bisexual cannot be completely ruled out. Either way, a full and satisfying life still lies ahead of you. 

Finally, provided you make sure that Gino understands your position, it is then up to him if he wishes to continue your friendship. If your efforts to reach out to him are rebuffed or ignored, you will have done your best.

Good luck,

JAF Baer

Dear James, 

Thank you very much for your email. There are so many issues your letter brings up that I hope it is okay if I focus on only 3 of them. 

First, you worry whether your experience with your cousin was the reason you became gay. Actually, the studies that have been done linking earlier homosexual experiences to later sexual orientation have not been conclusive.

Second, you worry about your friend Gino, who may be just as confused about his own sexual orientation as you are, and because you may have aroused feelings in him he has tried to repress, he has become angry at you. Of course, this is only one among many possibilities. In the end, what Mr Baer says in the final paragraph of his letter is true: you cannot force Gino to be friends with you once more. All you can do, perhaps, is find a way to let him know you miss being friends with him. Expect nothing more from him but that, but keep your distance until he is ready to be friends with you once more.

Finally, you also worry whether you are gay or not.  This is definitely not the time to bang on about “why you should not be upset about being gay,” because what you want are facts and not an opportunity for attitude change. 

I’m afraid I do not know the definitive answer to your question and I wonder if part of the reason is because there really is not a definitive answer for you, and for most of us. I doubt there is a definitive answer, even for myself.

Dr Alfred Kinsey, author of Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948) and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female (1953) developed a scale called the Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale, which is used in research to describe a person’s sexual orientation based on their experience or response at a given time.

Introducing the scale in 1948, Kinsey wrote: “Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories… The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. While emphasizing the continuity of the gradations between exclusively heterosexual and exclusively homosexual histories, it has seemed desirable to develop some sort of classification which could be based on the relative amounts of heterosexual and homosexual experience or response in each history… An individual may be assigned a position on this scale, for each period in his life… A 7-point scale comes nearer to showing the many gradations that actually exist.”

The results of the studies conducted by Dr Kinsey and his colleagues include the fact that “11.6% of white males aged 20 to 35 were given a rating of 3 for this period of their lives. The study also reported that 10% of American males surveyed were “more or less exclusively homosexual for at least 3 years between the ages of 16 and 55 (in the 5 to 6 range).”  

Please remember, dearest James, sexual orientation is not set in stone and whether one is exclusively homosexual, heterosexual, or in-between at one point in one’s life does not mean one will feel that same way the rest of one’s life. 

One would just hope that whatever sexual orientation one professes to have is the actual orientation one has because nothing is more painful than having to deny a part of who you are. More to the point, nothing is more joyous than loving the way you are.

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.