[Two Pronged] Still attached to my first

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons. 

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Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I would like to ask you a question. Is it really “possible” to be emotionally attached to your ex, whom you had first sexual intercourse with? I mean, ex na siya eh, (he’s already an ex boyfriend) normal lang po ba yung may nararamdaman pa ring attachment sa kanya (is it normal to still feel an attachment for him)?

Thanks po for your answer in advance and stay safe po! 

Helen

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Dear Helen 

Thank you for your message.

For some people the loss of their virginity is a seismic event, often replete with religious and/or psychological and/or cultural significance, while for many others the memory soon recedes into the dim and distant past, perhaps having no greater importance than the day they learned to ride a bicycle or to swim.

One’s memories of the person with whom the event took place are, however, a function of the quality and the duration of the relationship between the two, as well as the psychological impact of the actual event.

A drunken coupling with a stranger is perhaps less likely to linger as a fond recollection than a successful wedding night followed by a happy marriage, though the former might well not be forgotten if it was traumatic.

So, in answer to your question, in the right circumstances emotional attachment to your first lover can indeed persist long after he becomes your ex. The issue then is what kind of attachment. Is it a nice warm memory that stays with you while you get on with the rest of your life?

Or is it a consuming memory that prevents you from moving on, leaving you forever regretting what never developed and poisoning your future? Or somewhere between the two?

Is it a memory that reflects the reality of the relationship and the reasons for its eventual demise or is it one which glorifies the high points, sweeps the defects under the carpet and leaves you hankering for a future together that has no hope of coming to pass.

Please write again if you wish to tell us more about your situation.

Best wishes,

JAF Baer

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Dear Helen,

Thank you very much for your letter and thank you too, Mr Baer, for answering Helen’s foremost question: Yes, it IS normal to have some form of attachment to an ex, especially an ex whom you have happy memories of.

In addition, Mr Baer shared the distinction between being attached to your “ex” in an ok-perhaps even more than ok-way, and attachment to your ex in a mentally unhealthy way.

The former includes: “a nice warm memory that stays with you while you get on with the rest of your life”; the latter, a consuming memory that prevents you from moving on, leaving you forever regretting what never developed and poisoning your future.

This thus leaves me room to speculate on why attachment to “ex-es” exists, perhaps even more times than we wish it would.

For some, it would be our cultural mores, that tend to believe in romantic situations such as “First love never dies,” which is patently true and, for many women, thank God for that! Sometimes, it almost seems necessary for a young woman to prove her purity, to prove she is a good girl by not being able to forget her first love.

Should you ever find yourself in that situation and think changing people’s mindsets is just not worth it, then please, please be a reasonably good actress, because convincing such people of your worth (in case you think you have to) should be no more effort than playing a role you can easily cast off.

For many others, (and also for some who sincerely believe in “First love” never dying) romantic love involves dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin.

Dopamine plays an important role in both sexual arousal and romantic feelings; whereas oxytocin and vasopressin are highly involved in monogamous pair bonding.

In addition, there are some neurotransmitters and brain regions that have a decrease in activity, such as the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala.

Since the amygdala is concretely implicated in fear and anger, meaning that decreased activation suggests a lessening of fear, that might explain why we are willing to be vulnerable to our beloved by sharing things we have not shared with anybody else.

The frontal cortex, on the other hand, handles the executive functioning of the brain. Since there is decreased activation in this area, there is “suspension in judgement or a relaxation of judgemental criteria by which we judge other people” which is perfect for those looking for people to love us despite of our shortcomings.  

How does any of this information help you, Helen? If your attachment to your first is a “nice, warm memory” then nothing much.

However, in case your attachment is of the “consuming kind that prevents you from moving on,” then I hope knowing that the neurotransmitters ratcheting up and the brain regions decreasing in activity during first love can also ratchet up and decrease in activity during subsequent loves will be some consolation to you.

All the very best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.