[Two Pronged] My ex-boyfriend wants to keep our child a secret

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons. 

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Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer, 

I’ve been wanting to ask for a third party advise but I am really ashamed of my situation. My situation is complicated. 

I have a 2-year-old son from my ex-boyfriend who also has a 4-year-old daughter with his current partner.

The moment I learned about my pregnancy, I made sure he knows my situation. So yes, we agreed he will help me raise my son and support me all the way, but in secret. 

But up until now, he won’t even touch/hug my son. Yes, the financial support is there but of course I want my son to know about him.

Is that enough to ask from him? Best regards,

Ines

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Dear Ines,

Thank you for your email.

You have not been generous with the information on which we are asked to opine so what follows is likely to be general, rather than specific, but some surmise is in order.

Given the ages of the two children, it seems reasonable to suppose that your ex (let’s call him Juan) was probably having a relationship with both you and his current partner (let’s call her Alana) at the same time. Whether he was living with you, with her or neither, you do not say nor do you say if you knew what was going on.

Whatever the history, Juan decided to be/stay with Alana but agreed to support your son, something not all absentee fathers would agree to. The price of this is secrecy, presumably to avoid Alana finding out, though there could be many other possible reasons (losing his job, problems at church, to name but two). You agreed to this.

Many would say that this is an equitable and pragmatic solution for both of you. This view would be held particularly by those mothers whose ex-partners have abandoned them both physically and financially. Ideally however, the non-resident father would be involved with his child as much as possible, not least to contribute to the child’s development.

This unfortunately is not compatible with secrecy nor with the agreement you have made with Juan. With the passage of time or changes to Juan’s circumstances, perhaps you will be able to improve your son’s relationship with his father but until then it seems that what you have is the best you can get for now.

All the best,

JAF Baer

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Dear Ines,

Thank you very much for your letter.  

I will answer your last question first: “Is that enough to ask from him? “   

No, it is not too much to ask your ex-boyfriend to touch your son and even recognize him as his child. I agree with Mr Baer when he said that that the ideal situation would be that he cared for his child enough not only to hug and kiss his child, but also to risk his relationship with Alana by telling her the truth.

I suspect, however, that you have already asked this of him and he has refused as many times as you asked. 

Two basic tenets in family therapy which will serve you in good stead: 

1. if a thing doesn’t work — like asking him, trying to make him feel guilty — doing more of the same thing will not work either; and

2. if you want to change someone’s behavior, the quickest and, indeed, the only way to do so is to change yourself, and not him. This will work only if the change in you is so positive for him that he will do what you want in order for it to continue or is so negative that he will do what you want in order for it to stop. An example of the former might be your telling him he no longer has to support your son financially; an example of the latter might be your forbidding him to see his child.

I say might instead of definitely will, since I do not know enough about him to know if he would consider your behaviors positive or negative. Nor do I know enough about you to know if you will be able to make said changes within yourself and/or deal with possible repercussions.

For example, your forbidding him to see his child or your threatening to reveal your secret make him feel he’s off the hook and no longer needs to support you.  

Right now, he has honored his commitments to you, and since he never promised to be there for your child except financially, I doubt you can use his not doing more, not being more involved in your child, to try and make him feel guilty.  

This inability to make a man feel guilty about not doing enough for his child is usually proportional to whether he feel, accurately or not, that you “tricked” him by getting pregnant.

It is terribly unfair that he should behave this way towards your son, but there is no way you can threaten him to behave otherwise.  In his mind, he may think he is behaving as all honorable men would. 

I hope you will not add to your son’s pain by suggesting his father doesn’t love him, as you have no real proof of that. His and your definition of love may be diametrically opposed. Neither do I hope you try to convince your son that his father loves him. Again, you have no proof of that and, in my clinical experience, the Bible (John 8:32) says it all in this case: “the truth shall make you free.” 

I am so sorry, dearest Ines, if these are not the feelings you’d hoped we’d share, but I believe (though I may be wrong, of course) that in the long run the truth is the most mature and kindest way to explain your son’s objective reality to him. 

His inner world — determined by how much he feels loved and accepted by you and the rest of his immediate family — is something you will have control over, and that is what really matters.

All the best,

MG Holmes 

– Rappler.com

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