[Two Pronged] To come out or keep quiet?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

Even as a young girl, I remember how I always had to fight with my mom every time she insisted on making me wear dresses.

When I was in high school, I wondered why I kept getting attracted to girls? I remember pretending I had crushes on boys so I would not be different .

 But as I grew older, I couldn’t hide it. I was different. But because of fear of rejection, I tried to suppress the feeling.

After college, I fell deeply in love – it wasn’t just a crush. She was my FIRST kiss, first touch, first love. Then she fell out of love for me and left me for a man.  I was devastated.

When working, I tried to live a normal life. I never had relationships with girls again. I would still have crushes on girls. I kept praying I find a man I could love. I know that being a lesbian would mean not having a chance to have children.  I was so lonely living alone.   I was an orphan at 15. 

I met this young man whom I was not attracted to, but he was a good man. I felt that perhaps I could learn to love him.  His family loves me and I love them.

Because of problems with my sexuality, the marriage never worked out. I now realize that I was trying to escape the real ME. I was unhappy with my husband but my children (17 & 15 ) are my greatest joys.

24 years, later, I met my first love and realized I was still in love with her. We started to be very good friends again. My life was suddenly colorful again. 

I told her how I felt. She’s afraid, because it’s wrong. We were both married . We tried to stop. We cannot take this relationship to the next level.

I feel trapped. Every time I look at my husband, I pity him. I want to tell tell him the truth so he can find someone who can love him.

I want to come out of my closet, but am so afraid I will lose everything: my friends, relatives, children. Is it too late to come out? Am I too selfish? This is not about the relationship I have with that girl.  She could not easily give up her own family. This is more about me

What should I do?

Carlota

——————

Dear Carlota, 

Thank you for your letter.

Yours is indeed a complex situation and I can just imagine the contradictory advice you would receive from well-meaning friends and relatives if you were to canvas them, e.g.: 

• What God hath joined together, let no man put asunder
• You’ve made your bed and must now lie in it
• The children must come first
• You have to be true to yourself
• Carpe diem (seize the day)

Plus probably a lot of sanctimonious rubbish dressed up as religious and/or moral guidance.

Although we have not heard directly from your lover (let’s call her Sophie), it seems that you both have tried hard to make a ‘normal’ life for yourselves, with all the trappings (husband, kids, house, car etc.), but despite your efforts your true natures have blossomed once more and you both now want to reclaim your authentic selves.

Of course life is not quite that simple. You and Sophie may be able to walk away from the husbands you no longer (or never) loved but you, Carlota, have children, relatives and friends whom you clearly want to keep in your life if possible (you don’t tell us much about Sophie’s situation but she too must have relatives and friends, if not children as well). 

You seem to have at least three obvious options:

1. You can decide to put children, family and friends first, say goodbye to Sophie and live the life of a wife and mother that you chose years ago. This represents the ultimate in self-sacrifice, psychologically extremely damaging but no doubt a favored choice among those who hope to get their reward in heaven after a lifetime of pain and suffering on earth.

2. You can embrace your newly rediscovered self, throw caution to the winds, come out as a lesbian and Sophie’s lover, and let the chips fall where they will (you may be surprised by who supports and who opposes you when you do this). This represents the ultimate in self-expression, would be psychologically self-actualizing but would leave you open to criticism from those who would choose to call it gross self-indulgence.

3. You can carry on your secret affair with Sophie until you feel your children are adult enough for you to come out to them and to the rest of the world.

Only you are able to calculate what weight to give each of the disparate elements at play here and reach a decision based on the appropriate mix of reason and passion which represents the right balance for your unique situation. 

Good luck.

Jeremy

Dear Carlota:

Thank you very much for your letter. Since Jeremy has dealt with the salient points affecting your current life, allow me to make observations, which might help in your decisions. 

1. You seem to feel that you can be normal only by being straight when that is not so, Carlota.  Being gay, bisexual, hells bells, pan sexual is normal too.  Research, history, psychology etc. have proven this.  

Goodness gracious me! Even  zoology (Ethology in particular, which focuses on the scientific study of animal behavior).  Although dated, Bruce Bagemihl‘s 1999 book Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity is still considered an important resource, should you want to read up more on this, Carlota.

In other words, it is normal to be a lesbian; it is just a different kind of normal from being  heterosexual.  Just as easily, one could say it is normal being hetero, it is just a different kind of normal from being lesbian or gay.

2. And even as I say homosexuality is normal, there are many who disagree.  Among those will be some family and friends, who will judge you even more harshly because you are a lesbian and not a heterosexual.  No need to try and convince them of the above (#1). 

“Haters gonna hate” and no amount of logic or reason can change something that is visceral, rather than cognitive. This includes your children as well.   In time, the sensitive, more open, generous in heart and mind will understand and love you even more and I hope those are the only people you want in your life. 

Below are quotes from your letter:

• “As a young girl, I fought with my mom…”
• “In high school, I pretended to have crushes on boys”
• “Because of fear of rejection, I tried to suppress the feeling.“
• “Working,  I tried to live a normal life.“ 

Ever since you were a young girl, this is the secret you have tried so hard to keep, in an effort to seem “normal.”  You are normal, Carlota, despite the fact that changing your behavior in order to be accepted has been the on-going theme in your life. Ironically, the only one who seems not to have accepted you is yourself. 

All your life, it seems you’ve tried to live by an unreasonable sense of morality/propriety and it hasn’t worked.  There is no reason to expect it will work now.  When will you start living for yourself?  

All the best,

Margie

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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