[Two Pronged] Great dad, bad husband

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer, 

I’m Ivy, 27 years old, with two young children. I’ve been married to my high school teacher for 7 years now. We started our relationship when I was 17 and he was 35. From the beginning we had a complicated relationship. I found out he had a relationship with another woman and even impregnated her.

Young and naive that I was, I forgave him and continued the relationship until I myself got pregnant at 19 years old. We shortly got married after that. Not long after our wedding, I learned that he and the woman he impregnated got back together. 

I asked him to move out of the house when I found out. We were living separately for 2 years. We tried to work out our marriage, dating like boyfriend and girlfriend until I forgave him and we decided to live together again. Everything went smoothly from there. To an outsider, we seem to be getting along well. We bought our own house, had another baby, we were growing our family. 

Many times during those years, I always had the nagging feeling that something was wrong. There were always some telltale signs that he was being unfaithful. Most telling is his obvious disinterest in sex. I am still young and despite two births I am fit and attractive. It has always bothered me that other men has shown interest but it seems my own husband does not notice. I would get his assurance and every time he would tell me that he loves me and his family is the most important to him. 

My gut feeling got alarmingly strong by beginning of this year. I noticed a lot of changes in him, especially with his phone habits. I decided to check his phone when he was asleep. There I found out he was texting several girls, most with sexual implications. I was devastated.

For a long time, I felt so guilty that I felt like I didn’t trust him. All along my gut feeling was right. I got him to admit he has some girls he flirts with on the side but he said he would never leave his family. I also found out he had a one-year affair with one of the women.

Though the affair has long ended, I was deeply hurt that he was able to go on with the relationship for so long. My husband still wants to get back together but I feel like I have reached my limit. I don’t see myself trusting him soon or ever again.

I am scared that if I give him another chance, we will just live a miserable relationship where I’ll be nagging and paranoid all the time. 

Truthfully, if I disregard his pathological lying and cheating, he is a loving, caring and supportive husband. We get along well and I can see that he has been a great partner to me in raising our children. However, I also realized now that he will never ever change his ways. 

Sadly, cheating is not something I can ever tolerate even in marriage. I already asked him to move out of the house but he insists on coming home every night. I considered moving back to my parents’ house but as I already discussed our situation with our eldest daughter, she requested that we stay at our home so their father can visit them anytime. 

This set up has become increasingly difficult for me. Although we sleep in separate rooms, the constant togetherness has been a challenge for me. I notice his every move and it hurts me to see that it seems that although he says he wants to get back together, he doesn’t seem to be changing his ways.

What do you suggest that I do? I feel like I should take control of my life again, liberate myself from this deceiving marriage but I worry that if we leave, this would hurt our children greatly. I hope you can help me.

Ivy

——–

Dear Ivy,

Thank you for your email.

Family systems theory holds that each family finds its own balance (homeostasis) by which it organizes and functions. This balance remains operative unless and until one of the constituent parts changes, following which a new balance has to be struck.

In your particular case, you have been having problems with your husband’s infidelity from the outset, since even before you married him (let’s call him John) you caught him cheating and forgave him. Following your pregnancy and subsequent marriage, he has continued to cheat and impregnate other women. In summary therefore, John has been and continues to be a serial philanderer and adulterer, siring at least one child by another woman that you know of.

Now, you have been together with John for around 10 years during which time his behavior has not changed. You have argued, ranted and raved, separated, got back together. And still he has not changed. 

Why is this? Could it be because he has not been given any real incentive to do so? At present he has it easy. He has a roof over his head, food on his table, a separate room (so he does not have to have sex with you), access to his children and free rein to chase after as many women as he can get his hands on. For a man who prefers quantity to quality, this is paradise on earth.

Sure, he has to put up with the odd cross word from you, but that is a very small price to pay. “Cheating is not something I can ever tolerate,” you have told us, yet by remaining with John despite his track record your words have clearly lost all credibility, at least as far as John is concerned.

You say “if I disregard his pathological lying and cheating, he is a loving, caring and supportive husband”. This may well be true but then again Adolf Hitler was a passable painter yet this has not been a source of particular comfort to those six million Jews and others who suffered from his genocidal rule.

You also “worry that if we leave, this would hurt our children greatly.” This is very likely to be true but ponder some of the consequences of staying. Will you be setting your children the example of a wife and a marriage that you will want them to copy when they grow up? 

All this leads us to believe that against all the odds you are actually constantly seeking reasons not to upset the status quo – as in the famous President Franklin D. Roosevelt quote: (he) “may be a son of a bitch, but he’s our son of a bitch.”

Thus, John may be a serial liar and cheat but he’s your liar and cheat. Perhaps it is time to re-evaluate your priorities and recognize that you and your children will be better off without the son of a bitch. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Ivy, 

Thank you very much for your letter.   My feeling is that, since Mr Baer has more than competently responded to your concerns, I am free to concentrate on the issue that I think needs the most attention, namely you “worry that if we leave, this would hurt our children greatly”.  

Mr Baer is right that “this is very likely to be true” but then again, he also questions whether you will be “setting your children the example of a wife and a marriage that you will want them to copy when they grow up.” Surely that is more damaging than being hurt because their father cannot see them as easily as if you were in the house still suffering from his behavior? 

In other words, dearest Ivy, there’s hurting and there’s hurting.  It may hurt them to realize that their father is not willing to visit them if it is not as convenient for him to do so, but at least they see that their dad is not willing to put his money where his mouth is where they are concerned.

And should he be willing to do so and, in fact, comes to your parents’ house faithfully despite the inconvenience, at least they will be happy to know he is willing to do this PLUS be happy to realize that both their parents can agree to disagree about his behavior and yet love them enough to set this all aside when it comes to his being there for them. 

Finally, by making your own decision and not putting the onus on your daughter (despite your listening to all your children’s concerns) you are not making your daughter responsible for your happiness and your decisions. You are not parentifying her but instead, allowing her to behave like the child that she is, allowing yourself to be the responsible mother that you are, and, by jove, even giving your husband a chance to take responsibility for his actions.   

It won’t be easy, Ivy, but in my mind, it is the path to a better life for you all.  

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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