[Two Pronged] Personality clash

Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes

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A Filipino immigrant to the US asks for help about socializing in his new environment

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: “Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality” and “Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.”

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer

I’d like some advice on making friends and socializing. I am a married father to a toddler who is 3 years old. My wife and I are Filipino immigrants in the US. The past year, we’ve spent lots of social time with several other Filipino families – couples around our age with toddlers. I thought I was getting along fine with them until my wife confided in me today that some of these folks feel as if I am aloof, don’t talk much and I should make an extra effort to be engaged and be engaging when hanging out with them. 

I am a bit bothered by this mainly because:

1) I am an introvert by nature and have always had a tendency to be a loner since childhood. Socializing tires me out. Constant, close contact and social interaction with people, juggled with raising toddlers, tires me out even more.

2) I am friendly and civil and do make an effort to be engaged with them – or so I thought. But these folks, for the most part, come from very religious, conservative and traditional backgrounds. Their views on politics, sexuality, race relations with African-Americans and other minorities in the US, religion and Catholicism, and political figures and issues from the homeland are in stark opposition to my own views. 

3) Let us just say I am very liberal to leftist in my political and social orientation on religion, race, sexuality; I am an atheist and agnostic in my religious views, and I am at times shocked that they support and vocally admire many of the political figures from our home country because these figures have a checkered record and history of corruption, abuse of power and anti-democratic policies which have often led to the imprisonment, torture and blacklisting of political figures and movements who I grew up considering as heroes.

So you could say I am in a bit of an awkward situation. I can’t engage them on more than a superficial, day to day level and get to know them on a deeper level spiritually, emotionally and politically because doing so would potentially create conflict and raise issues and conflicting values and philosophies which can cause uncomfortable friction. Am I willing to risk alienating these people by raising issues which will inevitably expose strong and uncomfortable feelings about politics, race relations, religion or sexuality? I’d rather not get into it for the sake of keeping the peace. 

So I generally keep my mouth shut, talk about general, day to day things that all of us can agree on, and generally avoid talking about topics or even responding when I hear them say things which I ordinarily will engage with strongly. In short, I am being polite. But in doing so, I am afraid I am also being boring, superficial, aloof, and they can probably sense that.

In addition, with us being part of the Filipino immigrant community in the US, my wife likes these folks and she gets along with them. Our kids are growing up together as playmates. I’d rather not rock the boat. But I know we will never be deep friends or get to know one another beyond a social, polite but superficial level if I maintain this way of interacting with them. 

If I do let out what I really think, how I really feel and truly engage with them in a way that can be more deep and genuine – I wonder how they will react. Will we just argue and develop bad blood? Will uncomfortable and unproductive arguments about politics, race, sexuality and religion happen? 

Will they accept me – the whole of me even the parts that are at odds with their deepest, most fundamental beliefs – or will I only alienate them? I don’t want to deprive my wife of a social circle that she likes and can relate to as an immigrant in the US. But I also don’t want my attempt at being genuine and engaging to result in utter disaster. 

Any advice?

George

——————————-

Dear George,

Thank you for your email. 

It seems both a miracle and a mystery that you and your wife (let’s call her May) ever got together, much less married and had a family. According to your account, you have absolutely nothing in common, you have radically different views on important issues like religion, politics and indeed life in general. On top of that you have opposing views on how to run a marriage.

However, it is a fact that despite all this you and May have bridged your differences sufficiently in the past. So, has anything happened recently to cause this departure from your usual way of smoothing out your opposing views on just about everything of significance in this life?

Why do I ask this? Because faced with this socializing problem, May’s solution seems to be that you do things her way and you have to adjust to her. In other words, in the ‘give and take’ world of marital compromise, May is all ‘take’ and you are all ‘give’, which does not sound like much of a compromise to me and certainly cannot be the way the two of you have stayed together up to now

As for the future, I wonder what sort of agreement the two of you have reached about the education of your children. If one parent is a liberal atheist and the other is a conservative Catholic, what do you do? Send them to a Jewish school? Try Rastafarianism?

Write again with more information if you would like us to comment further. All the best – Jeremy

FEELING THE JITTERS. When socializing becomes a chore

Dear George:

Thank you very much for your letter, which is a most coherent representation of difficult subjects:  living abroad without your usual support systems, differences within a marriage, and friendships.   

Reading the many letters emailed to me and remembering the countless stories shared, I feel one of the most difficult things about living abroad is the limitations on the choice of people you really want to hang out with.  

A case in point is what you’re experiencing right now.

You say you don’t want to deprive May, but just because you don’t enjoy her friends as much as she does doesn’t mean you have to deprive her of the same people. You are not, after all, joined at the hip and she can easily be with her friends, while you stay home and read your book.  Rather, physically there is absolutely no problem, but psychologically it can be more difficult. 

I imagine May has more difficulty than you since her response to your friends’ observations is to exhort you to be more engaging.  Among other reactions, she could as easily have laughed it off, telling her friends how lucky they are. She could have explained that how you are with them is more friendly compared to how you are with others. If that is a white lie, it is far less excruciating than your pretending to be who you aren’t.  Introverts don’t do engaging.

If either of you need more convincing, please watch this four-part series on introversion-extraversion. This is the latest one. I apologize for seeming shameless, recommending videos where I am the only one on cam, but I honestly feel these videos may help you and/or May understand your marriage a bit more.  Besides, I’m an extrovert—anything to be in the limelight (joke only)!

May’s friends seem to insist you be like them and yet you feel that it is risking your very person if you do. I don’t blame you, given their political and social leanings.  The solution is not to constantly try to squash square little you into the round hole of suburbia. You’ve already tried to do that, with little success, as your letter shows.  What needs exploring is what togetherness means to each of you and how you can both turn out winners (pardon the cliché).   

You need to talk more (AURGHHH!! Another cliché), but really, you do. I suspect that you need this advice more than May.  Studies show that most extroverts, which May seems to be, are less aware about the needs of their introvert spouses.  

You each have to clarify what May finds insufficient.  Is it the number of times you smile, ask them about themselves, or the depth of self-disclosure you feel is expected of you?  The first two you can do, the last is not something that can be forced.  Especially where introverts are concerned, self-disclosure takes time, reciprocation, and trust. It can only take place with people whose self-disclosures they find worthwhile, and is of necessity predicated upon a willingness to share with the people they disclose themselves to. So if self-disclosure is the currency of May’s friends, they are asking too much of you.

As Matthew 7:6 says: “Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.”

Your deepest thoughts, your strongest passions are exactly like pearls to you.  You cannot share them with just anybody. I am not saying May’s friends are dogs and little porky pigs [that’s Jeremy’s style, not mine ☺]. However, it might be a good idea to agree between yourselves that your ideas of fun are different and both are okay. What is not okay is imposing only one kind on the both of you.  

“Collect, then select” seems the best tactic.   It sounds ruthless, but can be construed as a kindness, in fact.   After all, if you feel you are wasting time with a group of folks, spending less time with them actually frees not only you, but also them, to find people who will loooove being with them.  

May may think all she is asking of you is a little effort.  Actually what she really is asking for is your soul. You may love her enough to try to do as she asks. Let’s hope she loves you enough to try understanding who you really are.  Good luck and write us again, please, if we can help you further. – Margie  

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.

Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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