[Two Pronged] Cheating hubby, monster-in-law

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr Baer,

If there were an Olympics for cheating husbands, I am certain that my ex-husband would be a top contender for the gold. I caught him cheating on me a little over a year into our marriage. He was cheating on me with a prostitute.

At first he claimed that this girl was texting him only because she was asking for help in finding a job. Little did I know what kind of “job” that really meant. Upon further digging, I found out more distressing details about the affair. I found out they would sometimes do it in my car, and that he had been a regular client of hers even before we got married.

To cut the long story short – he was busted for cheating, ruckus went down, shouting spells of Angel Locsin proportions ensued, and tears – lots of tears flowed. The adulterer vowed never to cheat again. With God as an example of ultimate forgiveness, I gave him another chance. Lo and behold, a few months later it happened again, this time with another prostitute.

I also discovered that he continued flirting with several ex-girlfriends online and through text.  The stress burnt me out so bad that I was eventually diagnosed with an autoimmune illness. That was when I knew that I had reached the point of no return. I packed my bags, our kids in tow, and finally left his psychologically incapacitated ass.

Here comes the kicker: my mother-in-law then comes around offering me unsolicited advice, saying things like “At least it was just sex and not an emotional affair,” “Lalaki ‘yan eh, what do you expect? (He’s a guy, what do you expect?),”  “At least he comes home to you at the end of the day.”  In her eyes, I was a quitter and my reasons for walking out of our marriage were absurd. Absurd!

This, after my body was going bonkers on me due to the emotional stress from her son. This, after he confessed that he was more sorry that he got caught rather than sorry for the acts of infidelity. This, after the thought of contracting an STD scared the living daylights out of me. I know God said we must forgive 70 times 7 times, but my health and well-being were already being comprised. I needed to free myself from that toxic situation and nurse myself back to health so I could give my best to our children.

Please tell me, am I the cold, heartless, unforgiving bitch the M.I.L. is making me out to be? Does it make it less of a sin if the cheating is done out of lust and not emotion? I really can’t find logic in the monster-in-law’s arguments.

Faithfully yours,

Disgusted-in-law

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Dear DIL (Disgusted-in-law), 

Thank you for your heartfelt letter.

It seems that your monster-in-law has very low expectations when it comes to marital fidelity, which may be a reflection on her own marriage, and an explanation for her son’s behavior. We are after all molded by the example set by our parents, much more than by any theoretical advice they may give us, and this is particularly so if there is dissonance between the two.

In other words, emotions are caught, not taught. If your husband (let’s call him Al) was brought up in a family where infidelity was rife, this may be the example to which he relates the most closely.

All of this is of course us mere surmising as your letter makes no allusion to Al’s family history. What we do know, however, is that your monster-in-law is actually suggesting to you that you should accept Al’s infidelity as there are worse evils that could befall you (i.e. he could fall in love, not come home at night). 

It is presumably only a matter of time before she suggests that you are in fact lucky that he doesn’t beat you up. 

As for your own reaction to Al’s infidelity, it is of course a truism that marriage means different things to different people and the disparity between your and your mother-in-law’s views is an excellent illustration of this.

For some the marital vows are sacred, for others, a nice house, SUV, credit cards and decent education for the children are reward enough – and fidelity takes a back seat.

For you, though not for your mother-in-law, fidelity is important and it seems to me to be perfectly reasonable to object strenuously to his reckless behavior as it impacts directly on your physical and mental well-being. It is also worth mentioning that Al’s behavior does not constitute an ideal example to be setting for your children.

Finally, I cannot comment helpfully on whether a sin of lust is greater or lesser than a sin of emotion as this column is non-denominational. It seems to imply that there is some sort of arithmetical scorecard and I am not sure I understand how many points to award to the various elements in play here such as: Is lust + irregular trysts + likelihood of infectious disease equal to, lesser than, or greater than emotion + probably more regular trysts + less likelihood of infection? 

You have set out on the right path, both for yourself and for your children. Best of luck!

– Jeremy