[Two Pronged] Choosing between my 'cold' wife and childhood sweetheart

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I got into so many relationships with girls but did not fall in love. I just wanted to have sex. Unluckily, one of these girls got pregnant 9 years ago and I married her.

We always fight about money, with her complaining that my salary isn’t enough. We have no savings. If someone gets ill, we need to borrow money. I’ve been an OFW for 6 years but there is no improvement in our life.

Recently, she told me she borrowed money for her grandfather’s wake.

We are still paying monthly interest.

I feel her body being cold when we make love. I don’t know the reason why.

The worst thing is that because of that anger and curiosity which I feel from my wife, I was able to find refuge in my childhood sweetheart for about 3 months now and we have admitted that we still love each other.

She has a troubled relationship with her husband because she experienced being battered and decided to live away from it.

Right now, my main problem is that we decided to live together, but I am afraid to leave my son and my wife because we are legally married. I had so much trouble on what to do with my life – live with the girl I love or continue my troubled life with my wife.

Tony

Dear Tony,

You seem to have problems on two fronts. Firstly, you and your wife (let’s call her Eva) have become estranged mainly over money, possibly exacerbated by separation while you work as an OFW, and this is affecting your sex lives. Secondly, you have formed a competing relationship with an old flame (let’s call her Cora) which is, so far at least, free from the complications of your life with Eva.

In your mind, at least, what now stands between you and a happy future with Cora is that you are afraid to leave your son and wife because you are legally married.

Money is a very common source of friction in marriages, usually when the two partners have differing views about how to acquire it and/or how to spend it. You do not say whether Eva has a job. If not, perhaps you could suggest to her that she get one to reduce your income deficit. If she has one, then perhaps the problem is not just your salary but hers too and she should do something about it.

Furthermore, if you are an OFW, already making many sacrifices for the family, there can be few things more upsetting than to be told that you are not making enough money to satisfy your partner. It can make the OFW think that their role in the marriage/family has been reduced to that of an ATM machine!

However, nothing in your account indicates that your current relationship problems are directly linked to your bank balance and you have after all managed to stay together for the last 9 years despite your financial woes.

However, your response to her coldness in bed is noteworthy. First you say you don’t know the reason and second you rekindle your love for an old flame. Normally, when one doesn’t know the reason for someone’s behavior one asks for an explanation. If one chooses to ignore this obvious path to enlightenment, it is often because one thinks one can anticipate the answer and doesn’t want it confirmed.

As for getting back together with Cora, this seems a curious decision. You have perennial money issues yet you respond to your wife’s coldness by planning to set up a second household. Perhaps Cora is wealthy or perhaps you intend to reduce your support for Eva and your son. We can only speculate.

Finally, what is holding you back from your new life of bliss with Cora is that you are afraid to leave your family because you are legally married. Yet millions of Filipinos are married and live apart from their spouses, Cora being one of them. Again, you do not explain the reason for your fear. Our guessing would be an exercise in futility.

If indeed you are afraid to leave, maybe you should try to clarify matters with Eva before taking any big decisions.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

Dear Tony,

Thank you very much for your letter.

Because you are the one who wrote and not your wife, I will focus on your behavior and how changing parts of it might help make your decisions a little easier, ok? It would be useless to share ways Eva could change, (even if that may also improve the relationship) because she is not the one who asked us and thus might resent, rather than consider, what would for her be unsolicited advice.

First, you present and thus probably consider your choices as the result of circumstances forcing you to act a certain way, thus relieving you of any responsibility to make things better. That is not necessarily so.

Case in point 1: Eva got pregnant and thus you were forced to marry her. Even if she lied to you about using a birth control method, you could still be a responsible father without marrying her.
Case in point 2: Eva is now cold when you make love, thus you sought refuge in Cora. Again, there were so many other things you could have done as a result of her coldness. Infidelity was not your only recourse.

You have cornered yourself by considering your having only 2 choices: “Live with the girl I love or continue my troubled life with my wife” when there are many more you could choose from.

You have also presented the two options in such a way that it is crystal clear that you prefer to live with Cora so that, if you continue to live with Eva, again, you have reasons it won’t work.

Dearest Tony, please do not think I am judging you too harshly. I not only understand, but can empathize with the choices you made. However, if we are to be of any help to you, we have to call your behavior patterns as we see them, hoping you realize these will make you more circumspect about your future choices.

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.