In a world that still widely believes that women’s bodies do not belong to them, it might just be the ultimate act of defiance for a woman to take ownership over her body and prioritize her pleasure.
This was at the center of the discussion in the second episode of “Spilling the Tea,” a webinar series held by Rappler and SheDecides Philippines, a movement that promotes the fundamental rights of adolescent girls and women.
The episode, “Pleasure for women, by women,” aired on September 24, with guests including sex and relationship therapist Rica Cruz, erotica artist Kay Aranzanso or Darlingkink, sex positivity advocate and Now Open PH co-founder Trisha O’Bannon, and writer and Deus Sex Machina co-founder Marco Sumayao.
It was hosted by Rappler’s sex and gender columnist Ana P. Santos, along with Renz Rollorata, co-founder of the sex toy shop Lauvette.
Pleasure and the Filipina
Throughout the discussion, the guests highlighted how even just talking about pleasure can be difficult in the Philippines, where the strong Catholic culture reduces conversations about sex to whispers and giggles.
“It’s difficult for women here to own their pleasure,” said Rica, who did a study entitled, “The mother, the wife, and the slut: Sexual pleasure for the Filipina woman.”
“For Filipina women, their pleasure is very closely tied to their identities in that specific moment,” she said.
In her study Rica found that while Filipinas explore their sexuality in their adolescence or early adulthood, their priorities change when they become wives or mothers.
“Nawawala yung agency (the agency goes away) for that pleasure and that is tied to their identities as the self-sacrificing mother, the dutiful wife. It’s our Catholic beliefs that made us think that way,” she explained.
“As mothers they deprioritize their sexual encounters, and as wives, they either prioritize their husband’s pleasure or give in to unwanted sex,” Rica said.
Taking back pleasure through art
It is in this conservative landscape that Kay continues to put out her art – which is as far away from conservative as art can get.
Her work depicts women receiving pleasure – mostly from partners, sometimes from themselves.
Oddly enough, Kay started as a children’s book illustrator. But after a long-term relationship ended, she found herself doing more erotic art, as a way of discovering herself and her desires.
She also said that her art is meant to explore love and relationships – which is why most of her work shows women being pleasured by their partners.
“Mayroon tayong sariling (we have our own) fantasies, and stories that we don’t often get to discuss,” she said, adding that her Catholic upbringing made it difficult to talk about sex and pleasure.
”I found it liberating when I was able to put it out,” she said.
Taking back pleasure through comedy
Along with art, comedy may also be a way to loosen up the conversation around sex in the country – which is what Deus Sex Machina, a comedy erotica live reading show, does.
“Laughter is such a universal emotion right, it’s something that connects us all. If you do connect it with sex, something that connects us all as well, then it just becomes a lot more normalized,” said Marco.
And if the idea of pleasure is already taboo, the idea of female pleasure was even more so, with Marco saying that growing up, male conversations on sex aren’t typically nuanced.
“You don’t really think about consent, you don’t think about how there are other parts of your own body that you can explore…there’s nothing, it’s all about the penis, and I think you can see that as well in male-directed porn, it’s all about the act of penetration, the penis doing something to someone and I think it’s sad…. It’s too efficient, it’s too much about penetration and orgasm, nothing about even just the interpersonal dynamics of sex, how you communicate with your partner, how you adjust to each others’ flows or whatever,” he said.
He also weighed in on how toxic masculinity can get in the way of talking about sex.
“Men are raised to believe that they are more dominant so when a woman asserts herself and takes agency over her own body, suddenly it’s like, ‘how am I the weaker person now’ and they get threatened. I think it comes from a lot of insecurity over their own masculinity,” he said.
“A lot of guys can let go of this insecurity, this toxic masculinity if they remember to sit back and listen sometimes. They don’t have to be the life the party, they don’t have to dominate the conversation, they can learn something just by conversing with women,” he added.
Taking back pleasure through conversations
Having open conversations about sex is what led Trish to start Now Open PH, a sex education platform by and for young Filipinos.
“I think that even if a lot of young people are having sex, they’re not doing it with self-awareness, or they’re not doing it with a level of self-reflection.… I know a lot of people who have had sex but they won’t even talk about it. They’ll go right into it but they won’t even talk about what they like first,” she said.
She explained that on Now Open, they want to make conversations about sex casual and fun “to tell people that it’s okay…it doesn’t have to be behind closed doors all the time. We just want people to be able to be open and free and know that sex is fun.”
She also said that they like to talk about taboo topics to normalize having fantasies or fetishes.
“You’re not broken if you like something in bed that people normally don’t like. We’re so different as people, so many different ways to look at sex, to enjoy sex. A lot of people keep it deep inside…. A lot of people are super scared of their desires and because of that they’re not able to fully let go, to indulge that id, that basest part of ourselves,” she said.
Taking back pleasure through confidence
As Trish put it, talking about one’s desires can help make it easier to indulge in them – and make sex pleasurable overall.
Beyond that, finding pleasure may also come down to growing more confident in oneself and letting go of inhibitions.
Trish, who is also a burlesque artist, shared that as an exhibitionist, practicing the art of striptease in front of an audience helped her deal with her body dysmorphia and accept her body for herself.
“Burlesque has seen me fluctuate 50 pounds, that kind of range. Even 50 pounds heavier it’s still the same exhilarating, thrilling experience of sharing yourself with others,” she said.
“Loving myself I think was the best thing I ever did for my sexual pleasure,” she said. She shared how she once thought that she wasn’t capable of having an orgasm, because every time she had sex, she would be so concerned with looking good.
“I had to suck in my stomach, I had to like, contort my body in all these terrible ways just to look good,” she said. It was when she stopped being concerned about how she looked that she experienced her first orgasm.
“I didn’t suck in my stomach, I started to move in a way that I’m pretty sure was not attractive or whatever but it felt good to me. So the moment I was able to let go of my hang ups about my body, and you know not feel disgust about my body that was the first time I had an orgasm,” she shared.
Rica shared the same sentiments, saying: “If you want to have that pleasure, if you want to have that great sex, you should really learn how to let go of your inhibitions and just embrace who you are and what your body looks like.” – Rappler.com
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