Love and Relationships

[Two Pronged] Can an ordinary person like me have a threesome?

Margarita Holmes, Jeremy Baer

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[Two Pronged] Can an ordinary person like me have a threesome?
'If you are sure you want to do it, then finding partners becomes a matter of mere logistics'

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.


Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

I know that some renowned couples in our society have tried threesomes. I can’t help asking: if these renowned couples can do threesomes for the sake of sexual fantasy or curiosity, why can’t an ordinary person like me do it? I cannot do a threesome, whether it be two girls and me or two guys and one girl.

Thank you po.
Mr. Curious

———————————-

Dear Mr. Curious (Mr. C),

Thank you for your message.

What sets renowned couples apart from ordinary people is generally their willingness to embrace “fame” at the price of losing their privacy. The bargain is that they allow their lives to play out in public in exchange for the recognition and presumably riches that their success in their chosen field brings them.

Few of the rest of us are faced with this. We live our lives away from the public gaze, not least in most instances because our lives contain little of public interest. With the advent of social media, the veil is partially lifted if we post on Facebook etc. but this is a) voluntary and b) in nearly all cases transitory. 

Advances in communications have shrunk the once infamous “15 minutes of fame” to something more akin to 15 seconds, enough for a subsequent post to go viral and consign previous ones to the dustbin of history.

While threesomes may not have been around since Adam and Eve, that was only because a threesome wasn’t possible with only two people. However human ingenuity, particularly when it involves sex, is centuries old, as books such as the Kama Sutra (written probably between 400 BCE and 300 CE) make abundantly clear that threesomes have been around a very long time.

Mr. C, the answer to your question, “Why can’t an ordinary person like me do it?” is that there is nothing actually stopping you or other ordinary people doing it. It may seem as though it’s only celebrities because of the media coverage, but it is a certainty that ordinary people are also indulging.

As for your curiosity, Mr. C, it is quite normal. Many people have fantasies about threesomes, but what may set you apart from the majority will be if you turn your fantasy into reality. Despite the relentless publicity given to sexual issues, threesomes are not yet considered acceptable mainstream behavior. This of course merely means that most threesomes are covert rather than overt, in deference to today’s cultural mores. This makes turning your fantasy into reality marginally more complicated, but then again the internet can provide more than enough opportunities to realize your dreams since it hosts groups of every persuasion.

Just a word of caution. The advantage of fantasy is that we can fine tune it at a whim. Reality, however, has a tendency to disappoint, as the grittiness of the mundane chips away at the ephemeral beauty that our imaginations conjure up.

All the best,
JAF Baer

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[Two Pronged] Threesomes, fantasies, and love

[Two Pronged] Threesomes, fantasies, and love

Dear Mr. C:

Thank you very much for your letter. Mr. Baer has answered the main issues of your letter so well that I hope you forgive me if I focus on just one, which I think might be a major factor in stopping you from enjoying a threesome should you want to.  

Your penultimate sentence starts with: “I cannot do a threesome…” to which I want to ask: “Why not?”  

At the moment, one of possibly two limitations is finding willing partners with whom to share what could be a very enjoyable — even joyous — experience for all three of you.

Mr. Baer suggested the internet, which could very well be a good place to start, but be aware of the do’s and don’ts to protect yourself and others from heartache.

There are other ways to find potential partners. If you are sure you want to do it, then finding partners becomes a matter of mere logistics, which I am pretty sure trusted friends and even professionals (which I hope includes us) can help you with.

I think you need to explore what you really mean by “cannot.” Is it more a “would not” rather than a “cannot?” “Cannot” implies the lack of ability to do something. It is not a matter of choice, or trying hard enough. “Would not” is more a matter of discernment. What is stopping you from feeling free enough to try out a threesome?  

And let me quickly add that what may be stopping you is not necessarily something to do away with, or ignore.

If it is mere cultural mores that have no meaning for you, then go ahead! Perhaps all you need, if this is the case, is to take the necessary steps to unshackle yourself from their stranglehold. And if it matters to you that you not upset people you love, then try to do it with some concern for them, too. But this may be as small a matter as not shouting out from the rooftops that “I’ve done a threesome and I want to do it again and again…and yet again!” Threesomes you’ve engaged in/want to engage in do not have to be shared with anyone.

However, it may be something you value – mores you may have grown up with or, more importantly, hard-won truths you discovered on your own, that help/encourage you to have the kind of life you want, a life to be worked toward not just for material gain but for peace of mind, because you feel this is the best way to be compassionate not just towards others, but towards yourself, too.

I strongly feel that your concern about having threesomes in your life should focus on whether they are still about who you are as a person: who you want to be, and, I would hope, someone you feel can continue to live life with compassion and kindness towards others, and towards yourself.   

All the best,
MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Please send any comments, questions, or requests for advice to twopronged@rappler.com.

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