[Two Pronged] ‘I feel violated yet stupid’

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer: 

My name’s Alana, a 20-year-old graduating student. I have a boyfriend who is the same age as mine and we’ve been dating for almost two years. He is my first boyfriend, he was my first hug and kiss and yes, he took my virginity. We were both virgins before our first time.

He was so clingy to me during first weeks of dating him, but he touched me in my sensitive parts of my body until it went through all the way to foreplay and having intercourse.

I did stop him when he was making the first steps but he was persistent and even threatened me after, that he will tell everyone what happened between us if I’m against it. When my hymen had been forcefully penetrated, it shattered me emotionally because even if I lost it to someone I love, I broke my vow for myself to be sexually pure until marriage.

I used to be so proud of myself that I do not give in too much to other boys, which is very rare in this generation.

Even though we are still dating I do regret letting myself be too caught up in love to the point that I lost something so precious to me. My boyfriend was also afraid of having a baby at a young age so to be honest we only had intercourse less than six times, yet because he is a man with uncontrollable libido he forces me to have foreplay with him just to compensate his thirst.

Even though this is not as wild as other people’s situations, it makes me feel that it’s not right to do such things when you’re only dating. I feel violated yet stupid because I could just seek for professional help, but I am in love so I have to suffer in silence. 

I do not know if I should just let go of the relationship even if I know it will hurt me, or just sacrifice? Is this a selfish thing to do? Please help. Thank you and more power to you.

Alana 

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Dear Alana,

Thank you for your email.

Your account is striking. You claim to love your boyfriend (let’s call him Butch) yet you do not have a single positive thing to say about him. Instead, you have a litany of complaints. These are not mere trifles but serious matters, chief of which is that he has blackmailed you into having sex with him.

However, once he had taken your virginity, Butch started to worry about unplanned pregnancies, though apparently not until he had had sex with you “less than five” more times (I’ll return to this later) and so now he forces you to have foreplay with him, which presumably means anything short of intercourse.

In addition, you tell us about the regret you feel about your lost virginity and the persistent sense of violation that his insistence on sex provokes in you.

From what you tell us, your problems seem to revolve around sex. In the case of your virginity, “I broke my vow for myself to be sexually pure until marriage.” In the case of subsequent sex, “it’s not right to do such things when you’re only dating.”

These are rules that you and you alone seem to have imposed on yourself and so breaking them is obviously upsetting. Therefore perhaps it is time for you to examine their origins and make sure that they are soundly based and relevant to your current situation.

For example, there is little point in angsting over transgressions which are the product of merely arbitrary rules dating from a child’s world view while simultaneously worrying about inadvertently adding to the country’s already very sizable population. Your notion of what is and is not right needs to be rational and coherent, not just inherited from parental fiat or schoolroom diktat.

If however your sexual restrictions are faith-based and therefore impervious to reason, then hopefully that very faith will offer you some solace (forgiveness of self, not just others, for example) as you seek to expiate your sins.

This leads inexorably to your lurid description of your sex life with Butch: “because he is a man with uncontrollable libido he forces me to have foreplay with him just to compensate his thirst”. At the risk of courting unpopularity, it strikes me that you do not seem to enjoy sex very much– or at least sex with Butch.

Of course, one has to wonder how you reached your conclusion about his uncontrollable libido since there is no indication that you have alternative experiences that could serve as comparators.

Perhaps you are a devotee of romance novels where the heroes always hold their passions at bay until they reach the altar, or you actually believe Butch when he tells you of his insatiable urges. An alternative, and much more unpalatable, explanation is that “he will tell everyone what happened between us if I’m against it. 

Whatever the reason, your conclusion is that “I am in love so I have to suffer in silence.” I have to say that I disagree. Unless you have a burning desire to be some sort of martyr, love and suffering do not have to go hand in glove, particularly when the object of your affections is a blackmailer who is making you very unhappy. So leave him – with joy in your heart and optimism for a better future.

All the best,

JAF Baer 

Dear Alana, 

Thank you very much for your honest and heart-rending letter. While I agree with Mr Baer that “your problem seems to revolve around sex,” I strongly feel the operative word here is seems.  What your problem really revolves around is self-esteem and respect for others.

I have a feeling your current lack of self esteem is the reason you allowed your boyfriend to get away with so much in your relationship. His lack of respect for you is the reason he insists you do things you don’t want to. 

But no worries.

Just because it’s happened before does not mean it will continue to happen ad nauseam. There is an end in sight, light at the end of the tunnel.  You can stop the things you don’t want to continue, particularly doing sexual things with your boyfriend (foreplay).

Or perhaps I should change the preposition with (as in “sexual things with your boyfriend”) to the word for. That is all I see that’s happening, Alana. You do whatever he says you must do for him, and that’s that. There seems to be no attempt to please you, as you have tried to please him (and succeeded). There seems no attempt to help you validate yourself as the person you see yourself to be.

That is what you have done for him, Alana:  You have validated his self-concept as “a man with uncontrollable libido he forces me to have foreplay with him just to compensate his thirst.” 

And what about you, Alana?  What has he done for you?

I am not talking about sex. I am in no way suggesting that you do anything as base as counting, as in, “I gave you 3 orgasms, now it’s time you gave me one.” Or…”I’ve spent 20 minutes on foreplay, when do I get mine?” Sex is merely the current battlefield where you’re both figuring out what you mean to each other. 

Should your relationship continue (which I hope it doesn’t) I am sure the area which will cause the most pain (and, potentially, the most glory) will move on to other issues. 

At the moment however, he’s “shattered (you) emotionally…”I used to be so proud of myself …” 

Not only has he not done anything for you sexually, he has not done anything for you where it counts most: validation of your goals and dreams.

I once went to Dr Milton Diamond, former President of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, for counseling. I was having problems with my boyfriend then, who behaved like a mini Butch. I still remember what he said and it has served me in good stead till now. “If he makes you unhappy, break up with him, simple as that.” 

In other words, dearest Alana, we have relationships to make our lives easier. No one needs a boyfriend to survive.  We have enough people around to help us should we need/want help – our parents, friends, extended family, barkada, etc.  A girl has a boyfriend because she feels happier, mas magaan (lighter), and more confident when he is in her life. Butch does not do any of that for you. On the contrary…    

In fact, I fear you will be so traumatized by your sexual encounters with him that it will put you off sex even when you finally meet someone who deserves you. 

Dearest Alana, I can’t help feeling you already know what you want/have to do vis a vis Butch and just want confirmation from us. Jeremy gave you his above, and I am giving you mine now: Break up with Butch. The sooner the better. 

Yes, it will be difficult. Because threatening you worked before, he will threaten you even more now. So be prepared to take a lot of flak from him, ok?

And be prepared for the worst: My suspicion is he is merely a paper tiger but even if he makes good his threats, so bloody what?  People will know you are no longer a virgin, which will matter to some (non-friends) and not matter to others. 

But what about Butch? People will find out what a bully he is, sweet as pie when he gets what the wants but mean as a rabid dog when he doesn’t. What kind of woman would ever want to go out with a guy who kisses and tells?

Dearest Alana, it will be difficult, but I have no doubt you can do it. Should you need help breaking up with this selfish, callous, self-absorbed man, please write us again. I have no doubt Mr Baer and I will have a few suggestions. I’ve no doubt Butch will be a lucky man indeed, should you choose my break-up suggestions instead of Mr Baer’s.   

All the best,

MG Holmes 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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