[Two Pronged] Sex, addiction, therapy

 

 

[Continued from parts one and two]

Dear Frankie:
There are two symptoms that those who believe in the existence of sexual addiction look for:
1. Uncontrollable sexual desire; and
2. Destruction of one’s relationships, career, and/or whatever else one might hold important.

You’ve spoken of going online looking for sex/“ka-chat” whenever you are bored or stressed, which can be signs of symptom #1. Can you tell us about symptom #2? — Jeremy and Margie

*****
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

I have hurt many women, especially my girlfriend. I hurt even my two kids.

I don’t want it this way. I don’t want to be like this again. I love my girlfriend and my children. I no longer want to be this way.

My girlfriend found out about my behavior by looking at my cell phone and at the history of my Internet use. I confessed everything to her and she got hurt.

She knew I was seeing a psychiatrist; but she found out that, after 3 months, I couldn’t stay faithful and started doing the same things. This hurt her even more, because I was already in the path of improving and then she got disappointed.

I have tried chatting with her but all the messages I get from her are angry. It’s as if I have done nothing good to her. Ever. I love her and I don’t want her to be like me. I don’t want her to reach a point where she will seek revenge and also go out with other men. It will hurt me so much.

I feel like I am a cancer to society: to my girlfriend and my kids, especially.

My girlfriend left me and no matter how [much] I beg her, she refuses to take me back. I love my girlfriend and am willing to go back to therapy and do anything to bring our relationship to what it was before.

But she is still so angry at me and refuses to have anything to do with me. What shall I do? Please help me.

*****

Dear Frankie,

Sifting through the mountain of correspondence that has been generated by your initial message, 3 issues stand out:

[Two Pronged] The sex addict

1. Your sexual behavior is causing you problems.
2. You want to have a normal relationship with your girlfriend and children.
3. You attribute your problems to sex addiction.

[Two Pronged] The sex addict part 2

Getting some degree of control over your behavior is obviously the key to any serious attempt to regain the affections of your girlfriend and it is encouraging to know that you are willing to continue with therapy.

However, your insistence on a diagnosis of sex addiction suggests that you are unwilling to accept the necessary degree of responsibility for your behavior (that much misused defense: “I have a biogenetic vulnerability so it’s not my fault”).

Your seeming obsession with joining a sex addict group indicates a wildly unrealistic expectation that you can get help from the very group of people who are virtually guaranteed to offer opportunities to repeat the very behavior you are supposedly attempting to curb.

It is akin to a group of alcoholics holding a sobriety meeting in a liquor store. That old Catholic mantra of not only refraining from sin but avoiding the occasions of sin has direct application here.

Our correspondence has not given you much latitude to reveal the positive side of your character, but presumably you have at least some saving graces or your girlfriend would not have entered into a relationship with you. However, your recidivism has driven her away and, realistically, there must be doubt as to whether you can win her back even if you can get your behavior under control.

Therapy still remains your best hope, both to regain control of your own life and then to try to persuade those you have alienated to give you one more chance. It is up to you now to seize the opportunity wholeheartedly and prove to both yourself and others that you are willing to do what it takes to get better. All the best. — Jeremy

***** 

Dear Frankie:

Before I address anything to you, allow me to first address any possible Two-Pronged readers who may feel harang! (short-changed) because I will not say more about your sexual addiction. That’s because I feel Jeremy has said all that needs to be said at this point. 

If we answered presuming you were “sexually addicted” when it turns out you really weren’t, then it would not only be useless, but also potentially harmful since it would equip people with a useless diagnostic tool.  

There are interesting arguments for and against the existence of sexual addiction, and I promise to write about this in Rappler before the month is through.   

I love discussing the above controversy! It involves the importance of diagnosis, the latest research in neuroscience, and the existential and philosophical underpinnings of sex which, surely, are far more interesting than bodies slithering and sliding up against each other in love and lust (feel free to disagree).

But back to you, Frankie. 

Thank you for agreeing to see me, and convincing your girlfriend to see me. I hope our one meeting will be enough to enable for me to refer you to the right professional if, indeed, you need to see one.

Your “sex addiction,” whether real or not, is not your only problem. There is your need to be honest to your wife, so she can make a more informed decision about her and your children’s lives. 

There is your need to examine if the relationship you so badly want to save — that with your girlfriend — is worth saving. Among other things, that decision will depend on whether this relationship is good for either of you, and on your realization that what is good for you is not necessarily good for her. 

You may have to accept that you may need different things in your life right now and to stop yourself when your boundaries get confused.

Finally, there is your need to take a good, long, hard look at yourself: to examine whether your impulse-control difficulties exist not only when it comes to sex, but also in other areas of your life. 

Is it really only your sex life that needs changing? 

A good test is to ask yourself whether this 3-letter word in your life, sex, uses 4-letter words to best express itself: care, give, love.  I sure hope so. Until our first face to face meeting then, take care! — Margie

– Rappler.com

 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email desk@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.