[Two Pronged] Do philanderers change their ways?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I used to have a live in partner, we just broke up a month ago. He has his children and I have mine too. He is a very good father to our children and a very good provider. I want to understand why he likes new girlfriend, over and over again.

I’m very jealous, that’s why I ask him “am I not enough?”

I remember he told me that in his first live in relationship, he court the friend of his partner and they had sex. He also had sex with the talent GRO of his partner. He also courted the sister of his partner. I asked him why did you those things, since your first partner is sexy and pretty. He answered “Masarap e! Bagong putahe” (It’s fun. A new dish!)

He also used to have sex with a married older woman, and someone who is almost a daughter because he is already 47 and the girl was only 21. With or without a husband if he likes it, he is going to do it.

I still love him, that’s why I want to understand him, and help him stop with these things. Next month is already 2021. I want him to be better by then, especially with this pandemic. He might get all of us sick.

Ida

Dear Ida,

It is an axiom of therapy that the only person whose behavior you can change is yourself. In this case, your partner is a serial philanderer whose behavior you tolerated until recently because he was a good father and good provider (significantly you do not mention his performance as a husband or as a lover, only that you still love him for unspecified reasons).

He has shown zero remorse for his behavior so far, your remonstrations have achieved nothing and frankly there is no reason to believe that he will change unless some seismic event takes place e.g. he has a stroke or he becomes a true believer, neither of which are within your control.

While there are many possible responses to philandering, two typical ones are a) to tolerate it, often because (i) the wronged spouse considers there is no alternative (for example, no financial means to establish an independent life) or (ii) because of a belief that a broken home would be bad for the children or (iii) because of a belief in the sacred vows of marriage or (iv) because infidelity is no big deal and even in some cases a welcome relief b) to separate (with or without annulment, or divorce if available).

You seem to have chosen to separate and, in view of the incorrigibility of your partner and his relentless pursuit of other women, this seems a wise move. You have not succeeded in changing him so far and there is no reason to believe that you will succeed in the future.

The pandemic is simply one more reason to remain separated, particularly since his favorite hobby precludes social distancing.

I am sorry that I have nothing more positive to offer at this festive time.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Ida,

Thank you very much for your letter.

Like Mr Baer, I am so, so sorry that I cannot reassure you that what you seem to want to do most—help him stop sleeping with other women—is going to happen. Why not? Because he doesn’t want any help. Why? Simply because he doesn’t want to stop doing what he so obviously enjoys.

He has not even pretended to you that he wishes he could stop! Neither has he tried to excuse his proclivities by claiming he has a sexual addiction (a la Tiger Woods, David Duchovny, and other weasels). Or by saying he had an unhappy childhood. For that, I feel he should be commended.

Also, perhaps, for being a good father and a good provider; perhaps most especially if he keeps providing for you and your children despite your breaking up. If he never promised you fidelity, perhaps he can also be commended for not promising things he cannot deliver.

But that is no longer the point. He may be a good man in some (even many) ways. But he is not the man for you, because he cannot give you what you want (and may even need) – someone you can count on in good times and in bad, someone who will not be distracted by other women and other emotional obligations.

Perhaps the most we can give you this Christmas season is clarity:

You are not enough NOT because you lack any qualities but because at the moment, no one woman is enough for him.
Yes, staying away from him is a good idea, because it is highly likely that he may bring Covid to your household. This you owe not only to yourself, but to your children.

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.