[Two Pronged] My uncaring secret fiancé

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

 

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I have just recently become engaged to Ben, my Filipino boyfriend living in Australia. We have been in this relationship for 6 years, 4 of those long-distance. We always talk through Skype.

He is a good professional and a loving son to his mother. But our engagement is a secret to his family because we don’t want to be overwhelmed, as his sister will get married next year. We will soon announce it.

The problem – my emotions and illogical wants.

When we were younger, I used to be so happy about him posting about us on Facebook. Then things changed when we had a very huge fight over my friend whom he had been seeing secretly.

He has been using Instagram for 5 years without any picture of me in it. He now posts very seldom about us on Facebook. I feel so sad. I feel like he is open to possible partners online. I keep on telling him what I feel but he doesn’t do anything.

He just keeps on saying that we are already adults and his family knows about me, we always have a video call each day on Skype, and we’re engaged, so that should be enough. He says he doesn’t cheat. (Basically, I don’t know because we don’t share any passwords, I try to trust, and I try not to investigate further because I don’t want to be hurt anymore.) Am I really being illogical? What should I do? Is he right for not posting anything about us and I am just being immature for being upset? 

I would really appreciate any response. Thank you.

Sincerely, 

Ann

———

Dear Ann,

Thank you for your email.

In any relationship there will be an element of give and take, a series of compromises, as the two parties adapt to each other and accommodate each other. Whether this revolves around food (different people like different dishes or cuisines) or entertainment (horror movies versus romcom) or more weighty matters such as how many children to have or what schools to send them to, a relationship is a constant balancing of two people’s often very different likes, beliefs, opinions, and, indeed, prejudices.

A successful relationship manages to balance all this to the satisfaction of both parties.

In previous times, this often meant for example that the man went out to work and the woman managed the household. Nowadays we live in a much more diverse society where the old stereotypes coexist with other alternatives (two-income families, same-sex households, long-distance relationships, OFW families etc). But whatever the type of relationship, the need for a balance that makes both sides happy remains.

In your case, Ann, the balance is off kilter. You are decidedly unhappy with life. You have clearly articulated your concern which is fidelity. You know of one instance, suspect others, and in your view Ben’s online behavior does nothing to discourage your suspicions.

For his part, he merely trots out 4 irrelevant facts: “We are already adults and his family knows about me, we always have a video call each day on Skype, and we’re engaged.”

So in reality the two of you are not having a dialogue but two separate monologues. You have communicated your areas of concern while he has 1) failed to address them and 2) failed to mollify you.

What can we ineluctably conclude from this? That Ben is being unfaithful? No, because there is no more evidence than there was before.

Instead, we can see a total failure by Ben to consider his partner’s point of view and emotional well-being. Being in love is supposed to include kindness, mutual trust, consideration, compassion, and a willingness to listen and respond to one’s partner’s concerns. Ben however has decided that the best way to deal with you is to fob you off with irrelevant references to uncontroversial parts of your relationship.

His unwillingness to address your concerns about the relationship bodes ill for the future. If he is like this now, while still in the courtship stage, what does that presage for the future?

I think you are being neither illogical nor immature. You have seen his behavior for what it is and now is the time to say goodbye to Ben, not for his online antics but for his total disregard for you as a person and as his partner.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Ann:

Thank you very much for your letter.  I agree wholeheartedly with all Mr Baer has said above and have reached the same conclusion as he: “Now is the time to say goodbye to Ben, NOT (only) for his online antics but for his total disregard for you as a person and as his partner.” (capitalization of “not” and addition of parenthetical expression (only) admittedly mine—MGH)

What Ben has been trying to do is gaslight you.   

A quick google search will show many sources that define gaslighting, but the one I find most comprehensive is the lazy students’ best friend Wikipedia: 

“Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual … hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target’s belief.

“Instances may range from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim.”

The term gaslight owes its prominence to the 1938 play Gas Light and its 1944 film adaptation, starring George Cukor (as the manipulative gaslight-er) and Ingrid Bergman (as the gas light-ee and eventual victim).  

But it is not only in movies where this occurs. There are many clinical populations that have been victimized by this. Please take a look at http://psycnet.apa.org/record/1995-25157-001, among others.  But the most comprehensive account (at least in my mind) is Florence Rush’s 1980 book The Best Kept Secret: The Sexual Abuse of Children (Prentice Hall).  

I cannot help feeling that the research done for this book informed her presentation at the New York Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children New York Radical Feminists (NYRF) Rape Conference where she concluded that “sexual abuse of children…is an unspoken but prominent factor in socializing and preparing the female to accept a subordinate role: to feel guilty, ashamed, and to tolerate through fear, the power exercised over her by men.” (Much like you are, Ann, but not to an extreme degree.)

The reason I am banging on about Ms Rush’s work is because during the 1970’s and 1980’s and earlier – especially in the 1950s and 1960s – therapists were instructed to avoid discussing incest with their young patients because of prevailing Freudian theories.  That courageous Ms Rush was the first to challenge Freudian theories of children as the seducers of adults rather than the victims of adults’ sexual/power exploitation was a truly big deal. This in effect blaming sexual abuse of kids on them is one of the most egregious examples of gaslighting.

But what is happening to you is almost as bad, Ann.  In an excellent Guardian article by Jay Watts, “The Archers domestic abuse is classic ‘gaslighting’ – very real, little understood,” there are two comments that stand out because they are relevant to your particular case:

waitingtopounce says: “One of the scary things about it (gaslighting) is that you lose so much confidence in your own version of events. When that goes on long enough you become sufficiently disturbed that the gaslighting turns into reality and you are so disorientated you can see the emotional confusion, the inability to make decisions, and irrational reactions which surface under this sort of sustained stress. So you actually prove your abuser correct and fall into a horrible state of being unable to trust yourself.”

Noro Virus adds: “Well it makes it hard for the victims to explain and get support for because it’s not tangible or visible to others. It’s not like a bruise or broken nose and many people still believe if you’re not hurt physically you’re not in danger and you’re just being ‘too sensitive’. Gaslighting can be as damaging as physical abuse? More damaging, I’d say. Harder to identify. Harder to prove. Harder to convince the victim to leave.”

Let us now go to your case:

1. His family may know about you, but they don’t know about the extent of your relationship.

2. He may Skype with you everyday, but goodness, how long do your conversations take? Twenty-four hours minus the duration of your conversation is the time he has left to fool around.

3. You are both “already adults”? Then for god’s sake, ask him why he doesn’t treat you like one instead of stonewalling you every time you ask him something serious?

On the one hand, your statement “The problem – my emotions and illogical wants” hints that his gaslighting may have been successful because you have already accepted that your wants are emotional and illogical.

On the other hand, however, I am still basically optimistic because part of you has not bought into his attempts and you still have the independence of mind to ask: “Am I really being illogical?” and “Is he right for not posting anything about us and I am just being immature for being upset?” 

In fairness to your fiancé, I doubt he is as terrible as the character George Cukor played – a sociopathic narcissist after her jewels –  and you still have a chance to not be victimized the way Ingrid Bergman was, even if you have jewels of your own, such as your commitment to him despite his unequal commitment to you, and your trying to believe his ridiculous attempts at “proving” his commitment because he Skypes with you every day and is engaged to you.

He may, in fact, just be an ordinary (but spoiled and selfish) man who wants a relationship with you and his complete freedom and yet expects commitment from you, without feeling bound to the same restrictions, but that doesn’t make his behavior acceptable…nor your leaving him any less compelling and necessary for your mental health.

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.