relationship advice

[Two Pronged] My partner wanted to attend a party during the pandemic

Margarita Holmes

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[Two Pronged] My partner wanted to attend a party during the pandemic

Graphic by Janina Malinis

What do you do when your loved ones don't have the same social distancing standards as you during the coronavirus pandemic?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.


Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

My husband and I have been fighting over social distancing. As an introvert with co-morbidities, staying inside the home has worked well for me. Unlike me, he feels the need to go out and see his friends once in a while (for his own well-being, he says).

Our differences escalated when he was supposed to attend a party his close friend is throwing. Initially, I did not stop him but I was upset that he could make such a decision, without thinking of its potential impact on our family. 

He thinks that I am putting him on a leash. In my defense, I tried to justify his decision until I felt that I had to tell him I don’t like his decision because it does not make me feel safe. 

Since then, he has been stonewalling me and refuses to talk, saying that whatever he does is never right with me.

I love my husband and he is kind and loving when we do not have these arguments. I think the pandemic has brought out our communication issues and exacerbated differences. And his attitude to shut me out after every argument and decision making on issues such as public health safety is something I cannot stand any longer.

What should I do?

Jane


Dear Jane,

Thank you for your email.

There seem to be two main issues here: the health risk to your family posed by your husband’s cavalier attitude to the pandemic and the longer-term problem of improving communication between you both.

Reactions to the pandemic have of course been very varied, ranging from those who rarely if ever leave their homes to others who try to live as though there were no pandemic at all. Age is naturally an important factor as is the individual’s personal circumstances such as size and breakdown of household (those living alone will feel they have more freedom than those living with families and elderly relatives).

Personality, as your husband suggests, is another important factor; introverts feel the constraints of lockdown far less than extroverts since they are generally less reliant on external stimuli.

So what is a family to do if there are differences of opinion over how to respond to the virus? Obviously, the first step is to discuss the differences and attempt to reach a compromise. If a compromise cannot be reached, then action probably has to be taken commensurate with the risk involved. 

For example, if the issue is whether to visit one’s grandparents’ graves in the cemetery, perhaps the compromise is that one spouse goes and the rest of the family stays safely at home.

In your case, Jane, your husband is insisting on jeopardizing the health of the entire household by his actions. It seems there are at least 3 options in the face of his intransigence: you can live with it, you can suggest he lives separately until you can be together safely or you can kick him out for good since he is totally selfish and indulges himself oblivious to the danger he brings to the family. 

Write again if you want us to consider your case further. 

All the best

JAF Baer


Dear Jane:

Thank you very much for your email.  In the interest of full disclosure, I, too, am immunocompromised (plus over 60!!!—a double whammy!) and I would hate it if someone didn’t love me enough to take care of himself for my sake.  

However, I am also a rabid extrovert, and I hope this more than balances any personal animosity I may have felt towards your husband’s cavalier attitude towards your health. Living under lockdown for us extroverts is a brutal experience. Worse, there still is no definite light at the end of the tunnel!!

Because you say “[my husband] is kind and loving when we do not have these arguments” I would advise you to remind yourself of his “good points” when you argue with him. And yet…anyone can be kind and loving when not arguing so maybe this is not such a strong point in his favor.  

Maybe this is something to think about when the pandemic lifts and you have more energy, patience, and serenity to handle the stress of deciding what you want for the rest of your life.

One of Mr Baer’s suggestions was that “he live separately until you can be together safely.” I think this a very good idea where living separately can mean living the way people do when a family member may have covid. 

Because you love your husband, I suggest you phrase the above suggestion not as an ultimatum,  but as the most rational solution in the light of your predicament.

Both your needs are valid and understandable; and yet at the moment, they seem mutually exclusive.

Your need for physical safety cannot be compromised and his need for the company might, in his mind, also be a life-and-death situation. 

This would avoid useless arguments like: “My need is undeniable; yours is merely a preference” or “If you loved me, you would want to do this (be that sheltering in place or encouraging him to see people) even before I asked you to.” 

Mr Baer’s above suggestion is clear,  safe, and need not be taken personally.

This is, however, a stop gap measure until either the pandemic ends or a better solution comes to the fore. I hope that, once we all have the time and the good fortune to be able to navigate more than just our physical safety, you will take the time to decide if continuing to live as husband and wife is something you feel good about or not.

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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