[Two Pronged] Experiencing pain during sex

Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes

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[Two Pronged] Experiencing pain during sex
This week's letter sender Elena asks how to be intimate with a man who is well endowed

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

I am sorry to ask you a very intimate question but I have no one else to turn to. I am having a problem with my vagina every time I have sex with someone with a big penis. I feel dry every time I have sex with someone who is endowed down there. Would you have any suggestions? 

My gay friends laugh at me and say I don’t know how lucky I am so “ipasa mo na lang sa amin” (“Just hand him over to us”). My girlfriends suggest I go out with or have sex with someone with a smaller penis, but how am I supposed to know that beforehand? 

Please help.

Elena

—————————

Dear Elena,

Thank you for your email.

You are a victim of what we choose to call civilized behavior i.e. our insistence on hiding our genitals. Earlier societies were not so skittish about nudity and so both men and women were generally able to “see the goods” in advance.

It is difficult enough already to choose potential partners – whether for marriage, relationship, one night stands – given that age, height, weight, appearance, personality, sense of humor, class, religion, race etc etc may tilt the balance for or against a candidate. However, all these can be assessed early on without much, if any, commitment. It therefore seems perverse that in the area of sex, a fundamental ingredient of most relationships, a certain degree of commitment is required before you even get a chance to find out if Mr or Ms X has what suits us.  We do not get the preview we really require until we actually reach the stage of taking our clothes off, even if we meet on the beach.

Now ideally you do not want to reduce the pool of available males unless absolutely necessary. Strategies to weed out those excessively endowed (by your standards) therefore have to be developed. These will probably be limited situationally as the parameters of acceptable behavior differ – what is acceptable when searching for a life partner is a lot different from a Tinder date.

It seems to follow that if your date is just to have sex, asking a direct question about endowment early on should not be beyond the pale. If both parties are sufficiently relaxed to have casual sex, why risk disappointment and not seek the information that will in part anyway determine if the physical will be an issue?

If asking a direct question is not an option, perhaps because you are simply too shy, then you can engineer an opportunity to get the information another way. Bars, clubs, and other such meeting places offer the chance to check out kissing techniques and the occasional well directed grope should be enough to give you some idea of what is on offer.

If the type of relationship you are aiming for does not allow for this sort of direct approach then you can instead try to alleviate your negative reaction to big penises by other methods. This may well require an approach that owes much to the world of real estate. Just as realtors will say that desirable properties depend on 3 things – location, location, location – your solution also depends on 3 things – lubrication, lubrication, lubrication! There are many lubricants available, starting with the cheapest, saliva, and progressing to more expensive options on sale at pharmacies etc.

Finally, it might be worth a visit to your gynecologist to check that a) you are in tiptop condition and b) to discuss the most appropriate lubricant for you, particularly if a professional opinion might give you additional solace.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

Illustration by Nico Villarete/Rappler

Dear Elena:

Thank you very much for your letter. I disagree with Mr Baer on two points. Perhaps it is best to get this out of the way before I focus on that I really think will be most helpful.

The first is his advice about “asking a direct question about endowment early on…”

This suggests that you would not want to have sex with him if he were (too) big and somehow I do not see you as this stringent / unforgiving / strict when it comes to a mere body part.  

The second is his advising you to “engineer an opportunity to get the information (about penis size) another way…the occasional well directed grope should be enough to give you some idea of what is on offer.”

Somehow this is as distasteful to me (and forgive me for projecting that you feel the same way) as a man who gropes a woman simply to see if her padded bra is the only reason her breasts are as big as he wants them to be. It is like checking a horse’s teeth to see how old he is… and even that I feel quite cruel, which is why I would probably be bankrupt if I were a horse trader.

In at least one other Two Pronged column, Mr Baer tells a letter writer that “the problem lies elsewhere, namely, your depersonalization of women…” so it surprises me that he should not find both his suggestions reeking of depersonalization, unless he believes that what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

However, there is one point of agreement: “visit your gynecologist,” to which I would add, unless this Two Pronged column is sufficient (charot!).

A few – though definitely not exhaustive – suggestions that might help:  

  • Lubrication – This is definitely needed, as well as discovering if there is a reason other than a big penis that causes you to get dry. The possible reasons may be psychological or biological / medical / physiological. An example of the latter is medication. There are some excellent lubricants on the market now, and I hope you find one that works for you.
  • Foreplay – According to Wikipedia, the Filipino word for foreplay is laro bago magtalik, but this is merely a literal translation of foreplay and thus still implies a box to be ticked in an instruction manual (yetch! – where’s the romance in that?). I like the word pangroromansa better.  And if you and your partner feel comfortable enough to do this to each other, that would be terrific. Part of this pangroromansa could include working your way up to penetration by inserting a finger or small vibrator to get your vagina and your mind ready for his penis.
  • Different positions – Included among the no-no’s are rear entry (doggy style), wheelbarrow (woman on her back with her legs on his shoulders as he kneels in front of her), and anything that results in deep penetration. For the yes-yes positions please read “The 20 hottest sex positions for a large penis” which has very clear instructions for each position.

Please remember, dearest Elena, that you and your partner can still enjoy tremendously pleasurable sex even if no penetration is involved. Believing the myth (that penetrative sex needs to always be part of the physical joy between lovers) sometimes causes anxiety and stress, which also leads to dryness.

However, if you and/or he still want penetrative sex (boo) sometimes, a couple of things might help:

  • Penis ring – Lots on amazon.com but sellers seem to think the only use for it is to keep an erection harder for longer. There is another use for penis rings. As Dr Kaplan taught former soldiers who brought back their Asian brides who found their Caucasian penises uncomfortable during sex, the penis ring (or some other “reminder”) can let you know just how deep you can enter since it reduces the length of his shaft and shortens the volume for intake.
  • Penis masturbation sleeve (also available on amazon.com) – Among other things, you can cut a hole in the closed end of the sleeve so it’s open on both sides. One way to use this sleeve is for you (or he—or both!!) to slip it on and then fold it in half towards the base of his penis, making sure beforehand that his penis and the sleeve are well lubricated. That way he won’t or can’t really go in too far but he still gets the feeling of being surrounded by something soft, wet, and warm. 

I hope some of these suggestions help, but if not, please, please write us again and I am sure the 3 of us can find ways to make sex between you and any guy with any sort of penis shape or size more pleasurable and something to look forward to.  

All the best, Elena, and good luck!  

MG Holmes 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response. 

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