[Two Pronged] Adoption woes: Part 2

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

To continue from last week when I discussed our problem with our adopted daughter, let me now tell you about my wife:

About my wife:

She’s the oldest of seven siblings conceived out of wedlock to very young
parents who both viewed the birth of their daughter as being the end to
their hopes and dreams (but it didn’t stop them having many others). Sound familiar?

Her parents were unable or unwilling to take care of her and her subsequent siblings and forced her out at a very young age to provide for the family by whatever means possible! She also had to feed and take care of her younger siblings as though she was the mother

Her mother mentally and physically abused her. Seriously.

She ran away from home at around 9 years old to escape this abuse.

She lived on the street and also with other relatives, During this time she subjected herself to degrading duties just to be able to send money back to her siblings for food and clothes.

As an adult, having been away from home for many years, she was just in the process of reconciling with her father when he died rather suddenly and tragically. So there are still unresolved “daddy issues.”

She missed out on a formal education because of these family issues and because of having the responsibility of all of her siblings thrust upon her. 

Also, her mother often reminded here that she’d never achieve anything in life so she didn’t need an education.

She is very headstrong/determined and often comparing herself with D.A.

For example… “When I was her age I was out working to provide for all my other siblings. When I came home I had to clean, cook, feed and change their diapers. But you can’t even do your homework or wash your hair properly by yourself”

She has previously struggled with depression from time to time.

So, you see, this is a very difficult situation. We cannot go on like this. If I side with my wife I feel like I’m party to the ill-treatment of a child! If I side with D.A. then my wife takes it personally and accuses me of contradicting her. It wouldn’t be so bad if these encounters only occurred once in a while but it’s almost every day.

Basically, in my wife’s eyes D.A. can do no good and she often reminds her of the fact. D.A. will lie or cheat (maybe through fear) and this greatly angers my wife. My wife gets angry, D.A. gets scared and lies/cheats even more. It’s just a vicious circle. I would like for them to attend family therapy.

Please would you offer your advice and perspective on this horrible situation. Thanks for taking the time to read this. 

Regards,

Mathew 

———————

Dear Mathew,

Thank you for the further details of your situation.

It is interesting that while you have so far painted a vivid, if highly unattractive, picture of members of your wife’s family, you have given us virtually no information about yourself.

Are we to infer you are a paragon of virtue? Maybe, but it also might suggest that you feel disassociated from the problem, that the problem is theirs, not yours.

Then, from the way you describe your dilemma (“If I side with my wife I feel like I’m party to the ill-treatment of a child! If I side with D.A. then my wife takes it personally and accuses me of contradicting her”) you seem unwilling to contemplate that there might be alternative strategies for dealing with your daughter. Whether this is because you are unaware that there are options or because you are unwilling to confront your wife (or something else), we simply cannot know.

Finally, you seem to have reached a reasonable conclusion – that family therapy is the way forward. However, “I would like for them to attend family therapy” does not sound like you think you need to be involved in this process. As you are however part of the family, your presence will be essential for the process to be truly successful and complete. 

Best of luck.

Jeremy

 

Dear Mathew: 

Thank you for Part 2 of your letter, which gives further details of your home life, focusing specifically on the reasons your wife may behave towards D.A. the way she does.  It is terribly tempting to focus on your wife or, indeed, even on D.A., perhaps even giving little suggestions to you on how to make things better.

But this would not really make your family’s situation better. 

For one thing, you may have done similar things in the past: sharing your insights with your wife as to why D.A. infuriates her and seems unable to do anything good enough in her eyes and it hasn’t worked.  A truism in family therapy is, if doing something doesn’t work, doing more of the same – for example, enlisting the help of two fairly good advice columnists – won’t help either. 

It seems insight – and I don’t doubt you have good ones, evidenced by part 2 of your letter – is not good enough.  This has been a long standing debate in clinical psychology, with the psychodynamic schools of therapy claiming that it is and the more current, more “pragmatic” school of thought such as cognitive behavioral therapy saying that it isn’t.  If you are interested in this issue, try the following links for starters: click here or here.

However, in my clinical experience, insight is hardly ever enough and the problem in your family provides a glimpse into why it isn’t.

You clearly want to stop what seems like a never-ending teleserye in your family, one drama after another with no resolution in sight. You have tried to seek ways to understand why this is the case and have decided your wife’s upbringing is a major factor to explain what is happening.  

You may well be right. The kind of parenting she had, the experiences she had to go through to make up for the things her parents did or didn’t do, the memories she cannot let go of are sad facts of her past that she cannot forget.  

You cannot change any of these, but you can change how such things are affecting your family.  This you do not do by showing her how past incident 1 is probably to blame for current incident 1.  You’ve tried that before and it hasn’t worked, remember? 

What you haven’t seemed to try is accept that you, too, are part of this family and what you do or don’t do impacts as much as your wife’s rages and D.A.’s lying.   It is not your role to be the guru that observes and then pronounces what should or shouldn’t be done.  No matter how fairly.  No matter how lovingly. 

You are in this, Mathew, as deeply, emotionally, and painfully as they are. If you can show them that you are, if you can prove that what’s going on is affecting you as much as it is them, if you feel that you have as much as stake as they do, you cannot help but be more involved in your family life.  This, I think, is the very first step needed to improve your situation. 

Family therapy has another truism: “A family works as a system, always trying to maintain equilibrium. Hence, if you want to change what’s going on in your family, change has to happen.  But don’t try to change others; change yourself. That’s the only way it’s going to work.”  

Perhaps Alex Hanse says it so much better. After quoting Ghandi’s “ Be the change you want to be in the world,” Hanse adds: “A cold heart can’t warm a nation.”   Neither, might I add, can it heal a family. So how about it, Mathew, can you get your hands dirty and give your family not just the benefit of your brains and your analyses, but also your heart, sweat and tears?  I have a feeling there can be no better start than that.

All the best,

Margie

P.S. The Psychological Association of the Philippines will have information on family therapists

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Two Pronged asking for help, and may well view your comments here. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments which appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed.