[Two Pronged] Girlfriend vs boyfriend’s mom

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I am avid reader of your column on Rappler.  I decided to seek for your help regarding my relationship with my boyfriend and his mother.

We’ve been together for 6 years and 7 months as boyfriend/girlfriend, and last year we decided to live in together along with his sister.  We have now been a live-in couple for a year. My dilemma started earlier this June when his mother decided to stay with us for good. As in, she quit her job in our province and decided to look for another job here in the metro just to be with her children.

If the reason is that she super misses children, she can always travel back and forth to Manila and to her province because of her line of work, so she sees her children very often. 

It is super awkward she watches my every move, to the extent whatever I do for my boyfriend she interferes with.  For example, if I prepare his baon (lunch) for work, she always comments, for example, whether what I’m preparing for him is ok or not, etc. 

Doc, Sir, my boyfriend is already 25 years old!! Is it normal that she wants to iron even his clothes? I usually do the ironing. She always babies her son. She claims she wants all her children to be independent, but how can they be independent when she always wants them near her? 

I opened this topic up with my boyfriend but I don’t think he can help me with my problem because what his mom says, he automatically agrees to and does. So I am the one caught in the middle, and his mother is affecting our relationship.  I would like to move out but my boyfriend doesn’t want to, so I decided to write to you because I am hoping you can help and give us advice regarding what we should do.  

Thank you and more power to you. 

Confused and Irritated Girlfriend (CIG) 

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Dear CIG,

Thank you for your email.

At first I thought that perhaps I was at a cultural disadvantage with this problem. After all, I come from a society where families are accustomed to their children becoming independent when they finish high school, which is very different from the Philippines.

But on consideration perhaps your issue is one of individual personalities rather than broad culture. You get on so well with your boyfriend (let’s call him Joe) and his sister that you decided to live together. The arrival of Joe’s mother (let’s call her Annie) has however upset the balance since she tends to be critical of your every move. Joe’s inability, or unwillingness, to stand up to her is imperilling your relationship.

From Joe’s point of view, he is the king of the castle. He has two women dedicated to his wellbeing and he may even enjoying seeing them fighting over him.

From Annie’s point of view, she can say that she “only” has her son’s best interests at heart and of course she will not be the first, or last, mother to believe that no girlfriend can take as good care of her little boy as his own mother. 

Maybe I see things in too black and white a light but it seems to me that as your relationship is with Joe, it is with Joe that you must discuss your concerns. 

You have to decide ultimately whether the current situation is sustainable in the longer term. If not, Joe has to choose between you and his mother. And if he chooses his mother, better to find out now before wasting any more time on the relationship. 

All the best,

Jeremy

Dear CIG:

Thank you very much for your letter. Jeremy has put the worst news last “If he choses his mother,” and with your permission I would like to continue in the same vein.

In a way, one could almost say he already has chosen, since he agrees to everything Annie (his mother) says. Also, he doesn’t seem to understand why you want to move house.  That, I believe, is probably the less hurtful explanation since the other one is that does understand, but doesn’t care. 

It is probably a good idea to explore alternative places to stay, CIG.  Not necessarily because you need to leave tomorrow, or even next week, but because you want to have a clear idea of what is out there should you find your position no longer tenable. 

My gut feel is that you will do so sooner rather than later.  In fact, I have a feeling you already find your situation indefensible, and are only hoping against hope that your boyfriend will finally see the light and agree that you two live apart from your mom. 

I doubt it will happen, CIG.  You’ve asked, he’s refused.  

You’ve pointed out several contradictions in Annie’s behavior yet he doesn’t take them on board.

Examples: 1. Annie’s reason for moving in doesn’t make sense because she can see her kids even if she doesn’t move in. 2. Annie treating him like a baby is wrong because he’s already 25. But he’s deadma (acts as if he hasn’t heard) about that.

He doesn’t even answer your second complaint with: “You accuse my mom of babying me—wanting to make my baon, iron my clothes, etc. yet you do exactly that!.” 

And there lies the rub, CIG.

He dare not say this because it will bring out the real issue in this triangle: Your boyfriend can only commit so far. That was not a problem before, since his sister does not see you as a rival. However, Annie does and thus she upped the ante not only by moving into your territory, but by rendering you useless since everything you do for her son, she can do even better. 

Joe’s supposed refusal to move and silence speaks volumes. You are so far down the totem pole it doesn’t even merit Joe’s speaking to Annie about her unacceptable behavior.

Leave him, CIG.  And leave him now. No threats, no warnings, no supplications. If he realizes that losing you is more painful than keeping Annie on his side and shows this by moving in with you to some other place, hooray. If not, then better you had only 6 years with him than 7, 8 or more, right? 

I know my sentence immediately preceding this may sound cruel, CIG, but I have heard so many women use the excuse of sayang (what a waste!) to not leave a partner they’ve been with so long, that I thought it may be a good idea to add that.  

Good luck and all the best,

Margie

– Rappler.com

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