[Two Pronged] Is it shyness?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

 

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

My problem is my shyness. I’m trying to get over it but I just can’t.

I have this friend, “Becca,” and we’ve known each other for almost 6 years now. Originally we were a group of 4 girls, but two of them stopped talking to us and are now in a relationship with each other. So Becca is the only best friend I have.

I’ve been friends with Brad online for about 4 years and he’s British. I tried going out with other men so I’d forget my affection for him. Becca is updated on Brad and my conversations. I’ve sent screenshots when Brad is a bit flirty with me and asked her what I should say.

I thought things weren’t going well between me and Brad so I decided to move on. I wrote what I felt about Brad and sent it to him. “I like you… Reject me so I’ll have closure, so I can move on,” I said. He didn’t reject me, to my surprise. Things actually went well and we started calling each other sweet nicknames. I’m not sure when he asked me to be his girlfriend.

That’s when things got cold between me and Becca. She started ignoring me on Facebook, which is our means of communication. She was so cold to me when I messaged her, telling her that I miss her. That’s when I knew that I lost her. I lost a friend again.

Just recently, I asked her what was wrong and why she got mad. She gave me the vaguest answer I’ve ever received: “Dapat alam mo ‘yun.” (You should know why.)

I really didn’t know why that time. I asked repeatedly, and she replied, “Dapat gamitin mo ‘yung pinag-aralan mo.” (You should use what you learned in school.) I am a Psychology graduate. I was so hurt by that.

She didn’t believe in me fully when I took that course. “Wala kang mararating kasi ‘di naman maganda ang university mo,” she told me. (You’ll end up nowhere because you’re not studying in a good university.) I brushed that aside. I loved my friend too much to push her away just because of that.

So after she said that heartbreaking sentence, I still asked her to explain so I could understand what was wrong and apologize or try to change.

“Siguro sa ‘yo hindi mali.” (Maybe to you what you did was not wrong.)

I replied: “Why am I not telling the truth? I’m too shy to tell you. I feel like it’s insignificant and it’s not the right time to tell you that I’m happy when you’re crying at night and unable to sleep. I didn’t want to be selfish.”

But to her it wasn’t like that. She wanted to know why she had to learn from someone else that I was already in a relationship. To her it was a big deal. “Kung nahihiya ka, bakit ‘pag ibang bagay kaya mong sabihin?” (If you’re really shy, why can you open up to me about other things?)

Becca said I can talk about stupid things and share my dark secrets with her. But I just can’t.

This has happened before, with “Matt.” She always asked me, “Kayo na ba?” (Are the two of you a couple already?) I always denied that. I was too shy to tell her. I felt she would judge me. I know what she thinks about Filipinas who go out with foreign men. I was so scared that I would disappoint her, so I denied it.

I’m having a hard time telling her that I am in a relationship. After that, she blocked me on Messenger but not on Facebook. I tried to be a good friend, but she left me because of that one thing I was cautious of. It’s so stupid.

Please tell me what to do.   

Sincerely,

Rita

————–

Dear Rita, 

Thank you for your email.

It appears that you have a number of issues which for you all boil down to: how does a shy person manage their shyness? In your mind your shyness is the critical factor that governs many of your responses to external events, something that has to be acknowledged whenever a serious issue arises. Thus you attribute problems, such as revealing to Becca the extent of your relationship with Matt and Brad, to shyness and having again put shyness center stage the cycle continues.

Yet is it truly shyness that has complicated your friendship with Becca? The two issues with Becca stemmed from the relationships you formed with first Matt, then Brad. It seems Becca became jealous that you formed attachments to others and in order to remain friends with her, you felt you had to hide your feelings for Matt and Brad from her.

This is not shyness, just an attempt to maintain the status quo with Becca. You wanted to keep your longstanding friend and knowing her well this was the only way. However she reacted typically and badly when she realized what was going on and no amount of effort on your part had any effect. 

Since Becca does not seem open to change, you need to ask yourself whether your friendship with her, which will only flourish if you forsake other relationships, is worth the price. Unlike Becca, most people are able to sustain historical friendships (dating back to school, for example) alongside romantic relationships. They do not cut off all their old friends automatically when they get married. So if Becca insists on exclusivity, it seems a price too high to pay.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Rita:

Thank you very much for your letter.

There have been many things written about shyness, but among the easiest to understand (despite not being pop psychology) are articles by and about Professor Carducci, director of the Indiana University Southeast Shyness Research Institute and author of Born Shy and The Shyness Workbook: 30 Days to Dealing Effectively With Shyness. But what I found most helpful were the following:

• Are We Born Shy?
• Speaking of Psychology: Born bashful? Learning how to manage shyness

According to Dr Carducci, “shyness is characterized by 3 major features: excessive self-consciousness, excessive negative self-evaluation, and excessive negative self-preoccupation…”

Thus, I agree with Mr Baer that what kept you from telling Becca that you were Matt’s and then later, Brad’s girlfriend, is not shyness. On the other hand, I disagree when he says the reason you did not tell Becca this is that “you wanted to keep your longstanding friend and knowing her well this was the only way.”

However I can understand why Mr Baer would conclude that telling Becca you were in a relationship would break your friendship since you hinted as much in your letter: “I was so scared that I would disappoint her, so I denied it” and “I’m having a hard time telling her that I am in a relationship.”

This makes Becca seem unreasonably possessive, selfish, and even quite jealous. While she may exhibit some of these attributes sometimes, I am also sure she has her saving graces or you would not feel about Becca the way you do:

1. When you were once a group of 4 girls and then became two pairs of two girls each, it was Becca with whom you stayed friends; and
2. You still want to remain friends with Becca, despite the hurtful things she said to you.

You asked us to tell you what (we think) you should do and I shall do so, okay? This would not have been good therapy but happily, this is merely an attempt to respond to your request, not therapy.

Becca has said many hurtful things to you, especially about the university where you are currently studying, and if you want to become friends once more, I think you should let her know these things. 

It would be nice if she apologized for hurting you and, perhaps, explained why she did what she did.  

I think you should do the same thing, Rita. Becca has clearly told you why she is angry – why she had to learn from someone else that you and Brad were already a couple, and “Kung nahihiya ka, bakit ‘pag ibang bagay kaya mong sabihin?” (If you’re really shy, why can you open up to me about other things?)

I think Becca feels you played her for a fool and betrayed her by denying you were together first with Matt, and then with Brad.To be friends again, you have to be honest.  And listen to her, when she calls you on your bullsh*t.  If you really don’t want to tell her about your love life, then tell her that. Don’t blame it on being shy. The result may still be the same – you remain non-friends.

But at least, this time you will have told the truth and not given her an excuse she could so easily see through.  

Good luck,

MG Holmes

 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.