[Two Pronged] My co-workers keep making comments about my weight

 

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I am a FilAm (Filipino-American), who resides in California but is on a 6-month internship here. 

I love my internship except for one thing: Why do people think it is ok to comment on people’s weight here? Comment not once or twice but CONSTANTLY. Comment not only in private, but no matter who else is around. 

Am I super insensitive when I react negatively to all these comments? I tried to broach this subject with the person closest to me and she said: “Lighten up! This is the way we do things in the Philippines.” I think it is fat shaming and I am getting tired of it! 

I know they can refrain from saying anything because that is the way they were the first 4-6 weeks I started working for them. But now, it is as if someone gave them permission to be rude and say anything that comes into their minds. Sometimes they even joke about it and I am angry that they do not seem to realize that I do not enjoy being the butt of all their jokes. 

First they asked me how much I weighed, which already I found strange, But I convinced myself this was acceptable because we are from different cultures. But some of them went further and told me I needed to lose weight, I was shocked! We would never have the bad manners to say such things in America. 

I told them I appreciated their concern but need not worry because I felt ok the way I was. Then they started on how unhealthy it was to be as “chubby” as I was. Any advice would be helpful because I am reaching the limit of my patience, but with 4 months left here, I do not want to end on a bad note.

Thank you,

Anna

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Dear Anna,

Thank you for your email.

Geography, class, poverty, and culture are just some of the factors that affect how people view, and comment on, weight. So while putting on weight is much sought after in some places, for example where food is in short supply or expensive and therefore weight can indicate wealth, losing weight is fashionable elsewhere, particularly in richer countries.

At an individual level comments on weight can be prompted by positive feelings such as genuine concern for someone’s health but also by negative ones such as envy, malice, fear of competition etc. and are a frequent feature of family, school and workplace environments.

You, however, suggest that the comments come from several people so you perhaps need to consider whether this is some sort of corporate hazing to which the most junior ranks are exposed or alternatively there is a sentiment that you as a foreigner have obtained your job unfairly in some way. Another thing to take into account is the Filipino attitude to privacy; subjects which other nationalities consider off limits are often open for general discussion. 

In an ideal world, there would be anti-discriminatory laws which would protect people from this kind of behavior but as we see daily, even in countries where such laws exist, enforcement is at best uneven so generally it is up to the individual to find coping mechanisms.

Your internship only lasts 6 months and so this problem is of limited duration. That is not much of a comfort however in the meantime. Some people choose to parry these attacks saying, for example, “I am so glad you are concerned. Perhaps you can give me some tips to address what you see as a problem” or “I am betting some friends back home that I will return weighing x lbs so please don’t distract me from winning big time” or if you are feeling feisty “The Filipinos I knew in California growing up always stressed the warmth of Filipino hospitality. Is this your version?”

One thing though is certain; do not respond in a way that will show that they are getting to you or they will simply increase their attacks.

On a more academic level much has been written about coping and a useful place to start might be this guide.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

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Dear Anna,

Thank you very much for your letter.

Mr. Baer has shared his views about cross cultural differences and I agree with all of them so I will side step this issue because in this case, I firmly believe there are more differences within cultures than between. In addition, when it comes to family, friends, and lovers, it’s more a case of “culture, schmulture.”

No matter where you’re from or where you grew up, we all want and need the same things: Love, respect, recognition, and a sense of belonging — all of which you are not getting from the place where you’re interning (and I am so, so sorry for that). 

It is therefore a good idea to remind yourself of your final statement: “with 4 months left here, I do not want to end on a bad note.” This is a wonderful goal, as long as you add: “and I will not do so unless they leave me no other choice.” This added phrase will give you the necessary perspective to view this fairly objectively. 

There is no doubt you will still feel strongly about the matter — no one, after all, likes to be attacked — but at least you will be in control of your behavior, and able to choose, at some level, how you want your internship (itss middle and end) to be.

You wrote, and I quote, “I tried to broach this subject with the person closest to me and she said: ‘Lighten up! This is the way we do things in the Philippines’. I think it is fat shaming and I am getting tired of it!”

Yes, it IS fat shaming (even if you may be nowhere near fat)

Next time she or anyone else says anything about your weight and your need to lighten up, I think you need to speak up.

The person “closest” to you is a biotch and you need to get as far away from her as possible. Her saying lighten up is one of the nastiest and least supportive statements anyone could say to someone in your situation.

The phrase lighten up is like the phrase “move on.” Only the ones who can say nothing else say these words. Even worse, when people say this, it is clear that lightening up (or moving on) is precisely what you should NOT do. Underneath such exhortations is the very uncomfortable realization (of the exhorters) that if people did NOT lighten up or move on, what is revealed will be terrible for the same exhorters.

Dr Ylagan of UP School of Economics wrote a brilliant column on Imee’s infamous “Move on” words. where she says:

“SYNTAX and grammar insinuate that “move on” is a verb in the imperative mood (a command), which is why there is a frightening ocean of meaning that separates the speaker from the spoken-to, by the very utterance of this. “Move on” is best just a resolution to be whispered to oneself as one would acknowledge one’s own wrong choices or actions, and plan what to do next. But it is an arrogant breach of personal boundaries when someone else tells another to “Move on,” especially if that other has been the victim of that someone who has caused pain and loss. It is the brutal last kick in the dust. It reeks too much of the despotic commands of oppressive martial law…’How can those who were unjustly detained, tortured and murdered move on when there is (no) remorse… any act of atonement…acceptance and recognition of wrongdoing on their part’? Sen. Francisco “Kiko” Pangilinan…asked.” 

Of course, the confusion/pain you are undergoing at the hands of your current colleagues are not in any way close to the suffering and degradation the Marcos family wreaked upon us Filipinos but, think about it: your colleague is as clueless, cruel and/or disingeneous as Imee when she asks you to accept your co workers’ taunts as mere jokes.

No one tells someone to “lighten up” about something unless something else is going on.

Usually, that something else is an over the top insult relentlessly and passive aggressively disguised as a joke and/or concern for one’s mental (or, in your case, physical) health. Like the phrase “move on,” “lighten up” is only used by people who have much to gain from your doing what they ask you to.

What they are really saying is:

“Yes, my father killed your grandfather during Martial Law, but for God’s sake, that happened years ago. Come May 2019, vote for me so my family can do the same to yours once more [and if you could just ‘move on’, I am sure you could vote for me the way I want you to.] Yes, I demeaned you and made you a butt of our jokes but lighten up, would you? You are spoiling the mood of the party. “

So, I say to you, don’t lighten up, Anna. Don’t feel you have to accept – or pretend you don’t understand – whatever they say either.  

While some can say the most lethal things with a light touch, alas, I am not one of them. Thus, all I can suggest is that you speak up sooner rather than later. Don’t make excuses. Be direct.

That way, they cannot excuse themselves by saying they did not understand what you were trying to tell them. Perhaps you might say something like: “You have been talking about my weight for weeks. Have you anything new to add or will you continue sounding like a broken record?”  

At least, that’s what I would say, but then, I am not exactly Ms Popularity either.

But so what, right?  So what if you don’t play ball and continue to pretend all is ok when it’s really not?

So what if the biotches and shamers tell you “Ang pikon, talo” (the one who gets angry, loses) as long as you need not pretend things are ok even if they’re not?

Good luck, dearest Anna, and please tell us how it goes.

MG Holmes 

– Rappler.com

 

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