[Two Pronged] Does my ex-girlfriend want me back?

 

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

My Girlfriend and I broke up 2 months ago, I think. And I still love her. I made a lot of mistakes in the past but no cheating involved. According to her, I held her by the neck a lot. And I guess she got suffocated. I never gave her the right to speak. According to people, we fight a lot. Isn’t this normal for a relationship?

We’ve been together for 30+ months. And it saddens me that it had to end. I used to try to win her back. But I can’t. She pushes me away. She was acting all bitchy towards me and stuff. So I decided to cut the cord. No more communication.

Until sometime, when there was a fire and she heard it was in our area. So she asked me if I’m fine. From then on, we started communicating again, made me feel wanted again. And I don’t text her first. I always wait for her to start the conversation and surprisingly, she does.

Does this mean she wants our relationship back? She talks to me. She tells me that I’m one of the people she could trust. What do I do? I’m manhid btw. I can’t tell if gusto niya pa or not. Pls help.

Thank you and I’m sorry for the long explanation,

Troy

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Dear Troy,

Thank you for your email.

There seem to be two distinct parts to your relationship with your girlfriend (let’s call her Cora): pre and post breakup.

Pre-breakup, you admit that there were lots of fights, which you characterize as normal, and you held her by the neck a lot (hopefully metaphorically rather than literally), thus suffocating her. Yet you claim to love her. This suggests that you need to spend some time analyzing why there were so many fights (you don’t give us any details) and why you think fights are normal (does your own family history cast any light on this?).

Whatever the case, Cora became increasingly disillusioned and you ended the relationship.

Now the situation is seemingly different. Cora has rekindled the relationship to some extent, though it is noteworthy that you leave it to her to initiate contacts between you. You are now sufficiently encouraged to wonder whether there is a chance to rekindle the relationship.

Perhaps you need to ask yourself some difficult questions before venturing further.

Why did you end things with Cora when you loved her? Why did you suffocate her to the extent that she turned “bitchy and stuff?” Was being manhid a significant factor in the breakup? If you start up again, how likely is it that history will simply repeat itself? And finally, if you want to know if she wants a relationship with you, you could do worse than ask her.

All the best,

JAF Baer

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Dear Troy,

Thank you very much for your letter. You ask if Cora wants your relationship back. She does. BUT, like Mr Baer, I worry how likely it is that history will simply repeat itself.

Reasons for the worry: Neither you or Cora have tried to address the reason she ended things.

This is particularly harmful in your relationship because it is pretty obvious you feel there is no real reason for you to change. Thus, you probably won’t try very hard, despite words to the contrary… especially since Cora seems willing to take you back even if you don’t promise to try and change. (Lockdown sure has a lot to answer for!)

You write: “Just that according to her I hold her by the neck a lot. And I guess she got suffocated.”

The word “just” shows you don’t agree that things (or you) were that bad (or possessive) to begin with. The phrase “I guess” suggests you question her response to the situation, perhaps even thinking she is over-reacting.

Then there’s the fighting. It doesn’t really matter what people think about your relationship; but if she feels you fight more than is expected, this is something that needs more exploring.

But again, you simply sweep things under the carpet by discounting fighting as something “normal” for (any) relationship. Definitely even lots of fighting can be normal. Studies show it is not the number of times you fight, but how you fight.

In my clinical experience, fighting can even be healthy, as long as neither stonewalls or treats the other with contempt. But it is not just my clinical experience that has discovered this. Dr. John Gottman, who to me is THE best marital therapist around considers contempt the number one predictor of divorce.

If you have not considered these two issues worthy of being explored further, please do so. Simply sweeping them under the carpet means they will most likely surface again… especially since you have now set things up so that it is Cora who does all the running/initiating.

Her seeming (or, worse, actual) acquiescence to considering your relationship without your changing may merely exacerbate your sense of entitlement unless, dear God, unless… you take some of the things we’ve said here into account.

I guess your writing us is a sign that you think we might be of value (says moi hopefully). Fingers crossed you then try and do something about what we have suggested.

All the best,

MG Holmes 

— Rappler.com

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