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The dating scene can be tricky, but it could get particularly messy when conflicts and unresolved feelings are involved.
For many, it’s an unspoken rule in the bro/girl code to never date a friend’s ex. And while this is often understandable on complicated fallouts that involve cheating and betrayal, such rule might not be applicable to amicable breakups or exes who’ve stayed in the same circle.
Some might be cool with having friends that date their ex, while others might feel like it’s crossing the line. It’s a case-by-case situation that many should tread lightly, that’s why, we asked our Rappler readers on how they feel about this situation.
You can’t say dibs over a person
For most Rappler readers, there’s no hard and fast rule that says you can never date a friend’s ex. To them, such rules vary in each situation. And depending on specific instances, there’s no need to cut ties with anyone involved.
“I can’t with this code,” one reader wrote. “If both are consenting adults, let them date whoever they want to date. If it didn’t work for my ex and me, it doesn’t mean it won’t work for my best friend, too. My feelings are beyond my best friend’s control and so do theirs, but I won’t let that hinder my friend’s happiness. You don’t get to control nor own anybody.”
Another reader echoed the sentiment, saying that no one has the right to “say dibs over a person.” “Talk to your friend if they’re okay with it or if it makes them feel weird. Because it’ll be complicated if there’s unresolved feelings there or like, abuse involved,” they continued.
A different reader emphasized that there’s no objective right or wrong for cases like this, and advised that those involved should engage in proper communication instead.
A Facebook reader also stressed that each relationship is different. “Be mature and stop being so bitter [about] someone’s happiness,” they said.
“I know some may not feel [comfortable] with this set-up but that doesn’t mean their level of discomfort should dictate whom others should and wanna date. Life is short. As long as they’re both single, love and let love,” another comment read.
But we know that being mature, respectful, and open can be easier said than done. And while each relationship is different, here’s some of the tips that Rappler readers have shared to navigate such instances:
Assess the relationship your friend had with the ex
First and foremost, consider the kind of relationship they had and how long ago it ended.
If it was just a casual fling or someone they’ve dated from high school 10 years ago, then you might be in the clear. But it’s a different story when said ex is the love of your friend’s life whom they’ve spent a decade with.
Think about how serious the previous relationship was and the chances that both parties (your friend and their ex) might still be trying to move on from each other. Serious relationships take time to get over, so make sure that you’ve both given them ample time to heal from any wounds caused by their previous relationship.
Breakups also take time and closure. And for many, dating a friend’s ex so soon after they’ve ended their relationship can raise some eyebrows – especially that it might seem like you had another agenda the entire time they were dating or just waiting for a chance to be involved with the said ex.
Best to know also the reason for their breakup. If their relationship ended because the ex cheated on them or was abusive toward them, then understand that that’s not just your friend telling you that their ex is off-limits, but also making sure that you won’t risk the same thing happening to you.
Think about how will this affect your friendship
It goes without saying that dating a friend’s ex means potentially risking your friendship with them. So better ask yourself if the new relationship is worth losing a friend to – may it be temporarily or worse, permanently – and what would such loss mean to you.
If they’ve ended things on a bad note and your friend hates their ex now, then they might not be comfortable being around them again. Consider also how your other friends are going to react about this and anticipate whether it will affect the dynamics of your social circle.
Ideally, we want our friends to be happy with our relationships and we don’t want to hide our partners, so getting them to accept and be comfortable with your new relationship is a must.
That’s why it’s best to talk to your friend first before getting involved with their ex, or make sure to let them know if you already have. It might be an uncomfortable situation to be in, but remember to be honest and direct, as much as possible.
Be open to your friend about the person you’re dating or planning to date. Explain your intentions in a way that it won’t leave any room for misinterpretation. Be transparent about your feelings about their ex so that your friend won’t feel blindsided when and if you’ve decided to take the new relationship to another level, but also make them understand that your friendship means a lot to you.
Anticipate also how your friend will react, and be thoughtful and considerate of their feelings. Think of ways to avoid them revisiting painful memories, if there’s any. Try to stay calm and avoid getting into arguments.
While their opinion might not be a deciding factor for you to enter a new relationship, brace yourself on the possibility that they might be against it. Will you be okay with that?
Know how important this new relationship is to you
What is it about that person that you’re interested in – to the point that you’re ready to lose friends over? Will this just be a fling or do you actually think that they might be the right person for you? Do you like them enough to see a future with them?
These are some of the important factors you should consider before going forward. If you know that the relationship is not something serious, then best to not risk your friendship and avoid any potential heartbreak.
On the other hand, if everyone involved is okay with the matters at hand, then it would be easier for you. Maintaining both relationships might not be easy, but make sure that you won’t also abandon your friend just because you’re in a budding romance with a new partner. Find balance on how to make it work, especially if it’s important for you to keep both people in your life. – Rappler.com
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