[Two Pronged] Threesome fantasy

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

 

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

You can call me Marcus. I’m married and have 3 daughters. I have a problem. This happened about one year ago. I had this dream about my wife having sex with another man.  

We talked about it and she agreed [to have a threesome] but it is always being postponed. But whenever I think about it, it makes me so horny.  Is it okay if we do this fantasy of mine?

Marcus

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Dear Marcus,

Thank you for your email.

Fantasies play a part in most people’s lives. Who has not dreamt of telling their boss what they really think of him or her? Who has not imagined successfully confronting the classroom/neighborhood bully? Who has not sung along in the shower and imagined winning a televised singing contest? The list of possibilities is endless.

The problem with fantasies is that if you act them out, you may become subject to the law of unintended consequences. Telling your boss what you really think of him or her could leave you without a job. Standing up to a bully could leave you in hospital, or even dead. In neither case would your family be ecstatic with the outcome. As for singing on TV, are you really prepared for the truth?

So just consider your fantasy. Firstly, although your wife is apparently willing, she also seems reluctant, at least if the postponements are her doing. Secondly, while you may think that a threesome may be the limit of your fantasy, what if it merely whets your appetite for even more adventurous activities, like swinging or dogging or orgies?

You need to consider what possible effect on your marriage making your fantasy a reality might have. There are plenty of cases, for example, where a wife decides, having sampled the joys of another partner, that her long-term future is with the new partner, not her husband.

Perhaps it would be wiser to keep your fantasy unrealized, unless of course you are not worried about preserving your marriage.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Marcus:

Thank you very much for your letter.  You ask a very fair and straightforward question and I shall try and answer you as fairly and as straightforwardly as I can.  This means I shall not spend much time reassuring you that being part of a threesome is a common fantasy and that “there is nothing wrong with it.” Indeed, that is true when speaking in general terms.

However, in more specific terms, as in “Is it okay if we do this fantasy of mine?“ my response would not be a carte blanche “definitely okay.“

My answer would be, alas, what many people accuse us of – a neither here-nor-there-sitting-on-the-fence answer like “it depends.“  

“It depends” because when talking about real lives, like yours and your wife’s – it is not enough to give all-encompassing, one-size-fits-all answers, but to call it as one sees fit.

Based on the admittedly very little you have shared with us, my answer to your question would be, yes, it would be okay to try out your fantasy but if and only if you are willing to risk the possibility of unintended consequences.

While I loathe to sound like an old fogey, I also loathe giving politically correct answers as in “Go ahead, you have merely been brainwashed to believe threesomes are unacceptable” even more.   

So…allow me to rephrase your question a little: “Is it okay to insist on having a threesome since my wife agreed but it is always being postponed?”

My answer would be: “Before you do, it would be a good idea to explore the reasons for this constant postponement. Is there a possibility that this is your wife’s way of seeming to agree but not actually having to go through with it?”

In other words, I highly recommend you do not go ahead simply because she agreed, but try and find out more about what she truly feels. Find out if she agreed simply to keep you from nagging her constantly about it. Find out if she truly wants to try threesomes or is saying yes simply to please you.

As psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Dr Gail Saltz once said: “I have seen some serious fallout from threesomes gone badly. It can be hard to predict the intensity of jealousy and hurt when it comes to sexual experience and bringing another person in.”

So have we, Marcus, so have we. One such serious fallout you can read about is this previous Two Pronged column – “Threesome gone wrong.”   

Saltz also advises: “It needs to be thoroughly talked through with openness to [discuss] concerns, fears; [couples should be willing] to listen to each other, and retreat if one needs to.”

While I wholeheartedly agree with Dr Saltz on this second point, I want to remind you that rules, no matter how sincerely and earnestly formulated, can be completely forgotten once reality and sex kick in, even with the best intentions. As Mr Baer once said: “Love is not something you can control like an electric light switch, and applying a rule to it does nothing to alter that reality.”

Some people may agree to rules like, “This will just be about sex, okay? Not love,” and yet find it is much easier said than done.

They are usually the same people who end up agreeing to do threesomes with their partner and yet find a way to postpone its ever happening. They are usually (but not always) people who find it difficult to separate love from sex and thus feel their husbands love them less because said husbands are willing to share them with other men.

It is very possible that your wife might feel this way too, Marcus – feel that, since you do not mind her having sex with another man, it probably means you do not cherish her the way a man in love with his wife would and “should.”

If you really love her and at the same time really want to try out this fantasy, it is imperative you discuss this with her (notwithstanding the caveat that talking about things does not mean actually learning how to deal with them.)

Try to grasp what she really feels. Otherwise, she may feel, as many, many women do, that your willingness to share her with another man speaks not only of your possibly delightful sense of sexual adventure but, alas, also of your lack of jealousy.

While jealousy has been given a bad rap (mostly deservedly), there is one kind of jealousy called mate-guarding which is, I would estimate, 99.99% present in any loving relationship. I would even go so far as to predict that, if mate-guarding is lacking in a relationship, there is a high probability that that relationship won’t last. This is based on clinical experience.

It is also based on others’ clinical experience and on methodologically sound studies. The best book to read about this is The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy is as Necessary as Love and Sex by David Buss, PhD. It is not that current (2000) but is so well researched and so logically and elegantly explained that I can recommend nothing better if you are truly interested in the subject.

Two shorter but – ahem – also convincingly and rather eloquently presented reads are:

• “Threesome gone wrong”
• “On jealousy and ‘defending one’s territory'”

So there you have it, dearest Marcus. It is great that you have a fantasy that gets you so horny. It is also very okay to think about trying it out with your wife. If she agrees, sapul (right on the nose)! Go for it!

However, for the reasons stated above, it is just as sapul–ish to decide to enjoy it on just the fantasy level – either forever or for right now.

All the best,

MG Holmes

 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.