[Two Pronged] Why do I need to know my wife's sexual history?
Jeremy has a master's degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,
My family is Opus Dei and I studied in a Catholic school all my life. Even my years in college were at UST. I married my first girlfriend.
Why is it I am so keen to know my wife’s sexual experience with her first three boyfriends? For example, I want to know how many times they had sexual intercourse? Are they doing oral sex? Who was the best among them? How long did they last?
My wife is not upset when I ask these questions, and neither am I. But I want to know why. Thank you.
Thank you for your email.
Firstly, congratulations for having not merely survived an Opus Dei (OD) childhood but also for having seemingly overcome it. After all, it is reasonable to suppose that the OD manual does not recommend as suitable marriage material those with premarital experience of sex, whether extensive or not, and the fact that you were able to look beyond this to see that someone with this history was worthy to be your wife clearly demonstrates this.
Moving on to your core issue – your fascination with your wife’s previous sexual history – many of us embellish our sexual lives with fantasies, role play and the like. It is possible that far from being macho and expecting to be the more experienced you are actually excited by the fact that your wife (let’s call her Ana) was more experienced than you. Asking her for more details continues to spice up your sex life. It is also possible that the questioning excites Ana, particularly if it affirms the correctness of her decision to marry you rather than one of her previous boyfriends.
Alternatively it may be that her experience sparks some insecurity within you and asking these questions is a way to allay the concern that you have that her previous boyfriends were “better” than you.
As you can see, the information you gave us leads to several hypotheses but no certainty, though Dr Holmes May see things differently. However, hopefully you will find enough here to guide you to the answer to your question. Please write again if there is more you wish to share.
All the best,
Thank you very much for your letter. Thank you also for reassuring us that this concern is one that is mostly “intellectual,” rather than urgent, something that’s eating at your soul and needs immediate attention. That means our answers will mainly be a springboard for you to deal with our hypotheses and, should you want to, come back to us for further exploration/explanation on a particular one. You would have to be more proactive though, and not just share more about yourself, but also about the reasons you feel one (or two) hypotheses resonate more with you.
Alas, without more information, all I can give you are other possible hypotheses, in addition to the good ones Mr Baer gave above:
AH1 (additional hypothesis one): You are curious about her sex life simply because you want to know everything about the woman you love.
AH2: Her answers help give you a deeper understanding of sex. Perhaps it allows you to question things you never gave yourself permission to question before.
AH3: Perhaps asking her about her previous experience makes you even hornier. It acts as an aphrodisiac of sorts.
I am happy that you are both so open about your sex lives with each other. I hope that this openness also includes ways each of you needs to continue trusting and loving one another.
Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email firstname.lastname@example.org with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.