[Two Pronged] Penis size angst

Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes

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[Two Pronged] Penis size angst
Al asks our Two Pronged columnists if size still matters

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

 

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

I am a lawyer and as such, well-educated, well-read, and sophisticated in the ways of the world, including women.

Thus, at 32, I should know that penis size is not really a big deal (pardon the pun) – at least according to the women I date.

But if that is true, why do all women say this to me once they see my penis? I can’t help feeling they are trying to reassure me, when I don’t need reassurance.  At least, not at the beginning… until my best friend told me that his definition of slutty is any woman who exclaims how big he is when they first see him. And the really slutty ones would go on to exclaim how frightened they are about being choked by it. How would they know he was big, he wondered, unless they had seen many penises beforehand? And if they knew they’d be choked, they must have sucked enough to know what size chokers and non-chokers are.

Following his reasoning, would my definition of slutty be women who try to console me about the size of my penis? But that would mean all the women I have slept with are sluts!

I have even had women tell me, “It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean,” and “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog,” and while I believe that may well be true, I still would like a bigger boat and a bigger dog!!

 Any advice?

Al

——————

Dear Al,

Thank you for your email.

I regret to say that I must first take issue with you over a couple of your assumptions. You seem to believe that lawyers, merely by virtue of being lawyers, are “well-educated, well-read, and sophisticated in the ways of the world, including women.” Alas, while definitely true of some practitioners of those dark arts, surely even a casual look at media reports of the utterances of some lawyers will indicate just how far this can be from a universal truth.

As for your own self-depiction as sophisticated, can this really be the case of a man whose self-assurance over his penis size was shattered by his best friend’s woeful definition of a slutty woman as one who tells her partner how big he is? Lawyers are supposed to be logical and critical thinkers yet by your own admission you bought into this rubbish.

Moving on to the crux of your problem, you are neither the first nor the last to want a “bigger boat and a bigger dog.” However, like many others you seem fixated on yourself and totally oblivious to the fact that size is only an issue when your penis comes into contact with a woman’s vagina (I only refer to heterosexual vaginal intercourse since that seems to be what you are concerned about). Because the vagina also comes in differing sizes. If we concede that intercourse involves two separate moving parts that have to fit together, it is illogical to consider the size of only one and completely disregard the other.

I call this the envelope theory. Imagine a sheet of A4 paper and 3 envelopes – A3, A4, and A5. The sheet fits perfectly into the A4 envelope, is dwarfed by the A3 envelope, and is too big for the A5 one. The same holds true for the penis. It is only too small, just right, or too big in relation to specific vaginas – and of course it is equally valid to claim that a specific vagina is also too big, just right, or too small for a specific penis.

Now, I acknowledge that the question of compatibility is easier to determine when it comes to paper and envelopes than in the case of penises and vaginas, but think of the joyous journey of discovery that you embark upon to find the ideal fit.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Al:

Thank you for your letter. I also thank Mr Baer for his answer which, to my mind, provides a deeper perspective to what you are truly worried about.  It thus gives you the opportunity to really learn more about yourself and others.

This gives me the freedom to directly answer your very direct question and here goes:

In the past, I would have unequivocally said “No.”  Applying lotions, taking pills, praying to whoever you consider the God of Size does not work. Neither does “jelqing,” though many men swear by it.

If you google jelqing, you will get countless links giving step by step instructions to perform these stretching exercises which supposedly improve the hardness and size of the penis. The link I like best is “How to Do Jelqing Step by Step for Beginners.” 

Not only does this link give very easy steps to follow, it also has the honesty to admit that “there is the lack of empirical studies and scientific evidence…to show that jelqing is effective.” It adds that there is anecdotal evidence to “prove” jelqing works, but anyone who knows even a smidgeon about the scientific method knows that anecdotal reports can never be considered evidence.

Some men swear by vacuum devices, although these really don’t increase penis size. These devices merely ensure that as much blood as possible engorges the penis, thus helping men who have problems with their circulatory system. This is why vacuum devices are used primarily for erectile dysfunctions.

The only thing that seems to really work is penile enlargement surgery.

Yes, it is possible to have an operation to increase the length or girth of your penis, but these operations can be unsuccessful for many reasons.  Any surgery is complicated, and penile surgery is no exception.

Actually, surgery to increase length merely allows the penis to hang lower, which can make it look longer. It does not actually make the penis longer.

Surgery to increase its circumference usually involves injecting fat taken from elsewhere in the body into the penis. However, there are at least two cons to the one pro of a fatter penis. First, such an operation may make a penis look misshapen and scarred. Also, the injected fat can disappear over time.

Of course, there are also penile transplants.

Before Thomas Manning’s successful transplant in 2015, it had been attempted only twice worldwide – and only once successfully, in South Africa. For the foreseeable future, penis transplants will be attempted mainly for combat-related injuries. But it is in its early days, and Mr Manning’s reason was penile cancer.

At the moment, however, it seems a rather extreme measure merely to add an inch or two to one’s girth or length.

So there you have it, Al.

Frankly, I agree with philosopher and social critic Mokokoma Mokhonoana, author of The Confessions of a Misfit, who once said, “A man’s bank balance is the new penis size.” It also seems something a lawyer like you would be happy to embrace and convince other people to also believe in.

Best of luck,

MG Holmes

 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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