[Two Pronged] BDSM and living in peace

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,
 
I met my first vanilla boyfriend, Andre, two years ago in senior high. He was 17, I was 19.

He learned I wasn’t a “normal” teenager after I opened up, telling him about how I researched BDSM at 14 and started doing it at 17. 

He was hurt when I lied and first told him I was no longer emotionally attached to Dom, who died in 2016. Is it possible to correct a past life to make someone whole?

I am damned for what I’ve done. I also tried the Tinder swipe hype. I forgot to log out my Instagram account, he read it every day until it got too much. It hurt him so much. I still chat with my confidante Rahul, who’s also into kinky sex. We never had sexual relations.

We stayed together after that for four months, until last November. How can I mend a bullet hole when all I have is band-aids?

I didn’t want to lie anymore about my life, so we ended it. I felt guilty – I took his virtue. Since he’s religious, my freak side affected him. He asked me if I could leave the BDSM community and he’s the one who’ll do BDSM to me as part of our adventures.

I felt guilty since everyone around us supports us from day one. As we depart everybody hates me and thinks I have committed a mortal sin, they always ask me “do you not regret it, you found a suitable lifetime and yet you still left him, how terrible a human you are.” 

Now we’re strangers again.

Can I still live in peace, knowing that he’s still around? My lifetime commitment is to combine love with kink, because I can’t accept only one. That’s who I am, part of me that made the whole puzzle of my life.

Cadenza

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Dear Cadenza,

Let’s start with this issue of mortal sin. I am unclear whether you are worried about taking your boyfriend’s virginity and/or introducing him to the BDSM scene and/or challenging his moral compass generally. As an ex-Catholic and current agnostic, I am undoubtedly the wrong person to seek advice from and would suggest you try your local priest.

However, I am reminded of some advice a Jesuit priest gave me many many moons ago. After hearing my angst over infidelity, he said that in his view God had more important things to worry about than these minor peccadilloes. Comparing your supposed sins to those of the hundreds of pedophile bishops and priests (not to mention the bishops, archbishops and cardinals that enabled them to escape prosecution for decades), you too may decide that your God has greater priorities.

You ask questions like “Can I still live in peace, knowing that he’s still around?” This is perfectly understandable because at your age you have yet to acquire the experience of multiple relationships that an older person may accumulate. Of course it would be wonderful if everyone who wanted to could live the Hallmark dream of marrying one’s first love and staying married until death us does part. However, merely a cursory glance at those around us shows that this is not a universal dream and even those seeking it seldom attain it. It may be trite but time does heal in most cases as I hope you will find in yours.

Finally, you are fortunate to know yourself well enough to say that love and kink is who you are. Self-knowledge and acceptance will with any luck help you find the relationship(s) that you seek. All the best,

JAF Baer

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Dear Cadenza,

Thank you very much for your letter. First, allow me to answer two questions Mr Baer has not:  Is it possible to correct a past life to make someone whole?

Yes, but only in the sense that you can make yourself (and not anybody else) whole. Among other things, your past can serve as the “bad example” you no longer want to live and/or it can serve as inspiration of how far you’ve come since then and how strong you can be despite setbacks.

How can I mend a bullet hole when all I have is band-aids?

Band aids are not all you have, proven by your unwavering concern for Andre even if you already broke up. Can you imagine how healing (and thus how strong a shield against many bullets) it is knowing that an ex girlfriend still cares for you so much?

Before I touch on your relationship with Andre, allow me a few comments re his religious friends: First, who are they, who know nothing about you, to support your relationship from day 1? It seems the height of hubris to think they would know what’s best for Andre, despite not knowing a thing about you. Secondly, who are they to judge you as a sinner?

Not being a mind reader, I cannot really say much about the effect your relationship with Andre had on him, except to commend him for his sticking it out for as long as he did, despite his being hurt by you countlessly. But remember, this was his decision, not yours. Thus, any heartache was a function of his behavior, not yours. To blame yourself for all that happened/happens to Andre is both unrealistic and unhealthy. 

This segues nicely (or so I like to think) to research by Dr Yoshinori Sugiura from Hiroshima University, Japan.

Dr Sigiura discovered that people most likely to develop anxiety disorders are those who 1. perceive it their responsibility to prevent or avoid harm; 2. blame themselves for negative outcomes; and 3. think they (and they alone) are responsible for solving a problem.  It is this inflated responsibility that puts a person at risk of anxiety.

I hope our answers have helped you, dearest Cadenza. In case you want to ask us anything more, please, pleeease do not hesitate to contact us.

All the best,

MG Holmes

— Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.