[Two Pronged] Self-styled moral adulterers part 2

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: “Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality” and “Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.”

Dear Cindy: 

Usually, we summarize a long letter so Jeremy and I can both answer it in one column. However, you expressed yourself so admirably that we felt your letter shouldn’t be summarized at all! 

What (and how) you wrote takes guts, Cindy. It requires honesty and bravery not all of us possess. 

What I hope to do now is share an extremely shortened version of your letter and intersperse my comments in between. (For those who want to read your entire letter and Jeremy’s wonderful response – which I hope you all do – see link here).

Dear Dra Margie and Jeremy:

I consider myself a moral person. I don’t go for men who are spoken for. But Joey was different. He admitted that he liked me. I knew he was married (no kids), and I deluded myself that I wasn’t breaking up a marriage, because it was broken to begin with. Why else would he get attracted to me and act on it? 

His wife was my opposite. Simple, demanded so little of him, never asked him any questions and didn’t belong in many of his world. Meanwhile, I challenged him, we talked about travel and political events, I gave him books that he devoured and shared with his company. 

My comment: 

Hi, Cindy: Is this something Joey told you himself or was it something you felt was the situation based on his responses?  

He said he wasn’t looking for a fling, that he was in love with his wife. 

My comment: 

The above would’ve stopped most women from pursuing a man. That you didn’t is noteworthy. Among many possibilities, the most likely reasons for your continued pursuit would be:

1. You decided to ignore his warning; or 

2. You were confident you could get him to fall in love with you

To be fair, he tried to keep his distance. I was a pursuer after he told me he liked me. His will power to say no to me wasn’t that strong either, as after awhile, he’d give in. Perhaps this is also why I had hope, that one day, he’ll realize he’s (only) been settling with his wife. 

We only went as far as making out 3 times. Even if I wanted to go further, he said no (a big ouch on my pride and ego) because he didn’t want to cheat on his wife. At most, “our relationship” was more of a “fun friendship,” with kilig. He would call me everyday, we would have dinners, we would email each other in between work and text, and him getting his “intellectual fix” from me.

My comment:  Again, Cindy, did he tell you himself that he got his intellectual fix from you or was this something you interpreted (whether rightly or wrongly)? 

I wanted more than the status quo, and eventually, told him. In his heart of hearts, he claimed that our ‘friendship” was not wrong, though I asked him that if there wasn’t anything wrong, why can’t he tell his wife about me. Later on, he admitted our friendship was wrong, this is not appropriate behavior, that I was a mistake, and therefore was pulling away.

I feel that it was a convenient excuse for him to walk away, while disguising it as noble and being committed to his wife. Because at that time, we had been fighting a lot already, mostly because I wanted more than friendship.

It’s been 8 months since he pulled away, and truth is, I’m still hurting. I feel he had his little fun, and walked away unscathed, with his wife none the wiser. 

Meanwhile, here I am, smart, educated, a lot of things going for, YET (I) threw myself at a married man. I feel I lost so much from this experience, and the only way to redeem what I had lost (my dignity and integrity) is if all my effort actually worked, meaning we ended up together. 

I have many signs telling me this man isn’t for me, my family and friends are against it, even calling me the “prude who started making wala,” but my heart refuses to accept them. 

I know why it’s difficult for me to get over him. 

It’s because I let go of myself, I let go of my values, felt pathetic initiating and being rejected and my dignity trampled, in hopes that he’d choose me. 

My comment: Please take note, dearest Cindy, that the times you express the most angst about this relationship have to do with your decisions, not his actions. 

True, he was the first who told you he liked you. It’s likely that, like most married men, he also gave you mixed messages about wanting to leave his wife for you.  

Married men invariably do that: compare you favorably to their wives. They think it flatters the woman they’re pursuing, the would-be mistress (WBM). They also hope this comparison encourages the WBM to compete, doing all she can, to maintain the edge she has over the wife.

However, in the end, you are brave and honest enough to admit it was what you allowed yourself to do—betray your values, behave with questionable integrity, etc—that makes the aftermath so painful. 

If you can tell yourself the following, the pain won’t go away, but it will be the beginning of its end: 

I did this. I have to take full responsibility.  

All I can do now is accept what happened. Stop myself when I start rationalizing why I did what I did. It wasn’t him, it was me, and my hubris and gross miscalculation. 

I can do nothing to make the past go away, but I can certainly make sure the same thing doesn’t happen again. 

I am strong, bright, and sophisticated. Despite my unfulfilled affair, I can even be stronger, brighter and more sophisticated in the future. Natch! I realize some of my mistakes: my pride and the thrill of the chase. 

Should I be tempted in the future, I have to tell myself: “I have deluded myself before, but I am smarter now, thanks to Dr Holmes and Mr Baer.” (Teehee. Joke only.) 

I also know that I’ve been with other guys, but never really connected with them the way I did with Joey. When I was with Joey, I was also pursued relentlessly (by others) who appreciated me. I have never felt more alive, than when I was with Joey. 

My comment: People tend to romanticize the “one that got away.” In a way, yours was Joey.  

Doc, please tell me Joey’s not the kind of guy ANYONE deserves. 

My comment: But I’m not too sure that’s true, Cindy. It sounds to me like he could be worthy of his wife—even if his initial reason for leaving you was because of your demands, rather than her charms. 

Furthermore, if Joey tells his wife the truth, they can talk heart to heart not only about what was so lacking in their relationship that an affair became likely, but also what they can do about it, and then true healing can begin, making their relationship even stronger than before.  Hopefully, then they will truly deserve each other, but in the best way possible.   

All the best – Margie

– Rappler.com

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Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.