[Two Pronged] From boyfriend to just a friend?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

My boyfriend has decided to friendzone me. It hurts but nonetheless I can’t move past this and I just want to see if it can work.

Cora

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Dear Cora,

Ideally there should be a degree of symmetry to a romantic relationship – both are in love, both share common goals etc. You however now find yourself in a very different situation where your ex boyfriend (let’s call him Jake) has downgraded his role to friend and thus opened up the opportunity for him to replace you with someone else as his girlfriend, if he hasn’t already.

You are faced with a number of options. For example, you could seize what some would regard as the moral high ground, say good riddance, take an inventory of the good and bad points of your relationship with Jake and start the rest of your life. Or you could remain friends with Jake while getting on with your life, or remain friends but hope that he would see the error of his ways and life would go back to the way it was when you were more than friends.

As you say you are not ready to move on yet, it seems option 1 is a non-starter. As for option 2 or 3, if you try remaining friends then time and experience will illuminate your path. Expecting to relive the past will be nothing more than an illusion if Jake is happily in a relationship with your replacement.

And if moving on is your choice, it is good to remember that trying to do so before you are ready can be counterproductive and increase your distress. Grieving over what you have lost is a necessary step to a new life without Jake. Dr Holmes may have some more on this.

All the best,

JAF Baer

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Dear Cora,

Thank you very much for your letter. I agree with Mr Baer that “Grieving over what you have lost is a necessary step to a new life without Jake.” We do not know enough about the circumstances of your relationship to write anything more specific that would help you get closure, but I hope that our answers help clarify your concerns, even if only a little bit.

Yes, it takes time to grieve. Your once-romantic relationship has died. How long it takes before you can actually move on depends on the sort of person you are and how deeply you believe this is the best thing to do. But in the end, moving on is the option that makes the most sense.

You ask if being in the friend zone can work. To quote urban dictionary, this is “a particularly aggravating metaphorical place, that people end up in when someone they are interested in only wants to be friends. It is impossible (italics mine) to get over someone while in the friendzone, because, as friends, you still see them too often for them to be erased from your memory, and yet, you cannot be with them the way you want.”

I disagree.

Being in the friend zone can work as long as you don’t constantly read his FB posts. PLUS, you have to let him know when he sends you double messages. You know, messages that imply a deeper relationship than the one he decided on, the one where you are just friends.

This is how you can make sure being in the friend zone can work. And it has to work, because, especially in your case, you have no negotiating power. Your boyfriend has done this unilaterally. One hopes he told you this beforehand, before changing his status from “in a relationship” (with you) to “It’s complicated” or whatever else. In my opinion, that is the minimum a decent person would do.

But that would be courtesy, not a negotiation. You don’t get to choose. As it always is, alas, the one who wants less commitment gets to call the shots. Sadly, in this case that is your boyfriend.

YOU, however, call the shots on how graciously and generously you accept this fact.

Good luck! And all the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.