[Two Pronged] Is she really his ex if they’re still living together?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

I fell in love with my work colleague a month after he started courting me in the office. At first, it was exciting – we could not let anybody know we were seeing each other. According to him, these things are frowned upon in our office and he should know because he’s been working there 3 years more than me.

He is also in love with me, but the problem is his ex-girlfriend. He is still living with her because, according to him, they bought a house together and he doesn’t have any other place to live. It has two bedrooms, so he now sleeps in the smaller bedroom. They used to sleep together in the bigger bedroom. He says he will “break up” with her when the time is right. He says I can count on him because he is not married to her, he is only her ex-boyfriend.

I found out that everyone else in the office thinks they are still a couple. When I asked him why, he said that is how it is supposed to be, until he breaks up with her. Please help me. I am so confused.

Raquel

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Dear Raquel,

Thank you for your email.

It is unfortunate that you give us no idea of how long your relationship with your office mate (let’s call him Jim) has been going on since time is clearly an important factor.

It seems at first sight that Jim is in a very comfortable position. He has a red-hot relationship with you, on his terms and with secrecy to add extra spice, and a settled relationship back home in the house he jointly owns with his girlfriend.

You however are in a very different place. You have been asked to hide the relationship ostensibly because the office would not approve, you have been told his girlfriend is actually now his ex and you are being asked to wait an indeterminate amount of time until he sorts out his housing problems and can disengage from his ex definitively.

It is very tempting to believe everything a new lover tells you but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that there is a distinct possibility that Jim is not being entirely honest with you.

So it is important for you to decide, on the balance of the evidence available to you, whether you believe Jim when he says that he still is living with his ex solely because of their joint ownership of the house. Of course, if he has shown you a copy of the title and demonstrated that brokers are actively showing the house to prospective buyers, then perhaps there is some truth to his story though there is no way of proving the negative – that his ex is truly ex and he isn’t sleeping with her.

Only you can know whether the preponderance of evidence suggests Jim is telling the truth or lying. However, even if you are inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt, don’t forego any opportunity to get corroboration of his story to make sure that this relationship will have a happy outcome.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Raquel: 

Thank you very much for your letter.  There are just a few things I’d like to add, or maybe explain in a slightly different way from how Mr Baer has, because I feel he has written about what truly matters regarding the position you’re in.

For example, you have taken everything Jim has told you at face value. Of course, this is usually what people who love each other do, but in this case, I think it might help you to be more like Marcellus (in Hamlet, Act 1, Scene 4) when he realizes that: “Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.”

I think there might be something rotten in your and Jim’s relationship, dearest Raquel.  That, in itself, is nothing to be ashamed of or even to be worried about, especially if you now take steps to make sure the rottenness is rooted out. These things happen. If relationships were always perfect, we wouldn’t need to keep working on them, right? We would just bask in the pleasure of their perfection, and boyoboyoboy, I’d sure like to meet people who do this 24/7.

What are the especially rotten things about your relationship?  Well, possibly-judgmental me thinks these include:

1. Your equating frowned upon (as in his statement that relationships “are frowned upon in our office”) with being forbidden. Frowned upon is not the same as forbidden. I hypothesize that your love for him is strong, otherwise you would not accept everything he says in toto. I cannot help feeling that, if his love for you were just as strong, he would be willing to let the office know you were in love with each other and take pains to prove that this would not affect either his or your work. Just because something is as it is, doesn’t mean you cannot work on things to make it better;

2. Jim claims he is “only her ex-boyfriend,” that he is still living with her (only) because he doesn’t have any other place to live, but hells bells, hasn’t he heard of rooms he can rent in other houses? After all, it would only be a temporary solution until the house is sold, right?

3. While Jim is 100% correct that “he is not married to her,” he expects you to behave as a mistress, keeping your relationship secret from one and all. He has also given the often quoted married-man line, that he will break up with her when the time is “right.” The problem is, with married men (or with men like Jim who behaves like one), the time is hardly ever right.  

4. Dearest Raquel, Jim has led you to believe that “the problem is his ex-girlfriend.” The problem is your believing everything he says, even if his actions do not support his claims.

5. You seem to fear his reaction if you ask him to give you some objective indices you can both agree on which will mean the time is “right,” or if you ask him why your office mates have to believe they are still together when they (purportedly) are not. That, too, is a problem.

6. Is he really worth it, Raquel?  Again judgmental-me thinks he isn’t.  But of course, you are the one who needs to be responsible to navigate life as you see fit. Just make sure he doesn’t end up doing it for you with his convenient rationalizations.   

All the best and good luck!

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.