Who gets the pet? How to co-parent a pet after a breakup 

Breakups are already hard and painful to begin with, but it could get even more complicated when ex-couples share a pet.  

Pets, after all, play a huge part in our lives, and figuring out a plan to take care of them after you and your partner have decided to part ways can be difficult, no matter how amicable the breakup is. 

Who gets the pet? When can your ex-partner spend some time with your pet? How will you divide the veterinary bills? Most pet owners would agree that the best interests of their furbabies should be considered top priority for this kind of set-up. And to do so, they should be prepared to get into the specifics to ensure that their pets are well taken care of despite the changes happening in their lives. 

We asked our Rappler readers what they thought about co-parenting a pet after a breakup, and here are their tips on how to make it work: 

Getting custody and setting up a schedule

One of the first and most important things to discuss with your ex-partner is where your pet will live, now that the two of you have separated. 

It’s easy if a pet was already owned by someone before they entered a relationship, but what about cases where the couple bought the pet mid-relationship, or where one half of the couple gave the pet to the other as a gift? Will the pet go to the one who gifted it, or the one who received it? Or is it the obvious favorite parent who should get the pet? 

Talk also about why a pet should get to stay with that specific parent. Is it because they had more experience in taking care of the pet? Or does that person have a more flexible working schedule and environment? 

Make each other also understand what it means to be the parent with major custody. Are they allowed to make huge and important medical decisions for the pet without talking it through with the ex-partner? 

If you’re taking main responsibility for the pet, also make sure it’s something that you’d really be keen to do, and not because you just want to spite your ex-partner. 

Figuring the set-up would be easy if the breakup was amicable and the ex-couple decided to remain friends. But how about those who are not on speaking terms or had a bad fallout? Obviously, if you’re leaving an abusive relationship, prioritize you and your pets’ safety. 

If the situation isn’t horrible or abusive, it’s best to agree on a schedule as well. When can the pet visit its other parent? How long can they stay there? If they’re new to one or both of the households, it might be better to split up the custody arrangements for longer periods of time so that they can have a greater opportunity to adjust to each location. 

Be consistent and specific with the timing, too, so that your pets will get the hang of what to expect in such situations. Rather than just vaguely deciding to split time evenly, create a plan that takes into consideration what’s going to work for all parties involved. If your ex-partner lives five hours away from you, are you willing to make them take such a long drive just for the pet’s weekend stay?

Make sure to discuss all possible scenarios as well. What happens during the holidays? Is a co-parent willing to watch the pet when the other parent is traveling or has an emergency? It would be helpful if both parties agree on which pet-sitters would be on call for backup in case both of them are unable to take care of their pets for some reason. 

Agree on clear boundaries and rules

As in most cases, consistency is the key! Setting up rules regarding aspects that could influence a pet’s home life is imperative in co-parenting set-ups. 

Pets have the tendency to be in distress when they’re in a new environment, so to make sure that the transition will be easier for everyone, best to reinforce the same rules, routines, and boundaries at each house. 

If one of you allows them on the couch, but the other parent doesn’t, then this can be confusing for your pet, and an upset animal could act up. Be consistent with their exercise and feeding schedule! For example, dogs usually get used to a specific time for their morning piss, so make sure that this is maintained in both houses.

As co-parents, remember to use the same language for commands, too. It could be difficult for your pet to follow a command if one parent uses “wait” when they’re used to hearing “stay.” 

Consistency in food is also extremely important. Agree to use the same type and brand of food and treats, and make sure that they’re fed at the time and with the amount that they’re used to. 

It’s also best to revisit these rules as you, your ex-partner, and pet become older. Consider the changes in each other’s lives and desires to maintain the set-up. Will you still be okay with co-parenting a pet even 10 years after your breakup? 

Talk about finances

Raising a pet is a financial responsibility that could get pretty expensive – and having discussions on anything money-related with your ex could get tricky! So, better to be direct and real about it. 

Start by listing down the expenses of your pet, like food, preventive medicines, toys, and medical care. Then, discuss how to split the costs. Will it be split equally, or is the person with the higher income willing to pay more? Will the parent who has custody pay for the basic supplies and everyday necessities while the other parent will shoulder the larger expenses such as veterinarian bills? 

Aside from the expenses, it would be helpful if both parents also agreed on a spending limit for the things they’re purchasing for their pet. One parent may feel frustrated if the other spends too much on toys and treats, when they could allot it for the pet’s medical expenses instead. 

Iron these things out and ensure that both parties get a sense of fairness from it. And once they’ve agreed upon a plan, they should adhere to it.  

The pet’s welfare is the priority

Before agreeing on a co-parenting set-up, make sure that the whole situation is fair for your pets and that all factors were made in consideration of their well-being. 

Remember that moving from one environment to the other regularly can be extremely stressful for your pets, which would lead to behavioral and medical problems. Know also that some pets have the tendency to grow more attached to a particular person and it might be detrimental for the animals to be separated from that person over and over again. Are you, co-parents, willing to risk their health just to make the set-up work? 

It’s important to be honest with yourself and the person you’re sharing your pet with about how you feel about your situation. Are there any changes that you two should make for the sake of your pets? Is it working for everyone involved, or is one side being treated unfairly? Don’t hesitate to make necessary adjustments to ensure that everyone’s in favor of the set-up. – Rappler.com