[Clinical Notes] More on the abusive uncle

Note: In the column below, clinical psychologist Margarita Holmes takes a closer look at a Two-Pronged letter from a reader dealing with abuse. Read on for more insight on the possible hows and whys of this challenging situation. 

Ever since I started writing a relationship/love/sex column 25 years ago, I’ve fantasized about two things: that the column helped answer not just the question asked i.e. was merely a provider of information, but that it also provided a structure so that if similar problems arose, no matter how different they seemed initially, one could use the same principles to analyze and then hopefully apply what one learned in a previous column.I’ve tried to do that from the start–alas, while being the first to admit I have succeeded only occasionally.

That is the reason my columns are sometimes very long—at least, that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

Often, however, before social media changed the rules, there were literally space – not to mention cost-of-paper – constraints to deal with. 

The constraints involved nowadays with the column Two-Pronged are different. Mainly…I don’t want to bore the pants off you. Promise. I am not fishing for compliments, but merely sharing my view that, no matter how riveting a writer might be, s/he cannot keep anyone engaged for more than 2000 words–if even that.

Thus, I thank Rappler.com and most especially our editor, Wyatt Ong, for giving me permission to fulfill my fantasy, which I am hoping will also help make others more perceptive when dealing with seemingly simple problems that actually aren’t.

A column–or even a series of columns – is not therapy. As a clinical psychologist, I should not need reminding, but sometimes I do, especially when the letter writer is in dire straits, like Sam, the letter writer in our Two Pronged column last Sunday (March 15, 2015), about the abusive uncle. 

I wish I had more time (and space) to put the situation in an even wider context and help her see the situation with a longer-term perspective because that is the better way to deal with her problem.

But how to do it with a format as limited as a person writing what is, in effect, a Q&A?

I am very grateful therefore that Rappler.com has agreed to Clinical Notes, a sometime column that will try to provide that broader and deeper perspective so that, to take this week’s example, Sam may understand more and perhaps more people can contribute even more suggestions.

Even with clinical notes, responding to the letter writer (as we do in Two Pronged) or even writing a mini analysis (as I hope to do in this column, Clinical Notes) can never take the place of therapy.  However, I am hoping that analyzing even part of the story behind the scenes –admittedly oftentimes with scenes yet to unfold, thus I cannot guarantee 100% that this is what will actually happen—will help provide deeper understanding and, hopefully more courage to take the more precarious, but more effective, road. 

I wish us all luck! 

Let’s look back

I said I’d explain what I meant when I suggested that Sam’s uncle (let’s call him Lucio) was using a bizarre version of successive approximation to have sex with her even if perhaps the thrill of the chase, the knowledge that she is frightened of him and the sense of power this gives him might be the stronger motivating factor. 

Successive approximation can also be called “shaping” which is a behavioral term that refers to gradually training an organism to perform a specific response by reinforcing any responses that come close to the desired response. 

For example, a researcher can use shaping to train a rat to press a lever during an experiment (since rats are not born with the instinct to press a lever in a cage during an experiment). To start, the researcher may reward the rat when it makes any movement at all in the direction of the lever. Then, the rat has to actually take a step toward the lever to get rewarded. Then, it has to go over to the lever to get rewarded (remember, it will not receive any reward for doing the earlier behaviors now…it must make a more advanced move by going over to the lever), and so on until only pressing the lever will produce reward. The rat’s behavior is ‘shaped’ to get it to press the lever.

In this example, each time the rat is rewarded, it is for a “successive approximation,” or for acting in a way that gets closer and closer to the desired behavior. 

Lucio’s behavior is a baliktad (the opposite) version of the real use of successive approximation. The usual method encourages subjects to behave more and more the way the experimenter wants it to. The experimenter’s aim is constant, the subject’s behavior is molded. 

However, Lucio wants Sam’s behavior to remain constant i.e. not tell his wife, while he shapes his own behavior in a way that leads him more and more towards the goal he wants.

Step 1: He merely told her about his crush.  Since his behavior was merely verbal, Lucio was probably certain she wouldn’t tell. He’s aware that Sam has nowhere realistic to run to (not at such short notice) and thus he’s fairly sure she will not rock the boat by telling her aunt (let’s call her Evelyn).   

Step 2: He merely told her he wanted to say something to her.  Again, his action was only verbal.  However, he knew that (shaped) she would ask him what it was he wanted to say.  And that it would be difficult for her to say no since he “asked permission” to do so beforehand.

Step 3: Since Lucio has arranged thing to make it seem that Sam “gave him permission to hug her” (even if she thought only platonically) he knows she cannot claim shock or tell her Aunt Evelyn because, after all, she gave her permission and it’s just “innocent kisses.”

The problem is, Lucio will up the ante but in such seemingly tiny increments that, being too shy/too good/too respectful of her elders to say no, Sam will compromise herself till she feels (and he makes it seem) that she has no way out but to acquiesce. 

The good news is that two can play this baliktad version of successive approximation.

The greatest deterrent to Lucio’s continuing behavior (at the moment) is letting him know that Evelyn will find out what he has been doing, and plans to do in the future, with Sam.   

In his favor are the following:  Sam’s fear of telling the aunt not only because she doesn’t want to hurt her Aunt Evelyn, but also because it might jeopardize her studies. In addition, the further and further Lucio can get away with things (first a hug, then a kiss on the cheek, then a kiss on the lips, then…a visit to her bedroom etc. etc.) the less likely her Aunt Evelyn will believe her. 

It is far easier (mainly perhaps because it is far less painful) for a wife to believe her adoptive daughter (or even her own biological daughter) tempted her husband than to believe her husband was willfully unfaithful to her.   And the more things Sam has allowed Lucio to do, the far less credible she will appear to her aunt.

“He ‘forced’ you?!!?” is what will probably go through Evelyn’s mind.  “If you really didn’t want it, how come you let him get away with so much? My husband has never been unfaithful before, has never even so much as looked at another woman and I cannot believe he would do so now.” 

Sam’s younger sister will probably have the same reaction (believing her dad instead of her adoptive older sister) because she is half her Dad (genetically) and far less close (at least genetically) to her sister. Again, much easier to believe that your dad is still your hero and your so-called sister is a temptress.

Yet another possible situation that stymies Sam is that she needs the entire family’s good will for her to continue her studies at their place. Hopefully, she will be able to find an alternative and suitable place to stay very soon. In my clinical experience, once someone gets out of the deer-in-headlights mentality, and realizes she has several realistic options on hand, she also realizes that her attitude causes a ripple effect that encourages even more possible solutions more quickly and more often. Let’s hope the same thing happens here.

That is the reason Sam has to tread carefully – as Lucio knows.  He has time on his side unless she grasps the nettle and does what she feels is not only right, but will work.  She has far more to lose than he does, if she misjudges things.

So…what can Sam do? Let me share two—among the many other brilliant suggestions we received:

Agnes Davis suggested in the comment section of last week’s column having a camera in the bedroom – an excellent suggestion, because that would mean actual objective evidence of what happened. Ideally, one could get actual evidence before matters go too far.

Flor Caagusan suggested keeping a diary. That might be easier and something that needs no more than pen and paper.  And courage and perseverance and, hopefully, a friend—preferable a credible adult she can mail a copy to, each time her Uncle tries something.  What is vital is that this is credible evidence that her Uncle is the perpetrator, she the victim (rather than the vice versa situation he will try to make it seem). 

Will a blog work?  A secret blog with an anonymous author but one where the dates are obvious so that it will be clear who started what?   Also, are there any safeguards so this will remain anonymous until she wants to let things be known?  And can knowing that such a blog exists scare her Uncle enough so he stops doing anything else in the future? 

So there you have it: The first “Clinical Notes” ever.

Is it earth shattering?  I doubt it.

Will it change the way the Philippines sees advice columns?  I sincerely hope not. At the risk of coming across as protesting too much, “Two Pronged” – and certainly “Clinical Notes” – are not advice columns.  Advice is what friends, family, etc give to people.

Hopefully, professionals give the client (yes, yes, even if the letter writer is not in therapy) something else: an opportunity to listen to himself and view his problems in a different light; the experience of having someone else putting his needs in focus, rather than merely pretending to do so. 

These are mere hypotheses, but it is possible that at 15, when Sam first went to live with her adoptive parents Lucio and Evelyn, it had more to do with her parents’ needs – both her biological and her adoptive parents.  That is one reason that, five years later, at 20, she knows that should she leave her Uncle Lucio and Aunt Evelyn, she cannot go back home to her biological parents. 

One of the reasons could have been merely financial, but most of the time it is for far deeper reasons than that.  And if Sam’s needs were never considered primary before, her experience of having her letter answered, her situation considered by many others who cared enough to write, is already part of her healing. 

Most likely, it is the same part of her healing (because healing can come from many sources, under many different situations, and for many different reasons) that gave her the determination to write us.  That is a rare act of courage and her being reinforced (rewarded for it) by all the positive, supportive messages she got can make her even more courageous in the future. 

Is Clinical Notes as good as, or even just a close second to, therapy? Alas, no.  But if it helps Sam and other readers with similar problems to not only hang in there but stay the course, all the time trying out possible solutions until the right one comes along, well it can’t have been all bad, can it? 

All the best,

MG Holmes

Photo of woman and silhouette via Shutterstock