[Two Pronged] 21st century knight

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

I have a problem…I haven’t had actual intercourse for over 5 years now, because every time I’m about to engage with an anonymous girl I get this mixed thoughts and tend to look at physical details of my partner. Mostly, her flaws and attitudes and then it ends up me not having an erection even though I am horny as hell. 

Also, I don’t feel comfortable anymore with strangers. 

Is that normal or am I suffering from a condition of some sort? Do I need to feel love to the lady I’m with in order to reach orgasm? Why can’t I just be a regular “sex machine” like anyone else?    Arthur

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Dear Arthur:

In the Middle Ages in Europe, it was fashionable to believe that the highest form of love was what they calledromantic love, typically between a knight and a princess. The main ingredient was that the love was unrequited and thus pure. 

Countless religions have embraced the principle of the sanctity of the female body, which is basically shorthand for saying no sex before marriage, and some are so interested in what we get up to in the privacy of our bedrooms (or elsewhere) that they have strictures against masturbation, heavy petting, certain types of kissing etc. These can be so extensive that one almost requires a menu listing the offenses with the price expressed in years in hell.

The way you describe your condition makes it appear that you are unwittingly and unwillingly the poster child for “good” i.e. virgin-like behavior. Both your mind and your body are conspiring to defeat any attempt you make to have your way with any “anonymous girl.”  

But perhaps that very definition of the target of your horniness should give you the key to your problem. Maybe to make love to a woman you require something more than a mere warm body belonging to some unknown person of the opposite sex and a very superficial knowledge of her attitudes and personality.

Maybe you want her to be attractive, pleasant, fun. Maybe you want a spiritual connection. Try going out there, meeting a few girls and working out what combination of factors make up the right sort of partner for you. 

It sounds like a very appealing crusade for a 21st century knight. Best wishes – Jeremy

 

Dear Arthur, 

Vagina Dentata – literally, toothed vagina. 

Kakatakot, di ba? (Really pretty scary, yes?) And that was what it was meant to be: “A  folk tale in which a woman’s vagina is said to contain teeth, with the associated implication that sexual intercourse might result in injury or castration for the man involved….Such folk stories are frequently told as cautionary tales warning of the dangers of unknown women.”  (Wikipedia)

Actually, Freud also used the term to explain the fear of castration, a fear Freud argued all boys (or men) feel upon first seeing female genitalia.

Put simplistically (and “jokingly”), vagina dentata is supposed to refer to the first time a little boy and girl saw each other naked. The little girl asked, “Can I touch it?” and the little boy answered in Freudian terror, “No way! You already broke yours off!” 

My own clinical experience strongly feels Freud was wrong as far as this observation was concerned.  Many men feel the exact opposite of fear when they first see a woman’s vulva.  

However, it is possible that Freud had one (or several) clients with personal experience of fearing the allegorical female vagina, probably because the all-powerful female in his life (his mother) could smite him without batting an eyelash.

Thus, I would say you have at least two very likely interpretations of your condition: Jeremy’s, which also ties in with the Madonna-Prostitute dichotomy, or a very possible life situation where past experience, family dynamics, fear of women translated into fear of sex, innate temperament that is highly reactive  have resulted in your being unable to sustain an erection while making love to a woman.   

Your discomfort with strangers could also be a function of your temperament…unless it had something to do with what happened “over 5 years” ago? 

Perhaps you could tell us what your life was like then.  Did anything happen then that could’ve affected your sex life?  Did anything happen at all that made an impact whether sexually related or not?  

Ordinarily, horny, heterosexual men do not lose their erections when about to make love to a willing, albeit anonymous, woman. This may be a boon—at least to the woman/women you make love to – in that you are guaranteed, therefore, to make love only to women you admire and, perhaps even love.

However, you seem to look at it as a bane (as, admittedly, many men might) that keeps you from being the regular sex machine you want to be.

The first step, Arthur, is to go to a urologist to ensure you do not have a physiological/medical reason for your erectile dysfunction.   Depending on the results of your visit, you may want to write us again with more information.  Frankly, there is nothing we would like better.  All the best – MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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