[Two Pronged] Part 2: How can I stop masturbating?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Readers, 

Last week’s letter, an abbreviated version of which appears below, and/or my reply generated a record number of comments and so we decided to include in this week’s posting a short review of what readers had to say and some further thoughts on both Amanda’s letter and advice in general, before you get to read the best part of our columns, Dr Holmes’s reply!

The principal points made in the comments were: 

• Some thought she was addicted to masturbation; some did not
• Some thought sexual abuse in her past was relevant; some did not
• Some thought religion (prohibiting masturbation) was relevant; some did not
• ‘How to stop’ should be the only issue discussed
• Prayer will help her stop
• Counseling will help her stop 

Other points included references to porn and attacks on religion.

The diversity of interpretations of Amanda’s situation and my reply illustrate the boon and the bane of advice columns, namely that a few hundred words describing a situation can be understood in different ways by different people. 

All I would add to my reply last week is that I consider Amanda’s education and religious beliefs the main roots of her guilt. These lead her to want to stop yet she has found that her moral scruples are insufficient for the task. Since there is no non-religious reason for Amanda to stop masturbating, her options are severely restricted to those I mentioned:

1. Ask for advice from a professional believer (priest etc.) – who can perhaps help her strengthen her moral stance against masturbation
2. Interpret her religion more liberally – a practice adopted by countless Catholics and others who have chosen to ignore the Vatican’s objections to contraceptives etc.
3. Change religion – again countless have converted for a wide variety of reasons
4. Chastity belts – the only physical method I know which actually has a chance of working; just go on the Internet if you want to find the right one for you. When I wrote this last week, I was being ironic.  However, some of you took my “advice” seriously so here are two of the many possible links to look up, denounce and/or make use of: (amazon.com and dhgate.com) 

JAF Baer

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

I learned to masturbate when I was only about 6 or 7 years old. I didn’t have any idea back then what I was doing. All I know is that it felt good … I experienced my first orgasm, and eventually I became fond of it… But how I discovered pleasuring myself is another story.

As I was growing up, I thought that something was wrong with me because I was doing it and other kids probably didn’t. Until high school came and I encountered the term for it at school: “masturbation.” That’s when I learned that I wasn’t the only one in this world who knew about it, that I’m probably not the only one who does it, and that it’s something you can’t be proud of.

I’ve always wanted to stop doing the deed. As a child, I felt it wasn’t normal…however, I couldn’t control myself. I promised myself countless of times to stop doing it, for my own sake, but I always failed…I believe orgasm is wonderful and I want it to be special, not something I need to have just to satisfy my body’s urge. Call me corny or whatever, but this is my belief.

I want to stop masturbating. But the question is, how?

Amanda

—————- 

Dear Amanda:

Thank you very much for your original letter which, as you can see, has been rather ruthlessly abbreviated above. That is because I wanted to answer your letter focused on your original dilemma, “I want to stop masturbating. But the question is, how?”

I would not feel as comfortable doing that had it not been for Jeremy’s answer which gave a wider context with which to view your problem. There are many other perspectives from which to view your problem, but because Jeremy is such a clear thinker (and hooray for that!) he chose to deal with the impact of religion on your beliefs (and hence on your desire to stop masturbating). Happily, the comments after Jeremy’s answer gave many alternative solutions, most of which focused on prayer.

Jeremy disagrees, as do I, about the power of prayer in stopping your masturbating, but we do for different reasons. Jeremy feels that, since religion has caused you to feel as you do, your religious beliefs should be addressed. This is the basic principle of cognitive behavioral therapy which has been found successful in many cases and might work with you if you give it a try.

My reasons have more to do with logic, really. One of the major reasons you want to stop masturbating is because it leads to orgasm, which you want to have only within the sacrament of marriage. Because your belief in God is strong enough to want to stop doing what you feel will displease him, it seems logical that you would pray to Him to help you. And yet, your prayers seem not to have worked, because you continue to do masturbate.

Some cynics might point to this and claim that, while God shows you what He wants, he sure doesn’t help you, no matter how much or how hard you pray.  Others, however, would remind you that “God helps those who help themselves” and that usually means doing more than just praying.

Here is where no-FAP groups come in. 

FAP is a relatively new word for masturbation. The best definition I’ve come across was provided by Kylezzzzlol in 2009:  (FAP is) “a short and humorous word for masturbation. It originates from the sound that is made when someone is so brutal and inconsiderate to their cock when they’re masturbating, that it makes a sound from the strokes.”  

As far as I know, no-fap groups only exist online, but I predict such groups will morph into real live groups soon, much like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), which is credited with helping many people. In fact, the 12-step program of AA and its entire ethic of being nonprofessional, self-supporting, multiracial, apolitical, with no age or education requirements is one of the reasons it is so popular. 

NO-FAP groups are similar to AA, but instead of a community of people who want to stop drinking, it is community of people who want to stop masturbating.  You can read the following links to get you started: here and here.   

Dearest Amanda, I think it would also be helpful to treat your problem with masturbation as though it were an obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) where you think, or worry, about not masturbating (obsession) and then you cannot stop actually doing it (compulsion). 

Happily, the results of neuroscientific studies have helped exponentially in the treatment of (OCD) and one of the better ways is to interrupt the connection between the O and the C, since neurons that fire together, wire together (become stronger and stronger). 

SO, if you can find a way to interrupt wanting to masturbate and actually doing so, the connection between obsession (thought) and compulsion (actually doing it) will diminish in time because, as neurons that used to fire together (the thought and the act) do so less and less often, the connection becomes weaker and weaker. 

The best way to do this is to experience for yourself that thinking about masturbation (even if involuntarily) does not necessarily lead to actually masturbating. How do you do this? Especially if you’ve tried so hard to stop to before?

You interrupt the flow. Between thinking about masturbation and actually doing it, you do something else which is mutually exclusive. For example, if you think about masturbating when in your bedroom, one way to avoid it is to leave your bedroom, go outside and take a walk. While physically it is possible to masturbate in public, I think you would find it easy to refrain from doing so.   Don’t stop to think whether it makes sense or not, or how long it can stop you from doing it, anything that breaks the connection will be good enough (for now).

There are two reasons this might stop you from masturbating. You might be seen by others (and generally people masturbate in private unless, of course, you also have the paraphilia exhibitionism) and paradoxical intention (you cannot easily walk and masturbate). 

So, the best way (according to neuroscientists like Jeffrey Schwartz, among others) is to stop the connection between thinking about an act and the act itself. Even if you can break the connection for only two seconds, that is already an achievement and the more often you try this, the better you will become at lengthening the time between thought and act.

As the English author, Sir Arthur Helps, said in Realmah (1868), “Nothing succeeds like success.” And the more you succeed, the more you are more likely to continue doing so. And the more you do it, the more you are able to make new connections in your brain. In time, you will not have to fight as hard not to masturbate (although it may never be easy) because, having experienced thinking about doing so and yet not following through, you gain the confidence to know you can do it again!…and again! And yet again….Good luck, dearest Amanda and feel free to write us again and let us know how you’re doing.

Judging by the emails we have received after your letter first came out last week, I have no doubt many readers will be inspired by, or will commiserate with, you.

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Two Pronged asking for help, and may well view your comments here. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments which appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed.

Photo of woman and background image via Shutterstock