[Two Pronged] Should I give up?

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:  

I’ve been married for 27 years. My husband is having an affair with a married (recently separated) woman. I did not only have proof by text messages and explicit pictures but caught them together. In fact in one occasion I sat down with them. My husband told her that we are separated already but all that was denied by my husband when I saw them together. I didn’t make any scene. Just sat there and pretended we are friends. I would make nasty remarks but was very calm. She asked my husband to protect her from me but my husband couldn’t do anything but smile. She stood up and left. My husband and I stayed and talked as if nothing happened. He thanked me for not making a scene because the owner of the place is his friend. 

In spite of knowing that we are still married and what had happened, she would continue seeing him even to the extent of going out of her way just to meet up with him. She would be the one spending since my husband is on allowance basis only. His whole salary goes to our acct directly and I have access to it. He would borrow money just to be able to have gas, taxi fare, and for motel expenses. When I confronted my husband about this he would not deny it. 

At one point he told me not to hurt her because she means a lot to him. So where does that leave me? What am I to him? He also said that doesn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings. Isn’t he hurting me?

If I let him leave MY house he always says yes but never leaves. Finally I told my kids about our situation for him to know I am serious. He finally agreed to leave. He told his friend that he doesn’t have money for rent, but his mistress (an insurance agent), since she has money now, will help him. He can’t stay with her since she has 4 kids and her eldest is a special child who is close to the father and would not understand their situation. Also her daughter doesn’t approve of their affair. After a week we talked and he said he loves me and our children, and that he can’t live without us. Is he only saying this so that he can continuously stay in MY house for free – my house since it’s my parents’ house. I know they still see each other. I know because I track him. He thought I stopped already but once I’m feel something I track him. True enough I am correct. 

Not any of my siblings and friends know about this situation. Only 4 people know because I feel I have to tell somebody to keep me sane. Please help me on what’s the best thing to do. I am very confused. Yes, I still love him and am still hoping for him to change. But up to when can I still hope? Do I have to give up now and teach him a lesson that I am really serious about leaving him? 

Thank you. Lea

*****

Dear Lea,

Thank you for your letter. It is very clear that you are confused but you may not be sure what you are confused about.

Your husband is a serial philanderer, a liar, and a coward. You know this because you have seen the evidence with your own eyes. However, based on your account, you have consistently taken him back over the years, turning a more or less blind eye to his infidelities, tolerating his lies, accepting him with all his imperfections. Sure, you have complained, even ranted and raved, but in the final analysis you always let him stay.

But now that you finally got rid of him, by enlisting the support of your children, you want to take him back yet again, simply because he says he loves you and the children, and he can’t live without you all. You even say that you love him despite his faults, though of course you would like him to change, and are willing to continue your marriage to him.

Yet you should already know what you will be getting in return – infidelity, lies, protestations of love – which suggests that you are not aware of Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. 

So if you take him back and nothing else changes, he will continue to cheat and deceive you just as he has done in the past. Why? Because he knows he can, because he knows you will let him get away with it.

It follows therefore that you have to change the rules if you want him back but behaving differently. Dr Holmes will have some guidance for you in that respect. All the best – Jeremy

Dear Lea:

Thank you very much for your letter.

Actually, Einstein’s observation is something the advocates of family therapy agree with. In fact, one of the two most basic tenets in family therapy is: If something doesn’t work, doing more of the same won’t work either.  EXAMPLE: an American tourist who, upon realizing that the person he’s talking to doesn’t speak English, continues to speak in English but in a much louder voice, thinking that doing so will make the other person understand.  Not going to happen.

Closer to your situation is a woman who cries to her husband when he fools around. He becomes solicitous but doesn’t stop fooling around. So, she raises the ante, crying more loudly, more often and for a far longer duration: for a week instead of a day, a month, instead of a week.  

In your case, what you keep on doing over and over again seems to be your being willing to do anything he asks of you: not making a scene, not hurting her because she means a lot to him, letting him come back simply because he says he loves you as though that were enough reason to hold on to a man like your husband.

You’re thinking about making him come back home because he says he loves you? What exactly does that mean? Don’t fathers who sexually interfere with their daughters, husbands who hit their wives, men who emotionally abuse their partners do all these things in the name of love? And the saddest thing is, some of them really believe it!

If you accept him now, he will continue to do what he’s been doing all along. Because you will be doing what you have been doing and what you have done all along: acting as if you all you need to get by is his love, no matter how much of it he spreads around to other women, no matter how little he seems to have for you. 

We are all different people and thus show our love differently too. Stop asking yourself if he really loves you. You have been stuck, unable to move, because you are unable to say for sure whether he does or doesn’t.   

Instead, try something different. Instead of asking how true his love for you is, just ask yourself if the love he’s shown you thus far is the kind of love you want for the rest of your life. If it isn’t, then stop trying to explain to him or to anyone else why he just won’t do, and instead just leave him. Chugi. 

I know it won’t be easy, Lea, but at least you can start being your own person once more, believing in yourself rather than believing in his lies. Good luck and all the best – MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

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