[Two Pronged] Does she want more sex?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer, 

I’ve been in a relationship with my girl for 8 years now.

We’ve lived in together for about a year and are planning our wedding next year. There’s nothing particularly bad about our relationship because I feel that we are both happy. We regularly have sex mostly at least three times a week and rarely at least once. I am 28 years old and she is 26.

There are times though that before and/or after we do it, she reminds me about the past, where I got 4-6 (even more) orgasms in a night, when we were at college checking in hotels. That bothers me sometimes and I do not know how to respond to it. That is basically my question, how should I respond? 

I do remember agreeing with her that that was my prime and that I was so young and wild and really had the urge to even go beyond 10 times in one night with her. Is she looking for more sex from me? I would love to but I just couldn’t naturally keep up. Do I need to perform more? Should I use enhancement drugs? I do not even know if she is faking her orgasms. But she has not told me ever. 

I am having signs of ageing? Should I be worried? Or, I am just insecure? 

I must admit that spending 8-10 hours a day at work really tires me. We now have sex mostly on weekends. If I get horny, we sometimes do it during weekdays but I have lost the urge to have sex at least 5 times a night. 

Thanks, Alan 

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Dear Alan,

Thank you for your email. 

One of the most frequent relationship questions we see from people who have been together for some time is how to keep the passion alight. This is not an easy question to answer, particularly since the stock suggestions – ring the changes, make time to fan the (dying?) embers, go to a motel, dress up in sexy costumes, supplements, aphrodisiacs etc. – simply do not work for everybody.

But before trying to fix any problem, the first thing to do is identify what the problem really is. In your case, you believe that your girlfriend (let’s call her Jana), by referring to your past sex life, is intimating that she is dissatisfied with your current sex life. This poses the question: what sort of sex life can you and Jana reasonably aspire to at this stage of your relationship and at your age? 

An analogy: you have a 15-year-old car which used to reach a top speed of 130 kph and required almost no oil. Now it manages 80 kph at best and needs constant oil top-ups. You go to the mechanic and complain about your car’s performance, citing the difference between the early days and now.

It is very important to have first a clear understanding of what can rationally and sensibly be expected and second adjust this to take into account your individual selves. For example, there are plenty of studies which indicate the frequency of sexual intercourse, adjusted for age, sex, status etc. from these you can adduce the figures that apply in your case (which indicate you fall into the average bracket). However, it must be stressed that these are indeed merely averages and do not take into account vital factors such as employment patterns (synchronicity of work hours), age of any children in the home, sex drive of the partners, any medical issues et cetera. 

In your case, you are both in your mid-20s and the major known factors to be taken into account seem to be that you have been together for 8 years and you, Alan, have an 8-10 hour working day. Based on everything you have told us, it would be unusual to be able to sustain the performance you enjoyed in the early months and years but it is normal to be at your current level.

Having said this, the real issue you and Jana face is not the adequacy or inadequacy of performance frequency but the incompatibility of expectations which seems to be compounded by a lack of communication. You ask: “Does she want more sex?” The only person who knows the answer is Jana, so she is the one to ask. You both need to discuss your expectations so that you can establish firstly if there is indeed a problem and secondly how to deal with it.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Alan: 

Thank you very much for your email and for allowing me to show, once more, that I am not a rabid feminist who thinks women are always right, even when they are not.

For example, Jana. You say that: “she reminds me over the past w(h)ere I got 4-6 (even more) orgasms in a night when we were at college checking in hotels.”  You worry whether this is an indirect way of telling you that you need to perform more or that she wants more sex from you. 

Why not ask her directly, Alan?  

If you feel you cannot (which is one reason you probably wrote to us), then far more worrisome are her indirect-yet-possibly-passive-aggressive comments about your (yours and hers) sex life. If you have been together for 8 years and have still not worked out a way to communicate with each other directly and accurately, then your relationship is in trouble. 

I strongly suggest you find a way to deal with this problem or it alone may lead to your relationship’s eventual breakdown.   

The reason I suspect her comment about the difference in your (both hers and yours) sexual performance 8 years ago and now is passive aggressive is that, even if she tries to reassure you that she isn’t asking for more sex and is really and truly happy with how often you make love now, you will never know for sure, will you?

Not knowing for sure is what drives a lot of people (figuratively) crazy; because once people get to know what the actual problem is, they can start trying to solve it. You and she are not even at that level, Alan. 

Of course, you too may be as passive aggressive as she; I have no idea. What I do know is that her comment about the difference in frequency has gotten you worried and I suspect your worry will not abate even if she reassures you that is not what she meant.  This has more to do with how each of you communicate with each other. 

If you communicated better, you would know for sure whether you are showing signs of aging, should be worried or are just insecure. 

Finally, sex – be it about its frequency, ardor, or if it’s intensely exciting or boring – is also a function of each of you.  If your sex life is not satisfying to either of you, the best way to deal with it is for both of you to explore how each of you can make things better. 

It is hardly ever only one person’s “fault.”  So good luck, tell us how your first attempts at communicating that you both contribute to the kind of sex lives you have (rather than its being your total responsibility) turn out if you like, and we can take it from there once more.  

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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