How to ‘landi’ responsibly: Couples, singles share tips on love and lust during pandemic

If dating and relationships were difficult pre-pandemic, what more now, when people are holed up at home? How does intimacy work when your partner is provinces away? How do you strengthen your marriage when you never have space apart? How do you avoid loneliness when you’re single?

SheDecides Philippines, a movement promoting the fundamental rights of adolescent girls and women, joined forces with Rappler to answer these questions through the webinar series “Spilling the Tea.”

For the first episode on September 10, guests shared how they keep their sexual needs met, how they preserve the romance, and how they generally maintain their relationships with their partner, partners, or even themselves during this pandemic.

The webinar was hosted by Ana P. Santos, Rappler’s sex and gender columnist and founder of Sex and Sensibilities.com; and Hershey Neri, a TV host, content creator, and advocate for women and gender rights. With them was Dr Rica Cruz, a sex and relationships therapist from Ateneo de Manila University.

Long-distance relationships

Couple Aldrin and Keirwyn’s relationship started around the same time the pandemic hit the Philippines. Their first physical date, in fact, was held at separate tables in a café, with their faces masked and shielded. But the chemistry was there, and they kept at it even when Aldrin had to move back home to Baler, Aurora, for the lockdown, leaving Keirwyn back in Quezon City.

For them, perseverance is the key.

“Kung gusto talaga, kailangang mag-adapt,” said Aldrin. (If you really want it, you have to adapt.)

The two consistently go out on virtual dates, working out and having “mukbang” meals together through video chat, or watching stuff simultaneously through Netflix Party.

They both consider physical touch as their love language, but since this is a no-no, they try to explore other love languages for the next best thing. Quality time appeared to fit the bill, so they do their best to regularly spend time with each other online.

“You have to make sure your partner feels loved and taken care of,” Keirwyn said.

Cohabitation

This doesn’t mean, though, that dating and living together is any easier.

Couple Tina and Roanne shacked up in the same apartment a little after the lockdown began, but for them, it wasn’t a matter of passion, but one of practicality.

“We get to merge our bills. And we had already been sleeping over at each other’s places before,” Roanne reasoned.

They’re not alone: many couples have decided to cohabit once they learned of the lockdown, as a means of preventing loneliness and also to save on money. Of course, this also means that they have less personal time and space from each other, and have more chances of getting annoyed by their partner’s quirks.

Tina and Roanne, though, know it’s par for the course. They strive instead to openly talk about their issues with each other, to accept the difficulties as part of the process of getting to know each other.

Dr Rica also thinks cohabiting is great for couples’ sex lives: “It’s for the better of the relationship to take it nice and slow, to get to know each other more. Great sex requires a lot of time and intimacy.”

Singlehood

Single people, meanwhile, tend to lament being extra lonely during the pandemic, since anything outside of online flirtation is a health hazard.

For single woman Mela, chatting someone up on a dating app, knowing the chances of meeting in the near future is unlikely, isn’t very sustainable.

“Nawawala ‘yung thrill (The thrill goes away), knowing you might not be able to see this person in the future,” she confessed.

Single woman Ivie, in a similar vein, is very aware of the limitations, turning down temptation in favor of her health and safety.

“May mga bumabalik, nagme-message, at minsan may mga makukulit, tapos sasabihin ko, ‘wag – lockdown pa, hindi safe,” she said.

(Some old flames come back and message me, and there are others who pressure me to meet up, but I tell them no – we’re still on lockdown, it isn’t safe.)

Like Mela, Ivie also strikes up connections online, but then backs out eventually, since she knows the bond can’t progress.

Dr Rica acknowledged how hard it can be: “Skin hunger is biologically innate in us. It’s not really about sex. It’s a longing and need for another person’s touch. It can be as simple as a hug.” She added that this is why depression and anxiety can heighten as the lockdown wears on.

There are ways to remedy the situation, however, with Dr Rica highly recommending a little “self-service.”

“You can also explore your own body, and give yourself some fun and pleasure. If you haven’t explored your body yet, this is the perfect time to do so.”

Mela and Ivie also admit that, despite the frustrations, there are upsides to being single in a pandemic. Mela, for instance, feels that all the baking, reading, and other activities she’s been trying out while on lockdown has been helping “build a personality.”

“Wala naman kasing deadline lumandi (There’s no deadline to flirting, after all),” she quipped.

Ivie, meanwhile, reminds herself of her priorities.

“May tendency makalimutan na may ibang relasyon na mas importante sa romantic relationships. At mas nakaka-focus ka rin sa sarili mo,” Ivie added.

(There’s a tendency to forget that some relationships are more important than romantic ones. Plus you get to focus on yourself.)

Marriage

Married couples don’t have it too easy, either, as Marla and Joel can attest.

Sex, for instance, is a challenge when you’re living in a small apartment with a 5-year-old. The key, they said, is to be both creative and practical. Strange as it sounds, they even do it in their daughter’s bedroom, while their daughter is preoccupied elsewhere in the house.

“It’s not ideal. It’s not sexy. But it’s a room and you can close the door,” they admit.

Scheduling is also very important.

“In our season of life, it’s hard to do spontaneous sex,” said Marla. “And besides, if you know [on the] calendar that something nice is coming at the end of the day, it excites you.”

Solo sex is also something they value. While some people worry that masturbation is tantamount to “cheating,” the Darwins know that it’s a perfectly natural part of their sex lives.

At the core of it, they see the importance of communicating their sexual needs and concerns to one another. Especially since they’ve been together for a decade, and also face many responsibilities as parents, they have to make sure not to fall into the pit of complacency.

Dr Rica commends the Darwins’ proactive take on their relationship.

“Passion often goes down after the start of the relationship,” she explained. “But it doesn’t go down to zero as long as the couple works on it.”

How about you? How is your relationship or singlehood faring during this pandemic? Do you have any tips for satisfying skin hunger even without a partner? – Rappler.com